- 7 years ago
By “Me-a-Matum”, I mean a point in time at which you are willing to walk if he has not proposed/made a definite statement and move towards it. I would never give a marriage ultimatum in the classic sense, but then again I am uncertain that a proposal that resulted from the “Me-a-Matum” described below would be genuine either.
See the below excerpt/description of the book by Patti Stanger (not that I am a fan of the “Millionaire Matchmaker” show, but this struck me, especially given that my SO and I will have been together 5 years (in April 2012)):
Stanger advises marriage-minded women who have put in the time with a guy who’s dragging his feet about proposing to use a Me-a-matum, not an ultimatum. In her book, Become Your Own Matchmaker: 8 Easy Steps for Attracting Your Perfect Mate, she explains the difference:
“An ultimatum is a demand accompanied by a threat. A Me-a-matum is a suggestion accompanied by a gesture.”
Stanger’s theory is that men, once comfortable in a relationship, don’t want to go out and look for love again. The Me-a-matum is his wake-up call.
“I believe men are creatures of habit. If you give them everything they want, you cook his meals and clean his house, and five years later if he hasn’t given you the ring, you need to leave.
“You don’t do it nasty. You go, ‘Hey listen, you know, it’s been a great five-year run, but I just realized you’re not marriage-minded as I am.’ [Then you] hit the road.
“He starts to freak out, ’cause now his whole world has been shattered. He’ll come around. They say a guy’s not gone till eight weeks. So he’ll come around. I actually think in the first two weeks he starts to panic.”
We’ve talked about it recently, and he says he is not ready at this point, as he feels our relationship is”settling down.” We have been through some tough times in the past several years, but have made it this far (through some trying times) and I do love him, so that hurts. I’ve spent the last month (since we had our last serious conversation about it) feeling pretty low. At this point, he seems focused on anything but engagement and our relationship. We have lived together for about 4 years. Money is definitely not a factor. Essentially, we are married in our lifestyle, but his reticence to actually make it official is creating a great deal of resentment for me, and I am not sure I can handle much more. It’s affecting my confidence in the relationship and his committment to me. The 5 year mark is forboding and troubling to me, and I am not sure I will be able to hang on past it…in the meantime, I am mentally preparing for the potential break up.