(Closed) Would you say something?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would you say something?
    Yes : (95 votes)
    96 %
    No : (3 votes)
    3 %
    Other : (1 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    3120 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    @BeachBride2014:  What a tricky situation.  But yes, I would say something.  I would take her to lunch in a private place and calmly explain so she knows how serious you are.  

    What if something terrible happened?  That would be a hard thing to deal with.

    Post # 4
    Member
    3126 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2017

    I would warn her since it involves physical violence. If you tell her all of the signs and symptoms you listed here she can be on the lookout for them. She may not thank you for telling her but I personally couldn’t live with myself if I kept it a secret and she eneded up in the hospital one day. You can’t control what she does with the information or how she will take it but I would still feel it is my responsibility to tell her.

    Post # 5
    Member
    909 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I agree with PP. If something were to happen, I think you might feel guilty for not saying anything ahead of time. She needs to be forewarned.

    Post # 6
    Member
    1849 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Yes. I’ve been in an abusive relationship just like this, and I would be the first person to spell out this dude’s dark side to any poor unsuspecting woman who takes an interest in him. What would you do if you found out he seriously injured or even killed her, and you knew you could have said something? These are regrets I would never want to have…

    Post # 7
    Member
    6015 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: March 2012

    Give her all the facts, and then it’s up to her to decide.  I hope she does choose wisely.

    Post # 8
    Member
    3120 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    To add, even if she starts to argue and gets angry, it won’t fall on deaf ears.  She will have heard you and if he starts showing signs again, she’ll realize the truth.

    Post # 9
    Member
    2755 posts
    Sugar bee

    I would absolutely say something. She might not accept it, but at least you’ll have given her the information – and maybe if he starts behaving as such, she’ll be able to recognize it earlier than she might’ve before. It’s worth a shot.

    Post # 10
    Member
    268 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    I would say something

    Post # 11
    Member
    14657 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    Yes, I’d definitely tell her.  If she chooses not to hear the warnings and gets into a bad situation, maybe she’ll recognize it sooner.  I’d feel awful if I didn’t say anything, and the same thing happen to her.

    Post # 12
    Member
    676 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I have been in your situation before. My ex husband was(and still is) extremely abusive. I barely survived our 5 year relationship and you better believe that any girlfriend he has had since then(that have talked to me anyway) are well aware of the reasons for our divorce, and why his criminal record has assault charges and restraining orders. And I will say most of them say “well it is different with me, he would never do that”….and somehow I get late night phone calls when it happens. I really would like nothing to do with my ex husband or his love life but if he were to start dating someone I knew or was friends with I wouldn’t feel right keeping that from them. I absolutely think you should say something. Even if she is angry now, if it happens in the future she will probably recognize it before it turns physical.

    Post # 13
    Member
    6741 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I agree w/ PPs – tell her what happened in your relationship, tell her you just wanted her to know the facts so she’s prepared in the future and for her to make her own decision.  If you choose to invite her to the wedding and she’s still dating your ex at that time, then you have every right to tell her only she is invited because he is your ex, and he was abusive, and you want nothing to do with him or have him at your wedding. 

    There is 1 ex of mine that wasn’t really abusive, but was a liar and did some other stuff after we were broken up, long story I don’t want to get into, but if one of my friends dated him, I wouldn’t be upset (well, I’d be upset for HER lol), but I certainly would make it clear that he is NOT permitted at my wedding, no matter what.  I think everyone would understand – he is an ex after all. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    6221 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

    I would definitely warn her but in a factual way. Don’t make it dramatic and tell her all your witnesses. Then let her decide what she wants to do

    Post # 16
    Member
    1733 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I think you should say something. I like PP’s idea of doing it over lunch somewhere slightly off the beaten path. You want to do this in public, in case *she* reacts really weirdly, but you do want to keep it on the DL.

    If you have the paperwork from when you filed a restraining order — any of your testimony, your co-workers testimony, stuff from the cops — I recommend bringing that along so that she can tell you’re not just making stuff up.

    Also, if there’s anyone in your mutual circle of friends who was at the party at which he threw you through the door, etc who can verify that that whole thing went down, you could refer her there too.

    Depending on how she takes it, you may lose the friendship…but if they stay together, you’re going to lose the friendship too. I can’t imagine that he’s going to be super comfortable with the two of you hanging out, given your past history with him.

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