(Closed) Would you rather?

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Would you rather be handed a list of responsibilities or deal with a stressed out bride?
    List of responsibilities : (28 votes)
    74 %
    Comfort a stressed and irritated bride : (5 votes)
    13 %
    I have a better idea ... (explain below) : (5 votes)
    13 %
  • Post # 3
    610 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2009

     Personally, I would not want to be irritated the day of or days leading up to my wedding. I doubt u would want that either. I’m pretty sure ur close friend or family members wouldn’t mind helping out a bit. It depends how involved and how long ur list of responsibilities are.

    How about hiring a month of / day of coordinator? I’ve not heard of any1 who has regretted hiring one for their wedding. Every1 raves about how it was the best $ ever spent. Just remember to introduce your weakness to your helpers and/or ur coordinator ahead of time and apologize if there’s anything that you did to them that seem inappropriate. Nobody’s perfect.

    Post # 4
    2324 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    Neither. I would like my friend, the Bride, to ask for some help and not just expect me to do crap for her because she can’t get everything done herself. I wouldn’t mind helping, but other then throwing a shower, buying a dress and bring there for the bride and at the rehearsal and the wedding, I don’t think BMs have other "responsibilities".

    Post # 5
    6009 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    I get really snappy and freaked out if everything is all up in the air, so for me the best thing to do was be really organized.  That meant lots of timelines, schedules, itineraries, and clarifying emails between me and vendors.  I even gave out timelines at the rehearsal dinner to family members so they knew exactly what was going on.

    Nobody wants you to be freaked out on your wedding day (or the days/weeks leading up to iy) especially your bms/moh.  My suggestion is to get as much done ahead of time as possible.  Don’t let things wait till the last minute; that way, you won’t be overwhelmed with how much there is to do.  I don’t think it’s wrong to ask bms, friends, family, or whatever, to help with a few tasks, but I would probably be taken aback if i was just given a list.  Delegation is fine as long as you don’t  go overboard.  Maybe ask each person if they can help with one or two things, and leave it at that.  It’s really not that bad, as long as you plan ahead.  🙂

    If you are a procrastinator, or still think you will be biting off heads come the wedding day, definitely consider a DOC.  Their job is to do everything for you so you don’t have to worry.  

    Post # 6
    960 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    I think of myself as a "what do you need me to do?" type of person. If I were a Bridesmaid or Best Man I’d be all about helping you as much as possible. Just want me to show up in the dress you picked up? Great! Need me to tie 300 little bows on favors? I’ll bring the wine! Hopefully you’ve picked BMs who are close to you and are happy to do whatever you need help with (within reason, of course). Was it on WB that I saw a post that went something like "What is the difference between a Maid/Matron of Honor and a BM? Your Maid/Matron of Honor has to help you go to the bathroom." or something like that? Either way, I think you pick your BMs because you know they are willing to do anything for you. I fully expect that of my BMs and I hope if I’m ever a Bridesmaid or Best Man I will help in any way I can.

    Post # 7
    2365 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2009

    i chose to comfort the bride! I’m totally a nurturing and comforting person, and I do not crack under stress ever. I have the personality that I just keep my cool under any circumstanc and remain calm, always. Lol. I really balance my fiance, haha.

    Anyway, the way I operate is that I don’t like to be ordered around. I wouldn’t like to have a list that I must complete. It doesn’t work for me. I don’t even have "to do" lists for my own wedding, I hired someone to do that for me – the Wedding Planner … because I am the worst at it. 

    Good luck!

    Post # 9
    14183 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    While most people are against asking friends for help, I think that it really depends on the person. I have a friend flying in from PA who is truly one of those "please what can i do" people and i love her dearly for it! My location does have a DOC, but since we are a DIY couple, I need someone to set up the bar (as in, drag the ice chests inside and pop open a few wine bottles and put the spouts on the liquor) and set up my 11 centerpieces (pre-boxed by me, so they’re basically in kits) and kinda make things nice. One of my bridesmaids FI’s is going to help her do this with our DOC, which we paid for. I trust my friend more than my DOC to get things right. They have from 4pm til about 530 to pull it off, which is plenty of time. I made her a nice necklace and got her a $35 bottle of liquor as a thank you gift. She is perfectly happy if I give her a list of things to do (set up bar, set up guest book, make sure water is availalbe) etc to share with the DOC.This friend of mine is staying with the Bridesmaid or Best Man (the same one with the FI) and will be stuck at our venue at 4pm anyways, so this helps them stay busy while we’re taking pics. She’s getting her makeup done with us, i’m giving her a corsage, and she’s our guest book attendant/water bottle hander outer also. She’s thrilled to help! Her hubby is staying home in PA, too. 

    So, I’m doing it, and if your friend truly wants to help, it’s perfectly ok! She can always say no, and let her know that.  I know some people get peeved to ask to do favors, but I think it’s a very case-dependent thing. I’m one of those friends that if a true friend asked me for some help, well, that’s what good friends are for, right???

    Post # 10
    2640 posts
    Sugar bee

    Well I didn’t like either choice, to be honest.  Do you want a Bridezilla or handed a list of responsibilities?  Neither.  Now I’m the type of girl who wants to help.  And I offer to help.  Ideally that’s what friends would do.  If they don’t, I don’t see a problem in asking for help.  However, if a bride handed me a list of expectations, I would run the other way.  I guess I wouldn’t like feeling as though in accepting a Bridesmaid or Best Man invitation, I would be signing on as an indentured servant. 

    Since they are your BM’s, you sure would hope they’re excited and happy for you.  But everyone has different schedules.  You don’t even know if they have the time to help much, even if they’d love to help.  Asking them if they have some spare time, and what areas they might be interested in helping with, will probably go a longer way than handing them a list of what you want them to accomplish.

    As for asking the one friend if she’d take over some DOC responsibilities, I don’t know.  I think it would totally depend on the person.  If it was me, I would be into it, if I wasn’t bringing a date, didn’t know anyone else going, and wasn’t coming in from Out of Town.  I think it would keep me from sitting there not knowing what to do with myself next.    But if I was bringing a date, bought a new dress, was looking forward to hanging out with the gang, spent money on a flight, I wouldn’t want to be working.

    Good luck.

    Post # 11
    469 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2008

    Before my wedding, I wrote up a list of tasks and divided them out among my 6 bridesmaids.  They were easy things like putting together an emergency kit (safety pins, etc), putting together an iPod playlist for getting ready, making sure I ate breakfast, etc.  I then put each girl in charge of a vendor – and gave the vendors the contact info for the DOC and (in case they needed to reach me specifically) one of my BMs.  I didn’t carry a phone all day, which was great, and my wonderful BMs took care of any issues without me knowing (for example, we ordered lunch and there was some sort of issue with it being delivered – I didn’t find out until after the wedding). 

    I would say delegate some tasks to put your mid at rest – but only delegate things you won’t worry about.  Doing that would be counter-productive!

    Post # 12
    119 posts
    Blushing bee


    I am a Bridesmaid or Best Man in a wedding later this month. I’ve helped the bride on some stuff. But she always asked pollitely and allowed me to do the helping on my own schedule and at my own pace. If she had handed me a list of responsibilities, I probably would have been furious with her.

    On the other hand, no one wants to spend the day of the wedding dealing with a fire-breathing bridezilla, either.

    My advice for avoiding both problems:

    _ Be super, duper organized before the wedding day, and try to take care of as much as possible in advance.

    _ Start reminding yourself now that the only thing that really matters at the end of the day is that you and your fiance end up married. Everything else is just details. If something goes wrong or gets left out, it’s not the end of the world and no one else will even know.

    _ Instead of burdening your bridesmaids with last-minute checklists, get your fiance involved. It’s his wedding too. He should be doing 50 percent of the work, in my opinion.


    Post # 13
    3162 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I voted "Other" and this is why: I wouldn’t like to be just handed a list of responsibilities. I’ve been a bridesmaid multiple times and I have ZERO problem helping the bride out to minimize any stress on her – happy to do it, in fact. BUT, I would prefer a phone call from the bride being like Hey I need a favor can you please do X, Y, and Z it would really help me out I really appreciate it… etc etc etc. If I was just handed a list of things to do it would totally turn me off. A phone call or even an email – something more personal that shows you appreciate the effort – would be best in that situation. I think that, as a bridesmaid, if you are asked to help, you need to help. It’s part of the deal. I’ve been a bridesmaid where the bride needed nothing from me but to show up in the dress she picked, and others where I’ve done some running around and scrambling. I’m fine with that, I just like to know my help is appreciated.

    Post # 14
    86 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

      I am a listy kind of person so for me, I would not mind being handed a list (as long as it is handed nicely!)  From my expereinces as a Maid/Matron of Honor which have not been so great I wish the bride had handed me a list so i knew what she expected!

      Instead everytime they contacted me or saw me they piled things on verbally which I had to try and remember and ended up really being a huge pile!  If I had a list from the beginning i could have planned things out better I think and I would not have felt as swamped because it was all made clear from the start.

    Maybe make a huge list of stuff and sit down with your bridesmaids and have them pick which things they want to do?  That way it is kind of a group division of labor and people have had a say so they don’t feel like you are "dumping" on them.  Most BMs really want to help and i think being able to pick where they can help would go over nicely, at least I know I would have liked that!

    Post # 15
    12 posts

     As a bride, I would prefer to work out with each bridesmaid what they feel comfortable with. I would never just hand a list and expect the results to materialize. Often the discussion route can reveal special talents, contacts or hopes they have for how their participation will play out. People keep saying "it’s your day" – just get them to do it, but I just can’t imagine approaching it that way. While it’s our celebration, it’s also our families/friends/etc who are truly looking forward to this day. So far, this method has really worked out well as I’ve only needed help with a few calls (they are locals vs. my out of city status/conflicting work hours). They have really enjoyed having this central ‘fact finding’ role. (venue availability, etc).

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