Post # 17
I think you’re being completely fair. You can’t compromise what YOU want in a relationship and should give him the same respect to his. If he isn’t ready to be a committed loving husband, who’s to say he will be in his 40’s? Some people just don’t do that kind of lifestyle. But if it’s what you want, then you have to find someone who shares that feeling, too.
I asked my Fiance about the whole "fear of committment" thing awhile back. He was in his mid 20’s. And he said it’s more of an overwhelming thing of "forever" and wondering if you can meet her expectations forever (and a lot of it is self dobut whether or not YOU will be a good husband, not how much you love her) but eventually you realize that you love her so much that you can’t not make that committment at some point if it’s what both of you want, and that there is something beautiful and meaningful about making that committment public with a marriage.
I think it’d be one thing if you didn’t care or didn’t believe in the institution of marriage, also. But if YOU want to be married to him, again, step one I guess. Are you OK just living with someone forever? I wouldn’t be.
Post # 18
after being with some unsatisfying relationships, I now know what I want, if a guy’s needs do not correspond with mine I would move on; you deserve to have everything you want.
I am in a 2 year relaitonship and I’m only getting older, to be honest if my Fiance hadn’t proposed I would have moved on because I want to have kids and don’t want to wait til he makes up his mind, much as I care about him, I even told him after he proposed but never before-that only adds pressure. A guy is ghoing to want to be with you no matter what, no need to ask or put pressure, if he doesn’t then move on. Luckily he felt tha same towards me and wants to be with me and have kids and said I’m the best girl he’s been with, I feel the same towards him
So, I say you deserve everything you want, you can be madly in love with someone but if he doesn’t coincide with your views ultimately you will be unhappy, I’ve been in love with 3 other guys in my whole life, but they did not have the same goals, did I love them yes, did it work out and was I happy? no
there should be no doubts
Post # 19
I currently live in Italy, and here too committed relationships without marriage are more common – I live with a family and my host "parents" are not married but in a long term committed relationship and have a daughter.
That said, American culture isn’t like that, and you want what you want. The unmarried scenario only works if both parties are truly okay with it, and it sounds like you may not be. You deserve to have what you really do want. Good luck!
Post # 20
I think it depends on what you want. If marriage is an important part of an adult, comitted and loving relationship then it’s OK to move on. If you only want to get married because you think this is the "right" next step (which I doubt) then you could probably keep him. YOU deserve to be happy and considered too <3
Post # 21
Without going into too much detail, keep in mind that marriage in the U.S. brings with it numerous *legal* benefits. The law views the relationship between two people who are married very differently from how it views the relationship between two people who are not. That’s one of the many reasons that the gay community is pushing for gay marriage – it’s not just about the emotional aspects of marriage, it’s about legal protections, shared benefits, next-of-kin rights, etc. Marriage suddenly means a lot when your SO is lying in a coma after a car accident and the nurse is asking his crazy mother what she as next-of-kin wants to do in regards to his care.
Yes, you can replicate a fair amount of this with a good lawyer and careful policies and decisions, and (IMHO) someone who has a genuine philosophical objection to marriage *in general* should be more than willing to take an active role in carrying out this replication to protect himself/herself and the person that he/she loves. (Whereas someone who’s just claiming to be opposed to marriage in general but is really just lazy, scared or not in love with the other person is probably going to respond, "You want me to do *what* and sign *what*?") That’s time-consuming and somewhat expensive, but it is possible. But this is why I roll my eyes so hard at people who try to tell me that "marriage is just a piece of paper." Every contract is "just a piece of paper." Those "pieces of paper" have immense legal force.
Not saying you should dump the guy if he won’t marry you, just that the situation is more complicated than a straightforward "Does he really love me?" inquiry.
Post # 22
My bestest friend met her man when she was 21. She is a very independent woman. They dated for 3 years, then he wanted to move in together, she said No.
They broke up for 6 months. (it broke my heart because I had met him & saw how much he loved her).
I didn’t question her when she told me, she said they needed time alone…I started dating a guy…she got back together with him.
She would always ask me, when are you & T getting married? I would laugh & say when you & G get married, THEN we’ll get married.
T & I broke up after 4 yrs, I wanted marraige, he was "wishy-washy" it BROKE my heart and my spirit.
I thought I would be single for the rest of my life because I would never love someone as much as I had loved him.
Meantime, my BFF got married….BEST WEDDING EVER…they decided it was time to have kids & were going to be together forever anyways so why not get married.
They are now married for 6 years with 2 beautiful children and are sooo happy.
It took me a few years (& another icky relationship) to meet the man of my dreams, a man who was QUITE straightforward from the get-go that what he was looking for was not someone just to date, he was looking for a future wife & mother of his children.
My ex was "undecided" from day-to-day, I used to think he’d get over it and have some kind of epiphany and BOOM we’d get married.
To this day, he’s still not married or in a strong relationship. Meanwhile, I have found the man that I believe God meant for me.
If he doesn’t want to commit, and you’re okay with that, then that’s going to be fine. However, if you want that commitment and he’s not there with you, you are never going to be truly happy. Don’t sell yourself short. I know it’s hard to believe, BUT there is someone else out there who would make you happy, who you would fall head over heels with, and who wants what you want.
Post # 23
I think he is being pretty honest with you in that he is not likely to be a guy to make a long term commitment to you or to having a child with you. If you are ok with being with someone uncomfortable to committing to you (vs. the institution of marriage), then that is your call. BUT at age 36 after dating your for 3 years, he really should know by now if you are the one or not. If you want lifelong commitment & kids, I would move on. I am pretty sure a year will go by, and the only thing that will have changed is that you will be a year older….
Post # 24
I’d have a talk with him about it..then see what he says. Let this talk sink in for say six months and see what happens. Or a year at most. If no action by the date you choose, walk.
Post # 25
Flashback alert…I was in your shoes once…
I am 29, and when I was 23 I met someone who was 8 years older than me and we moved pretty fast. Moved in togethor after a few months of dating and he told me he wanted to get married and have kids. Then his friends starting having trouble in their marriages and started to have kids as well and well, the wuss that he was changed his mind one day on me and asked if I never wanted to get married or never have kids was ok. I was stunned! I came from a very broken family and all I wanted to do was have a family and be married. Marriage was important to me because when you are not you have to look at financial, legal issues etc. He would not put my name on the lease or anything to that matter so if I stayed I had no right to anything. In the long run I was not going to sacrifice what I have always dreamed of and come to find out that was the best decision I made.
What I am having trouble with your post and I take it from my experience is how can a 36 year old adult male not know what he wants out of life at this point? That is ridiculous! I dont remeber if you said how long you have been togethor but why would you invest the time if that person is not sure what he wants out of life? If you truly want to get married or have kids, and you really need to step back and think if this is something you really want, than you need to walk away. I almost stayed and would have wasted my time but I beleive in fate and I beleive it was Gods way of saying he was not the one for me because I took the next year really soul searching what I wanted out of life and a mate and then I met my now Fiance a little over a year after the split.
It ultimately is a personal decision but you have to look at what you want and some times you need to think about more what you want. BUt if you truly think he is the one and you want to spend your life with no matter what then go for it, but remeber your post if a few years down the road you change your mind.
Post # 26
I have to agree, at your boyfriend’s age, it doesn’t seem like he should be in the "I don’t know what I want stage."
I also have to admit that when my fiance and I first started dating I told him I was never getting married again. However, I had just gone through a horrible breakup and even worse time trying to save my marriage that was unsavable. We started dating about a year and a half after my ex-husband and I split. He is also much younger than me (about 8 yrs) and he was the one that would bring up marriage. I in no way got coerced in to it. We went through the norm, living together, joining our bank accounts even buying a house. He has also helped me raise my two boys. We’ve been together for 6 yrs now and I’d say by the 3rd year I deeply regretted saying I did not want to get married again because the truth was I knew I would spend the rest of my life with him or that I WANTED to. We’ve been engaged for 1yr 8 mos.
In your situation, I would wonder if his uncertainty is really fear of commitment or fear of commitment to me? Is he unsure because he is waiting for something "better" to come along? (Sorry if this sounds crude)
This is going to be a very hard decision for you. I think you need to look at it in the sense of the health of your relationship. Is the relationship healthy? If things are great and you yourself want to be with him because you love him and for you this guy is it and he treats you great and his indecision about marriage and children is the only thing holding you back from knowing you will have the perfect ife together, than ya, I’d say wait the year and see what his answer is. But, if it is a relationship of convenience and you feel like you have to make this work because your time is running out, then I think the best thing would be to walk away. I’ve seen a few of those and they have not worked out well.
The bottom line is many people are married and the only way you’d know is because they share a last name and have a marriage certificate. There are many other factors that go in to being "married". If he’s not ready for that you may find yourself living an unhappy life down the road.
I hope I didn’t sound too cynical. LOL Good luck to you in making your decision! Whatever you decide just stick to your guns and don’t look back.
Post # 27
I know of only one very unhappily married people (she is the x friend I had to fire, the one who reminds me of Kate from Jon n Kate btw) and he’s miserable b/c she’s a chronic nagger. Most every other couple I know is actively involved in their marriage. Happy too!~
There is a big difference between dating and marriage or living together and marriage. It’s that RELUCTANCE TO GO ONE STEP FURTHER..and that to me speaks volumes. It says to me "I love you alot, but not to get married". Some say there’s little difference b/w those two states. I say there is a difference.
I had a former coworker who lived with her BF of 5 years. She would always say that there was "no difference in them being married or not" but the truth of the matter was he had never asked her and it DID bother her. They broke up before their sixth anniversary of dating or living together btw.
And this is only my opinion.
And yes, I have a clock on things with myself too..
Post # 28
Honey, I lived with my EX-sig other for over 20 years. Yeah I loved him but he never committed to marry. Now that it is over and I am soon to marry a most excellent man, I can tell you that I was in that old relationship way too long. We shared a home and holidays and the like, but now that I am in a truly committed relationship, I can see the difference. With my h2b, we share dreams and have plans, I truly feel like part of a couple.
So what happened to my ex? Well a few years ago, he started going out twice a week to blues music gigs – with my blessing I might add. Then it was 3, then 4, then every night. Yep, you guessed it, he took up with a bar skank and dumped me!
Every situation is different. Is your man really committed to being a couple, married or not? Then maybe it’s ok to stick it out. But do NOT make the same mistake I did and waste decades of your life just because you are reluctant to move on…
Post # 29
To me, it appears you’ve almost answered your question. If he says he’ll tell you either way within a year that he wants to marry you or he doesn’t want to marry you, then you’ll have your answer. I think if you love him enough, you can give that to him. In a way it’s an ultimatum, but it will give you peace of mind to know you’ll be able to move on either way.
Post # 30
Thanks for all the kind words of advice everyone. I have actually come to the decision, at least 80% sure, that I will move on next year if his answer is ‘no’. I did ask him to be totally honest with me and tell me if he’s already made up his mind and he says he does want to get married but needs more time. I hope that is true.
It’s kind of an awful, icky feeling looking at someone with the full realization that your ‘goodbye’ date may already be set. It makes it hard not to be in the relationship with ‘one foot out the door’ so to speak, but I am doing my best to give this last year the fullest chance.
Post # 31
yeah it’s an icky feeling, that’s why most women would leave instead of waiting for him to leave them. his answer is no now, why would it change to yes next year?