(Closed) Would you stay with a guy who doesn't want to marry?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Would you stay with a guy who doesn't want to marry?

    No. I would move on.

    Yes. Marriage isn't that important to us.

    umm... I'm not sure

    Other. i'll explain

  • Post # 92
    Member
    2452 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @tiff-tiff-tiff:  Marriage is imporant to me, but I’m still going to have to say I don’t know to this question.

    Post # 93
    Member
    137 posts
    Blushing bee

    Nope. I remember laying in bed with my first boyfriend, and asking where he saw himself in the future. He said he didn’t see himself getting married or having kids. I immediately thought to myself, “Then what the hell am I doing here?” 

     

    That was a terrible relationship. Needless to say, it didn’t last long. 

    Post # 94
    Hostess
    8573 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2014

    It really depends. If he never, ever ever ever ever ever [you get the point] in a zillion years wanted to get married, then yes I would leave.

    If he eventually wanted to get married I would be okay.

    Within the few weeks of me dating a guy, we would have a discussion about marriage/kids/the future. If the guy I was interested in seemed to have NO interest in marriage eventually down the line, kids and open to adoption, and had high hopes for the future, I continued in my search.

    I don’t think I’d wait longer than 10 years, though to be honest. I would feel after 10 years that he would be committed enough to take the plunge.

    I don’t understand women who give ultimatims to their SO after only 3 or 4 years though. I mean, yes 3 or 4 years is a long time, BUT if you want to spend your life with him its only a fraction of your life and you should be willing to wait a little longer.

    So in sum.. marriage isn’t EVERYTHING to me, but it is something.

    Post # 95
    Member
    2393 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @tiff-tiff-tiff:  

     

    I have seen posts about ultimatums and waiting bees who would walk if a commitment is not made by a certain time and bees who are just appauled at the whole situation.

     

    ITA … Although I made some mistakes in the past, today there is no way I would stay with a guy who didn’t want to get married. And I would take it a step further by saying I wouldn’t stay with someone who didn’t want to get married within a reasonable timeline. I can’t imagine waiting years and years and years for a proposal, unless perhaps we were both really young/in college or something like that. 

     

    I can’t speak for the Bees who are appalled at ultimatums but I’m guessing they value the relationship over their desire to get married.

     

    With me it’s kind of reversed. I highly value getting married and feel it is the ultimate form of commitment, and so therefore I would lose all attraction whatsoever for my “true love” if I found that he ultimately did not want to marry me.

     

    So yeah, I would be moving on pretty quickly if my guy stalled for time or kept making excuses. 

     

    There have been some Bees who debated with me about this, and they were all focused on what they perceived as “forcing a guy to marry you” by giving an ultimatum, but they didn’t seem to get that there would be no reason for me to stay in a relationship if I found that we had different goals in life, different world views. The mutual attraction would be gone. 

     

    Post # 96
    Member
    1812 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall

    I would need to know his reasons. We moved in together after 10 months, got a dog together a year after that, and joined finances a while after that. Honestly, we’ve felt “married” for a very long time. The party we threw was awesome, but nothing other than my name seems to have changed.

    While I would be annoyed by having to introduce someone as “my boyfriend” in my 30s, 40s, 50s, there wouldn’t really be anything we couldn’t do. The legal protections in case of breakup after buying a house/sharing finances would be nice, same with hospital visitation rights and stuff…

    I voted I’m not sure. It’d just depend on how he talks about it. Any reasons I can think of that he would give are kinda flimsy, so I’d lean towards leaving. But I’m not in that position, and it’s hard to imagine loving a hypothetical person, so who knows really! 

    Post # 97
    Member
    1643 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2015

    @tiff-tiff-tiff:  I was in this relationship.  I was here.  I did this…..  We were together 8 years before cohabiting, because we were young, but then he began dragging his heels with moving forward…….  We had couples counselling, we thought we could make it work, we got engaged, and planned a wedding, and he called it off…..  so after 12 years together.  We split up.  It was hard, and horrible…  but gee am I glad we parted ways!

    Post # 98
    Member
    2478 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    My views have changed over the years – I’m much older than most of you – and certainly, as a young woman, I had very little interest in marriage. I come from a family of very independent, career-minded woman and I was always brought up to believe that marriage was not an adequate goal in its own right. So in my early 20s, I was rather put off by any date who wanted to discuss marriage at the outset of the relationship and before we’d had any chance to get to know each other. Back then it was never my dream to have a wedding. Instead, I wanted adventures!

    Having both been married before and had children, my DH and I were happy to live together in a permanent and committed relationship. Neither of us were against marriage, as such, but neither of us were in any hurry whatsoever to get married. We both felt that if the time was right we’d know it and act upon our instincts. If we never felt the time was right then we’d stay happily unmarried!

    If he’d been fervently anti-marriage, I wouldn’t have left him. But then as an older couple with children we didn’t have any pressure to feel the need to get married. But I guess the most important thing about our relationship was that we were on the same page. Any couple holding wildly differing views about something as important as marriage is likely to have problems.

    The posts on here that sadden me most are from those Bees who have spent what should be the best years of their lives waiting for men who clearly have no intention of marrying them yet don’t have the courage to actually say so. If you are prepared to commit yourself to another person then it goes without saying that you should be able to have honest and open communications. Even if sometimes you don’t hear what you’d have hoped to hear.

    Post # 99
    Member
    1768 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 1997

    View original reply
    @Steampunkbride:  “The posts on here that sadden me most are from those Bees who have spent what  should be the best years of their lives waiting for men who clearly have no  intention of marrying them but don’t have the courage to say so ..”

    I agree with this for the most part, although I don’t think it’s “lack of courage that prevents the men from being honest.” I think lots of time men are honest but the woman just don’t choose to hear it/ believe it. See it here all the time, clutching at straws of hope from other women who finally got him to marry them after xx (insert magical number) of years giving them advice to hang in there.  Argh.

     

    Post # 100
    Member
    516 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    Yes, I would. my fiancé was actually in the opposite boat. I, for a long time (many years), didn’t want to get married. I am so grateful that he stuck with me through that period and I can happily say that we are getting married next Summer! 

    Post # 101
    Member
    2836 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    @tiff-tiff-tiff:  I think it honestly depends.

    I’ve never had a strong desire to “simply marry”–it was after I met my husband that I realized I did, in fact, want to be married– to him.

     

    So I used to think I just didn’t want to get married.  But what I learned is that…..I had to meet the right person to know that I wanted to.

    If my husband didn’t want to get married to me after I decided I wanted to marry him?  Even though logically, I would have *tried* to stay with him, I think that we would have ended up not staying together- because my guess it, if I wanted to marry him, and he did not, there would end up being resentment down the road.  I would wonder why he didn’t want to marry me– especially because as I already mentioned:  I had no desire to marry before I met my husband.  So for me- and where I stood/stand on the subject, I’d question why he didn’t want to– and I’d likely be questioning the relationship.  Now I KNOW that sounds silly to some– but it’s based on my OWN experience.

     

    I would certainly *try* to continue to be in a relationship with my S/O- to see if we could still harmoniously be together.

     

    Thankfully, my husband (who also thought he would never marry)- wanted to marry me, too!! 🙂

    Post # 102
    Member
    70 posts
    Worker bee

    I couldn’t stay with a guy who never wanted to marry. My two biggest dreams in life have always been to get married and have a family. I know some people think it’s just a piece of paper, but to me it means so much more. 

    Post # 103
    Member
    226 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    No, I wouldn’t stay with anyone who made it clear that he did not want the same things out of life.  Waste of time.

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