Post # 1
I was looking through another thread and found that many women have said that they have found the love of their lives and they are going to be with him forever, through hell or high waters, for life etc. and I couldn’t help but wonder.
Make no mistake, I too thought the same at 25. So when I met my ex, and the relationship was too good to be true, I too pledged ‘forever’. Life beyond him was simply not conceivable.
Forever was the reason I put up with every lie and abuse for the next 5 years. Even though he stripped me of my confidence, isolated me from my friends and family and made me hang around his, controlled my money, made me feel small and insignificant to the point that I had almost lost myself, I stuck with him. Forever had been pledged and forever was going to be delivered.
When I had enough and broke up with him, I had asked him once: “You did X,Y,Z to me and when you were doing that you never stopped to think what if I push her too far and she leaves me?” He said: “No, because you had promised forever.”
Even now when he is (surprise!) begging me to take him back he says “You promised forever. How come you gave up in 5 years? If it is broken you should fix it, not throw it away.” I also think I have reneged on my promise, although I’d never go back to him in a million years.
So what do you bees think when you are pledging ‘forever’? How far are you willing to go to honor that pledge? And if you don’t pledge ‘forever’ then with what thought do you go into a relationship?
Post # 3
My bff who left her cheating husband, put it something like this: he’s broken his vows so I’m not bound by mine. She too never dreamed it would happen when she married.
EDIT: I voted “other”. I wouldn’t simply leave if the relationship was unhealthy, I’d work at it. But with many people, a point of no return is passed. The obvious ones are cheating and abuse, but there can be other reasons too.
(BTW we pledged “as long as we both shall live”, since we’re both free to marry if the other dies).
Post # 4
Infidelity is basically the only thing I won’t forgive. That’d most likely be it for me. Not only because of the act itself, but then there’d be no way I could ever trust him ever again. Couldn’t deal.
Post # 5
Baring abuse or infidelity (and this is something I think CAN be worked on but it is hard) I mean forever. I know it won’t always be sunshine and rainbows and hate the idea that just because something isn’t working out exactly how someone wanted they should just drop it and not even try. But I also don’t think for a second anyone should ever have to stay in an abusive relationship, mental/emotional or physical.
Post # 6
If he breaks his vows I forgo mine. Also if he commits a crime that I cannot forgive such as drugs, murder, rape I forgo my vows. This has been discussed, but we are vowing forever
Post # 7
When I say ‘forever,’ I mean forever. So does Fiance. We take that aspect of our relationship *very* seriously. This is why I wouldn’t promise ‘forever’ to just anyone or any relationship- I would have to know that man EXTREMELY extremely well before I made that kind of commitment- like I wouldn’t make that kind of commitment until at least a couple of years in.
The thing to remember, regarding marriage, is that there are other promises that are taken with marriage vows, NOT just that you will stay together forever. The other vows should be taken JUST as seriously as the one where you promise ‘forever.’ And BOTH people have to honor those vows.
I think if something were to happen between Fiance and I- infidelity, abuse, what have you, I would owe it to him and our relationship to insist that we go to some sort of marriage counseling. However, if the other person isn’t willing to work on things, there is only so much that you can do.
I would never put up with a habitual cheater/abuser. If my Fiance cheated on me, I’m not sure what I would do. I’d like to think that I would be able to forgive him and we would be able to work through it. But if he did it more than once? I don’t think I’d be able to move past that.
I think that’s why it’s soooo important to be looking for the signs of that before you get married or make that kind of promise. (Granted, I personally know women who were completely fooled and there weren’t ANY signs of that sort of thing until after she had walked down the aisle.)
I would never get married to someone unless I could say with certainty that he would never do those things to me. Because I would feel incredibly uncomfortable promising ‘forever’ to someone unless I was absolutely sure that he would hold up *all* of his vows, too.
You were right to break up with that guy, and for that very same reason, you’re definitely right not to take him back.
Post # 8
Thank you so much for the support. I think you made an excellent point here: promising ‘forever’ only after you know the guy well enough that he will uphold his vows. It would save a lot of heartache.
Post # 9
I don’t think we ever use the term forever. It would be pretty meaningless to DH, as he doesn’t believe in any type of after-life. Personally, I would have trouble vowing to anything ‘forever’ as there are so many unknowns. We trust each other and are willing to work with each other when the going gets tough.
Post # 10
I can forgive infidelity if it’s not emotional or systematic. If it’s a one night stand, or even multiple one night stands in a short period, I could get over it. I have three dealbreakers:
2. Emotional/systematic long term infidelity
3. Addiction without remorse or desire to seek help.
That’s it. Those are the only things that could break “forever.”
Post # 11
loyalty and trust mean everything to me
Post # 12
So glad that you have found ‘the one’!
I forgave cheating twice. You are right, worst mistake of my life.
Even I think so. The only problem is, when you are in an abusive relationship, for a long time you know something is wrong and you are feeling horrible, but you can’t recognize it as abuse.
I think that’s a very healthy approach.
Post # 13
That’s another healthy approach, IMO.
So it’s ok to add a qualifier to forever?
Post # 14
Honestly? Yeah, I think so. The notion of uncompromising forever is very romantic but for me, not 100% realistic. ALMOST 100%… but not quite.
Post # 15
Like the PP’s I stand by forever (my vows) until his vows are broken and then I walk. That means cheating or abuse towards my son or myself. I think anything else we could work through but those issues can not be worked out. I hope it never comes to that, I feel terrible even typing it but he knows my limits and I trust he wouldn’t push those limits.
Post # 16
Yup, God willing you won’t have to face any of that.