(Closed) Would you set a “Me-A-Matum”?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
13249 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I wouldn’t, personally.  If I love the guy, then I’d be in it for the long haul, even if I didn’t have a ring.  I think it’s unfair to a relationship to end it just because he hasn’t proposed.  I also don’t really trust the “millionaire matchmaker” to give me relationship advice because it really is just a reality show. 

On the other hand, it’s your choice.  If being married is that important, or if you think this points to other issues in the relationship, then maybe you should give it a try. 

Post # 4
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee

@BumblingBee:

I’m sorry to hear you are struggling. I’ve had these thoughts myself before. Our 4 year Anniversary is May 2012. I’ve given myself an interal timeline (“Me-a-Matum” as I guess it’s called :)) so that I know I won’t neglect my thoughts/needs and push myself aside for too long. It’s not technically a “I’m going to walk” deadline, but it is a time where if nothing has changed, a serious conversation will need to be had and if no agreement/resolution is met, it may be time to go our separate ways. The only reason I say it’s not a “I’m going to walk” deadline is because I don’t want to leave because of _________. I’d rather have a conversation about it first and then that conversation would dictate what action I should take. (If that makes sense) I believe in couples not needing marriage as well, but I know I’m the type that would need the commitment at some point.

 

I’m not sure of your history.. have you had open conversations about marriage or do you know that it is his plan to marry you or are you not sure if he will ever want to get married? I do know plenty of couples that get engaged after the 5 year point; however, everyone is different so making yourself happy is the best answer I think I can provide.

Post # 5
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I did, and kept it to myself and a couple of very close friends (I shared with them to keep myself accountable to it).

 

I gave it a couple of extra weeks, and when I felt like my head would explode from the stress of not knowing what or how 2012 was going to be I walked.

 

 

Post # 6
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

1) I’ve read that book and I will say that to me it was awesome. She’s very opinionated but makes some great points in that book, especially when it comes to not settling for a mediocore relationship. Good read. 2) I do have a me-a-matum because I know I want to be married one day. If the guy I’m with does not want the same things in life as me, which includes marriage, then to me that is a deal breaker. With an ex I was with, he was a great guy but he wanted to join the military and I knew in my heart that I was not cut out for being a military wife (I have a lot of respect for those women who are though). So we broke up and I moved on. Did I not love him enough? No, but our goals in life were different and I knew I didn’t want some outside entity running our lives, so I had to leave. Same with being married. If a guy doesn’t want to marry me, then I would walk away from the relationship. To me love is not enough reason to stay with someone who isn’t interested in going down the same life road as yourself when it comes to big decisions like getting married.

Post # 9
Member
3798 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I would do this. Especially after several years. I took a different approach, however, and was pretty vocal from the start about what I expected and that if it took too long I had no problem leaving. I knew he was the one for me but I was not going to be jerked around for years on end. BUT…every couple is different!!!!

As far as the “5 year” thing she mentions, I wouldn’t go by everything she says. Just because she said five years doesn’t mean that’s the “end all be all” timeline. You will know if and when you are ready to set a Me A Matum. I do like most things she says about relationships, but timelines are not something anyone else can give you.

Post # 10
Member
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Like @Tarheelgurl said, I want to be with someone who wants the same things in life as me.  For ME, that includes marriage and children, in that order.  If a guy doesn’t want those same things, then it’s a deal-breaker.

I had always said I would not date a guy longer than two years without being engaged.  I literally told my boyfriend that he was on borrowed time, and that he had until our third anniversary to propose.  I wasn’t willing to hang around forever waiting for him to decide.  If he didn’t want the same things, that was fine, but he needed to tell me so that I could find someone who did.  He proposed on our third anniversary, and we are now married.  We discussed it a couple weeks ago, actually, and he said that yes, it was a part of why he proposed, though not the only reason.  For him, (and he gets this from his dad!) change is scary!  He was comfortable with our relationship, and even though we already lived together, to him, marriage was a change, and therefore, uncomfortable.

I DO agree with giving a “Me-a-Matum” (well, obviously, since I guess I gave one!  LOL!).  I don’t agree with the way it’s done in the above example.  To me that sounds like, your fifth anniversary rolls around and you just roll out of bed the next morning and say, “You had your chance, I’m gone!” and blindside him.  I think there needs to be open and honest communication as to your feelings long before then.  Like, if the five-year mark is your personal timeline, then maybe give the Me-A-Matume on the third or fourth anniversary.

Post # 11
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think it’s a good idea. I know lots of people say “If you love him, you’ll stay”, but that really isn’t all that it’s about. A relationship is based in love but it’s all the other stuff that makes it work. You can’t keep a relationship going if love is all you have. You have to have common goals/interests/ways of life in order to make relationships work. And in this way, I think it’s fine to say “I don’t think we’re heading in the same direction”. No matter how much you love him, if you want different things eventually things are going to go bad and/or one of you will resent the other. 

I think you need to have a conversation with your SO. See what he’s thinking as to his future and make sure it matches yours. If it’s heading in the right direction, give it some more time. If you want completely different things, then you need to start thinking about whether or not you will be happy living the kind of life he wants (or vice versa with him living yours).

Post # 12
Member
4477 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

There’s nothing wrong w/a me-a-matum.  One person said if you love someone, you wait as long as it takes, but I have to disagree.  First of all, if marriage is important to you, you should be in a relationship with someone who’s on the same page.  Secondly, just because you think he’s the one doesn’t mean he feels the same way.  If he really did feel that way, he’d marry you.  I’ve seen too many women wait for lord knows how long for their guys to come around, only to eventually break up and see the guy get married less than a year later.  These women were willing to wait because they loved the guy and thought he was the one, while the guys never were sure.  

 

I’ve set a me-a-matum.  I’ve shared my ideal timeline w/SO, because I’m tired of passively waiting for him to make up his mind.  And I found that once I started seriously talking about it, THAT’s when the “I’m excited about marriage” “I can’t wait for us to live together” talk started.  Some guys really do need a shake and wakeup call.  

Post # 13
Member
4351 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

@abbie017:  I have to agree with this.

That said, if it is a make or break thing, then he needs to know.  For example:  a male friend of mine wanted to have kids with his partner; she said she would like to get married first.  So they did, they got married because it was important to her.

@Tarheelgurl: <this!!

Post # 14
Member
5885 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I guess I gave my Darling Husband a “Me-a-Matum”. I moved apts about 10 mos into our relationship. I signed an 8 month lease. When boyfriend at the time asked why I signed a short lease, I said “We’ll have been together for 1.5 years by then. We are either going to be engaged and living together (I won’t live together unless engaged) or we need to break up and I need to buy a condo.” 

He was 40 and I was 39, we didn’t have time to waste. It was sh** or get off the pot. He was taken aback by my boldness, but he agrees that if I hadn’t done that we would have dated for several more years before he made a decision. 

But I also know my Darling Husband, he can make small decisions (where to eat dinner) super fast but other decisions can take him forever. He’s been talking for forever about buying another guitar, and we have the money, but just can’t make a decision about what to do. I knew 1)I had waited too long in other relationships and I wasn’t going to do that again especially with the biological clock ticking and 2)I’d be waiting forever if I hadn’t made my intentions clear.

Post # 15
Member
2584 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with deciding to walk if you’re not wanting the same things or are not on the same page with life. But this sounds like out of nowhere, you basically dump the guy? I’m very pro-communication, so it seems unfair to just leave without telling the guy that you’re serious enough about marriage that you would leave. Honestly, this still sounds like an ultimatum to me- if the guy wants the girl back, he has to propose, even if he still just isn’t ready… not sure I really understand the difference, except in how the ultimatum is carried out.

Post # 16
Member
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

OK, well first off, I think Patty is an awful cow, BUT, I do semi agree with her. I think a me-a-matum is a good idea, but I would add to it that:

a) You need tot alk to your Fiance about your timeline, and the fact that you want to get married….if he has no idea how you feel, you can’t very well be mad at him for not acting on it. You need to have an (as) calm (as possible) coversation with him, and tell him how you feel, and why.

b)If you do leave you leave because you WANT to leave, a,d it’s over for you, and not as a trick to make him propose, because that definitely has the potential to blow up in your face.

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