Would you stay with a partner who loves you but is not "in love" with you?

posted 8 months ago in Relationships
Post # 106
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

I 100% think you need to divorce him.

Think of your child. Do you want a son thinking that treating his wife like she’s a roommate is ok? or that mysoginistic behavior is ok? Becuase he will. He’ll pick up on EVERYTHING your husband does or doesn’t do, and he’ll go on to treat a woman like his father treated you. 

And what if it’s a girl? Are you ok with your daughter never knowing a man should treat his wife with love and affection? She’ll think his behavior is normal and heaven forbid, might fall for someone 100x worse because he “won’t be that bad”. 

Please, for your child, leave this man. You’re not happy. Children can sense when you’re not happy. Even if you never ever fight in front of your child, it’s not always about that.

I wouldn’t want to be with a person I wouldn’t want for my own child.

Post # 108
796 posts
Busy bee

wondering146 :  The way you describe your financial situation it sounds like it was to his advantage not to have a prenup. I’m not sure what you are getting out of this arrangement that you wouldn’t get from a roommate or even paying a housekeeper instead of his ex. If you two split up, he would still be obligated to support the child financially.

Post # 109
1259 posts
Bumble bee

Kids are very sensitive to the mood in the room, even from a young age of 1-2. No screaming matches required. They’ll also model their future relationships based on their parents relationships. They observe and absorb basically everything that you do and say. So yea… having a roommate like relationship that is going to end at any time for a variety of reasons is not a good relationship model for your child. Also the fact that your child will become used to having a family then have it pulled apart at some point because it was inevitable it was going to end, that’s cruel. wondering146 :  

Post # 110
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

No, I would not.  I refuse to be w/someone who sees me as a convenince, I’d rather be single TBH.  I love my fiance and he loves me.  A well balanced love, but we are really in love.

Post # 111
1114 posts
Bumble bee

Your marriage is a balance sheet, but it’s supposed to be a partnership. You aren’t ‘together’ in the full meaning of the word. You are roommates who have sex. And you are bringing a baby into this mess. 

I’m very sorry, but your husband doesn’t love you. It has nothing to do with you, and it doesn’t matter if it has something to do with his ex. A man in love, with a healthy respect for his wife, doesn’t make her pay for pregnancy related things alone. He doesn’t insist on paying for groceries separately. He doesn’t split the check in a restaurant. A man in love is affectionate and loving, and a man who respects his wife won’t tell her that if she alters her own body he will leave her, and if she can’t work he will leave her. That isn’t your fault. You are loveable. HE is the one with the issue. 

If you could be content with being in a business-like relationship for compatibility, I’d say go for it. However – 
 – you are unhappy
 – he tries to control your body and life
 – you have a child

Parents don’t need to fight to mess up a child’s concept of love and relationships. All your child needs to see is the coldness and disrespect for it to mess them up royally. Expect that they are going to need therapy themselves and have dysfunctional relationships, and if you think that’s too harsh you better think again. You and your husband are the primary role models in how to love, how to communicate, how to respect each other, what to expect from a spouse, how to treat others. You need to give careful consideration to how responsible you want to be for your child learning this. 

Sometimes people think they have to stay in a relationship if there’s no physical abuse or cheating, but that’s not the case. You stay in a marriage until it doesn’t work for you. You already know this relationship doesn’t work for you, as much as you try to convince yourself otherwise. It isn’t enough. If he can be convinced to go to therapy and work on this relationship with you there’s a shot, but if he can’t be bothered then you shouldn’t be either. There are too many other men out there who will want to make you happy to bother with someone who doesn’t care. 

I am very close with someone who had more of a ‘companionship’ situation with her husband. She did love him, but he didn’t love her and it was pretty obvious. She was content because she had her needs taken care of. At 50, after 20 years together, he fell in love, had an affair, divorced her super fast, and moved to another country to live with his new girlfriend. She was inconsolable for a year…and then she met someone who actually WANTED to be with her, spent time with her, and made her feel like she was desired and valued. This man cooks for her, supports her through troubles, spends his free time with her, sends her flowers at least twice a month, and he just proposed to her. She is blissfully happy, instead of just content. 

Which brings me to your situation. These things will out. If he doesn’t love you, eventually he will not be satisified with the status quo and he will leave you, and it will not be on your terms. If you stay because it’s easier, if you stay because it’s convenient, it will end up going worse for you in the end. 

Post # 112
950 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Honestly, I don’t even think your husband loves you so it’s not really an issue of staying with someone who loves you but isn’t in love with you.  FWIW,  I don’t want to tear my husband’s clothes off and we don’t have crazy, passionate  sex but I consider myself in love with him. Our sex life is meaningful and loving.   He’s my best friend and the one I want by my side for the rest of our lives.  I thought that when you first posted you were describing a marriage like that . However,  as you updated I saw that that wasn’t the case and your marriage holds zero love.  

Post # 113
124 posts
Blushing bee

I would absolutely not stay in a marriage like that, children or not. Your life sounds pretty sad. Don’t you want to be loved and cherished by your man? Your husband sounds too emotionally damaged.

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