(Closed) Would you rather be with someone you love who won’t get married, or move on?

posted 11 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I love my guy but seriously there is now officially "a clock" on it. 

 

Post # 33
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2001

I think you should stick it out. You have to look at what type of family he has come from and if he has seen all of his friends get divorced, etc. My Fiance wasn’t ever sure if he wanted to get married, he just sees it as a big waste of money. But his family is kinda……… untraditional. His mom and dad were married to other people, but never married each other and are still together. His sister and brother-in-law are now getting a divorce, one of his brother’s has gotten a divorce, the other one never married, his other sister got a divorce. He has seen how much trouble divorces are, not only to the two people involved, but to the kids as well, but has never seen any that really work. Well with the exception of one of his brother’s.

In my opinion, as long as you don’t think its wrong to have a family and go about living life as you would if you were married, then do it. 

Post # 34
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

Hello! Sorry to hear you are in this tough situation. Believe me, it will get better and life will go on.

Clearly, you want to get married. Otherwise you would not have posted this! If you decide to give up that dream to be with this guy, try to imagine what that will feel like. Might you feel a bit of resentment that never goes away? Will you wonder, "why didn’t this guy marry me?" I would not want to live with those feelings, but that is me — it can be hard for me to let go of doubts like that. But it is possible you are more emotionally mature than I am 🙂

I was in the opposite situation. Everyone is different, but I will just tell you my take. I was with someone four years, having doubts about our relationship that I suppressed for probably 3.5 years. All the while I went along with the eventual-marriage talk, even though when I thought about the actual wedding I got so stressed that I felt ill. But it was SO HARD to let go of that relationship, because I did love the guy and did not want to hurt his feelings or make a mistake in case I might somehow be OK with marrying him at some point. Could this be what is happening with your guy?

P.S. After we finally ended, I resolved never to be with someone for so long without being "sure." I met my husband 5 months later and I KNEW! He took a bit longer but soon he did, too. We married after dating 1.5 years. 

Post # 35
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

When I was your age (oh Lord, I sound like my mother), I was also in a long-term relationship with a man about 35. I loved him, absolutely, but our life goals were just not the same. Our priorities were not the same. He was still basically an emotional adolescent (and still is, from what I hear). It was terribly hard but I chose to walk away. I am 41 now and my FH did not require any prompting from me to propose. He and I have wanted the same things from the start. Having found both love and this shared life’s purpose, I am glad I decided not to settle for what I could get. 

So in summary: Love is wonderful. Love is very compelling. It is absolutely necessary for a successful relationship. But it is just not enough to make a successful relationship. Don’t cheat yourself.

I wish you all the best, whatever you decide.

Post # 36
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Perfect Example of this is my aunt and her boyfriend (technically). My aunt was divorced once before and decided that she never wanted to be married again. I know that your guy has never been married but the relation here is that marriage just isn’t something either of them wanted. Anyway – she met this guy shortly after and they have been together for 30 years and he is not really her husband. Her kids (she had 4 with her ex-husband) call him dad, the grandkids call him papa, and everyone basically considers them a married couple though they have no piece of paper saying otherwise. I’ve always considered him my uncle and dont think I knew any differently until I was in my teens. No one looks at them as just "boyfriend and girlfriend".

 They are one of the happiest couples I know. If you are in love, your happy, and it works than there is no reason to push it. Let it be.

Post # 37
Member
38 posts
Newbee

OK….I would love to make this post sound eloquent, but I’m at work and shouldn’t even be on here so I am in a rush!! 

 What I can tell you is my own situation. I just turned 30 years old and my boyfriend just turned 38 this past May. He has never been married. Never even been engaged and never even lived with another girl before me. 

He and I have been together for almost SIX YEARS and living together for 5-1/2 of them. We are NOT engaged.

When we hit the three year mark, he was 35, and I was wondering the same thing you are now because he told me that he wasn’t sure he ever wanted to be married. It was SO SO hurtful to me, and I was just as confused as you are now because I, also, demanded an answer by the 4th year. So the 4th year came, and he could not give me a yes or no. He could only tell me that he still was not sure, but that he knew he wanted to be with me and just didn’t know yet if he could handle everything that marriage entails. To me, it felt like a complete cop-out. Although I wanted so badly to leave him right then and there for doing this to me, I stayed because the thought of not being with this man who loves me so much was more than I could handle. It was even worse than him not knowing if he wanted to marry me. 

 Then, right around the 4-1/2 year mark, he started talking about marriage more positively. He still couldn’t say the word – haha – but he would say things like "the next step" or "moving forward." It got on my nerves, because I couldn’t believe that he couldn’t even say MARRIED. BUT, in his own way, he was making progress. Let me tell you, my boyfriend comes from a family of no divorces, he has a happily married older brother, and he had always wanted to get married because he had told me that before we became serious. I think it was the REALITY of what a REAL relationship takes that made him realize it was more than just rainbows and butterflies all the time, and that made him afraid, despite his very strong love for me. So anyway. He couldn’t say the word marriage, but I could feel slight progress. At this point, our friends and family were also teasing us a lot (and rightly so) and so it became more comfortable for him, I think. I decided not to push him like I always had in the past, even though I was struggling internally. 

 On our actual 5 year anniversary, we moved to a different State. We were in a good place in our relationship but I still didn’t have a yes or no answer as to the marriage thing, and I was going insane! I could not believe I had let him get away with this for so long, but again, the idea of leaving him was torture. I knew that we were meant for each other.

Well, guess what? Not one week later, we were sitting in our new apartment and he made a comment about "when we get married." It was totally random. I looked at him and I said kind of sarcastically, "oh so now you want to marry me?" and he took my hand and looked me straight in the eye and got serious, and he said "babe, I would love to marry you." Well, I can’t believe I survived the shock of that moment! It has been 10 months since. We are still not engaged, but sadly, it’s only because of monetary reasons. We have had so many talks since then about how to move forward. I will say that the economy has not been kind to us, so it’s tough. But the good news is that now we both know what we want FOR SURE, we are SO happy (and always were aside from this issue) and we are hoping to get married in June 2010.

All in all, it’s not a fairytale, but it’s our fairytale and I really do feel so blessed with how this has turned out. I feel like an adult. Kind of like Carrie and Big in the SATC movie when she says "we are two adults who made the decision to get married because we want to." I do still expect a proposal, and he knows that, but I’ve made it easy on him and told him I don’t need a ring. With the money situation, if I have to choose between a ring or a wedding, I’d rather have the wedding!!! I think he’s still trying to get a ring, though, which is sweet. 🙂

I guess my advice to you is to follow your heart. Don’t leave him over it if your heart can’t bear to. Don’t listen to the friends or family who tell you to give him an ultimatum. This is YOUR relationship and only you and him know if you’re love is strong enough and passionate enough to keep going. Try not to focus on your ages or the years you have been together – just focus on what you have and it works itself out. That’s what I eventually realized. if I had left after three years, or four years, or even right at the fifth, (because I was mad enough to!) I would have missed out on what we have now, and that would be a shame because it’s even sweeter than I thought it would be after that wait. Trust me, I wasn’t sure there was a light at the end of the tunnel, but it sounds like you’re sailing on the same waters I was and if you keep paddling, you’ll reach the shore! 

Post # 38
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

A.) I sort of think Chelsea hit the nail on the head. Is it fear of commitment or fear of commitment to you? There’s nothing worse than wasting the rest of your child bearing years waiting for an answer to that question. Always wondering his real reasons for not fully commiting to you, even though they could be completely inoffensive and genuine.

B.) At the same time, I don’t think one more year is terribly long to wait. My sister dated her guy for SIX years and had a one year old before he finally gave her a ring, and I’m so sure they are going to make it.

C.) If you talk about it again before your one year thingy, which I’m sure you wont be able to resist doing in spite of your best efforts, put it to him this way (and this is what I said to my Fiance a few months before he decided to pick out a ring with me), I said, "do you know what an awful feeling it is to think that after all this time you still aren’t sure how you feel about me? You know me, you know everything about me, thats not going to change in another year, or another three years, so it’s kind of either you want ME or you dont." Now, I was in no way giving him an ultimatum. He knew that, I knew that. I was simply pointing out how after a long time, how easy it is to start feeling "not good enough," unless provided with some other convincing reason for waiting on marriage.

Just my two cents.

Post # 39
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010 - The Tower Club

Well, you certainly posted this in a particularly pro-marriage place! If you’d posted somewhere else you might have gotten answers that go in a different direction. 

I spent many years denying that I ever wanted to be married, because I was afraid of the risk of admitting that, and I ended up with — guess who — guys who didn’t want to be married or were afraid of it. I think it’s great that you know what you want and are willing to take the risk to discuss it with your boyfriend. I think that "icky feeling" you describe is your gut instinct. It is horrible and sad to be in this situation, and I’m sorry.

I disagree with those who say, "If you’re both fine with it, there’s nothing to worry about." You posted this, and in Weddingbee no less! So we can safely assume that this bothers you, and I think that is perfectly fair. I fully disclose that I tend to be hard on guys who want a woman to be everything to him that a wife would — except be his wife.

Commitment is scary. It’s supposed to be! But it’s what you do with that fear that counts. There are lots of valid reasons for wanting to be married, and there are valid reasons for wanting to be with someone, but never marry them.

But there are specific issues at work when someone who doesn’t want to be married ends up with someone who does. In the next year, I would think hard about these things so that, if there isn’t a proposal in your future, you can move on to someone who meets your needs exactly.

Post # 40
Member
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I think something important to keep in mind is that not everyone makes their decision to commit to marriage at the same time.  One person in a relationship might know right away, while it may take the other a bit longer.  Has he said that he never wants to get married?  Or just not yet/right now?  There is a big difference.

DH and I dated 5.5 years before he was ready to commit to me in marriage.  It took me only 2 years to know.  But I come from a long line of successful, healthy marriages.  DH comes from a long line of broken/messed up/drama filled divorces.  He was understandably reluctant.  I thought about moving on around the 5 year mark.  But I never gave him an ultimatum.  Fortunately I didn’t have to.  When i (finally) finished school, finished the bar exam and got sworn in – he proposed.  He told me later that he had waited for me to finish all of that "important stuff" so that we could just focus on our wedding and marriage and avoid distracting me.  I love this man!  It was SOOOo worth the wait!  

Everyone’s situation is different.  Only you know the full story.  It’s a tough decision  – but just make sure it’s not a hasty one…

Post # 41
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I went through this, and I moved on, it was hard, but I am so glad that I did. I am with someone who wants the same things as me and I am so much happier. My ex-boyfriend is not going to change anytime soon. I still love and appreciate him but don’t feel I need to be in an exclusive relationship with him and wait to see how he feels. I am marrying a wonderful man this September now and I am so happy. I took a chance and it was great! You could always just say to your boyfriend that you want to date other people and that you know you want to get married so you might find someone who also knows this too. You can continue to date him too. Sounds so simple yet that’s so challenging at times. When people were virgins till they were married, that was easier to pull off. Now with diseases, emotional connections, intimacy, it’s a little harder, but not impossible!

 

Good luck. Nothing anyone says can tell you what you want and what feels right in your heart but you. 

Post # 42
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

What’s really gotten me thinking about this is THIS site and its article about how to not get engaged/avoid an ultimatum.  It seriously pissed me off. 

Now for the record, my guy DOES value marriage and I know he wants us to be married, and yes, he’s been discussing it for over a year now and I know it will happen rather soon, but you all also know my feelings if he drags his feet too long right?

But check this out.  It made me mad.  And the excuses they tell a man to use to keep from having to actually get engaged made me madder.  Now my guy has never said any excuse or done any of this and I’m not ever going to give an ultimatum, but KNOWING there are guys out there who might actually, consciously do this just makes my PMS worse.

The site is called "the plunge"..and here’s that article that sent my blood pressure up to about 100/infinity:

     http://theplunge.com/gettingengaged/if-girlfriend-gives-you-marriage-ultimatum

Post # 43
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think the part of the article that "got" me was the part about the bride being in her mid to late 30’s..

Post # 44
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Hi,

I was in the same situation as you. Im 29 and my FH is 35. We been together for 8 years.  We had talked about marriage before. But he wasnt ready.

He did wanted to have a child since age 30. But for me I need to be married to start a family. And I did tell him that in order for us start having children then we would need to be married. By no means I would of left him if we wouldnt be getting married but I wouldnt start a family without being married.

I think it just depends what you want.

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