(Closed) Would you stay with a guy who doesn't want to marry?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Would you stay with a guy who doesn't want to marry?

    No. I would move on.

    Yes. Marriage isn't that important to us.

    umm... I'm not sure

    Other. i'll explain

  • Post # 47
    Member
    1096 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    Marriage is very important to me. My family (including me) is very religious. You can’t live with someone or have sex with them before you get married. So I’m not willing to be in a relationship with someone for a decade and not live with them or have kids.

    Post # 48
    Member
    408 posts
    Helper bee

    @This Time Round:  I think there’s a big assumption that women aren’t upfront  about their want to marry or they don’t speak up to see if they’re on the same page. My ex of 5 yrs knew early on it was something I wanted and he initiated marriage talks early into our relationship.

    Everything from having a small wedding, big wedding etc together.

    So it was never a worry, as I trusted my SO and believed we were on the page that it will happen.

    Just because a man says this doesn’t necessarily mean marriage is going to happen. Wether in general or With you. 

    Something may change along the way or he could be stringing you along. It’s up to the woman who is indeed ready to decide how long she is willing to stay with said man.

    Post # 49
    Hostess
    2253 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    @tiff-tiff-tiff:  If this post were three years ago, I would have said, “Heck no, I’d leave in a heartbeat.” However, when I first got together with DH I remember him saying how much he hated marriage. Both of our parents had really messy divorces, so I kind of got it, but I didn’t really *believe* him. I just stuck it out and after about two years we talked about it again. I told him how important it was and how it isn’t just a piece of paper to me. He agreed, and totally changed his tune. 

    He now tells me every day how happy he is that he married me. 🙂

    I know with the majority of relationships that have a one-sided marriage opinion this is not the case, but it was with me. Now, we never got into intense fights about marriage which I know some people do. If this is the case, obviously you need to re-think your options and decide what is important for your future. However, there sometimes is possibilities that there might be an underlying reason. That’s always something to look into.

     

    Moral of the story? Communication is KEY! Talk it out and decide if marriage is something that your SO really doesn’t want, or if there’s just some other reason that they’re afraid.  

     

    Post # 50
    Member
    1426 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Nah, I want to have kids one day and it’s really important to me that it be within marriage. If I was absolutely sure I didn’t want them, then I might be more flexible. MIGHT. 

    Post # 51
    Member
    376 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    @This Time Round:  THIS!!! SO WELL STATED!!

    I especially agree with the statement about a man saying “I dont see myself marrying till I’m 30”. This was verbatim, what my ex had said, and we had been together for 4 yrs, at ages 22/23. He was not even open to the idea of getting engaged at say 24/25. I was a yr older, so that means that marriage/kids would all be super rushed from ages 31-35? So I’d practically be pregnant all the time for about 5 yrs or so? How would this affect my career,etc….Plus, he was quite unwilling to compromise..
    My current SO is COMPLETELY different! Everything is open to discussion and possibly compromise as necessary. 

    Post # 52
    Member
    2503 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    @Baal:  +1

    I couldn’t agree more. Whether you believe in marriage or not is one thing, but since a lot of benefits depend on marital status, I would not stay with a man who didn’t want to get married.

    Post # 53
    Member
    875 posts
    Busy bee

    There are some circumstances in which I might stay with a man who doesn’t want to marry. For example, if I were living in a European country that gives unmarried partners legal rights, I would be willing to spend my life with that perfect person and compromise on the marriage part.

    But if we’re assuming that I stay in the United States, then marriage becomes more important. Besides, I’ve always wanted to marry, and if I decide to have kids, I would want them to have parents with that (publically stated) level of committment.

    Post # 54
    Member
    7439 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    TO @NickiBee:  there are certainly Men (and Women for that matter) who SAY ONE THING… and DO SOMETHING ELSE.

    BUT THEN I was taught early on… THAT ACTIONS IN LIFE TALK LOUDER THAN WORDS.

    What someone does is way more important than what they say they’ll do.

    This is also why… to prevent misunderstandings, and being strung along that Communication is key.  (Ongoing Communication is important in EVERY Healthy Relationship)

    IF after a period of time it is clear that two people aren’t on the same page, and it matters to one of them about getting more serious, being married, having kids, whatever… then it is up to that person to make a decision… stay status quo, or go.

    You cannot cajole a person into marrying you and actually have it work (an Ultimatum… such as “Marry me or I am outta here”)

    You can however say, I want to be married.  I want to be married by the time I am 30, so I can start having kids.  If I am not Engaged by the time you and I are 28, then I will have to consider my options.

    That is truthful.  No threats.  The choice is then ALL UP TO YOU.  And what you decide you are willing to LIVE WITH (or some would say, put up with… as the behaviour of your Partner isn’t in line with your LIFE PLAN)

    As for women not being upfront…

    I’ve certainly heard of situations where women have said they didn’t lay all the cards on the table early on, because they were scared that by bringing up marriage too soon they’d be scaring a guy off.

    Possible… ya sure.

    But in reality… I think most guys appreciate a strong confident independent woman who knows her own mind… and what she wants out of life (having a LIFE PLAN is a sign of a well organized person / mind).  Nothing to be ashamed of there

    The Right Man sees this to be an asset, not a woman who is desperate.

    Desperate reads differently. Desperate is clingy in action.  Desperate is putting oneself and one’s needs behind that of the other person all the time…

    “I didn’t want to bring it up, cause I didn’t want to upset him… or see him leave me”

    That is clingy… that is desperate.  That is WHY this person isn’t married yet.

    When you don’t put at least the element of Marriage and how it falls into your LIFE PLAN out there early… you honestlly are cheating yourself.  You are allowing yourself to get into a relationship that might not be inline with your Goals… or how you see life to be for yourself.

    This is just another element that should be brought forward early on in my opinion, so one can evaluate the compatibility of the other person (and not waste any one’s time… which is fair to BOTH parties).

    Marriage – Sex – Drugs – Alcohol – Porn – Cheating – Respectfulness – Relationship Boundaries, these are ALL things I talk about in the get to know you phase.

    I get a feel for the other person’s sensitivities / limitations… and IF they don’t check all the boxes OR there are significant differences (ie what constitutes Cheating) then I am free to make the decision to stay or go.  Continue the relationship or not.

    The idea being, that I am not invested fully… so it won’t hurt so much.  And we are both free to go our own way to find someone more compatible to our needs / LIFE PLAN

    — — —

    PS… I used the “Royal I – We – and You” in this reply… I of course didn’t mean you personally, as I certainly don’t know your own situation past or present.

     

    Post # 55
    Member
    253 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I never lived with anyone or anything. To me marrige would make my life more excitimg (moving in with him,etc.) I date for marrige, so i wouldn’t be too happy if he said he didn’t.

    Post # 56
    Member
    547 posts
    Busy bee

    I would stay. When I was younger I didn’t plan on getting married and I still don’t care that much about it. I DO get a case of the warm fuzzies when I think about marrying my SO, but I honestly am not sure why, since we are committed to one another with or without being married and I’m normally not into the typical romance stuff.

    Post # 57
    Member
    574 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Marriage is important to me so I would walk. Luckily, DH and I were on the same page about marriage and starting a family.

    For me, it’s more of an issue of not being in agreement about what the couple wants in life rather than a love issue–you could definitely still be in love with someone and walk away from a relationship.  I think it’s more important to be on the same page about things so if both parties don’t think marriage is too important then I believe that’s okay too.

    Post # 58
    Member
    1277 posts
    Bumble bee

    maybe I would stay, but probably not. 

    I view marriage as beautiful, my parents have been together 40 years and I want a love like that for myself. If a relationship has been through its fair share of good and hard times, and both parties and still happy and have that great partnership, and it has been a reasonable timeframe and he STILL has not proposed, I think I would leave. It’s fair to me to have what I want in life too. I get that some guys are perhaps still figuring things out ect. But there does come a time for me personally, where I would want them to decide and commit.

    Post # 59
    Member
    58 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I have never considered marriage a necessity, and neither has my partner. We are fully devoted to one another, and both view marriage as a symbol of a pre-existing commitment rather than commitment itself. So while I hope we do marry, I would stay with him for life either way. 

    That said, if my partner did not want to marry me because he was not completely committed, or was uncertain of our future together (the whole “I don’t want to marry YOU” problem), then yes I would walk. 

    Post # 60
    Member
    1074 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    This was me 10 years ago.  I was with a boyfriend for nearly 8 years and then we split after he went to therapy and said he couldn’t ever get married.

    We are both married now, just not to each other.  Best thing I ever did for both of us.

     

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