(Closed) Would you take his surname if…

posted 9 years ago in Traditions
Post # 3
5622 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Yes, I would, even if I didn’t like his father.

Post # 4
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@krayzay87:  I haven’t changed it yet, but I will. And his father doesn’t top my list of favorite people. To me, his last name represents who he is despite who his father is and how he acts. To me, his last name is a mark of how amazing and strong he is, not how careless and rude his father tends to be. I don’t hate his dad. In fact, I really liked him when we first met. But he’s managed a pretty impressive downslide. 

Before we married, I thought I’d rush to change my name afterward, especially to distance myself from my own father. But now, I feel the same way about my own last name — I have made it mine, despite the way my father has always treated me. I have withstood a lifetime of dislike, distance, neglect and verbal lashings from my father. Not always at once, and, in fact, not always, period. Which is possibly what makes it so hard sometimes. The fact that we’ve been close at times, but he always goes back to acting like I don’t exist, even though he and my mom are still married and my mom and I are very close. I went from wanting to get away from that last name to realizing that it’s not my father’s last name. It’s MY last name. That change in mindset has made all of the difference. 

Post # 5
1224 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I hate my FI’s father, literally hate him. But I am still taking my FI’s surname, I don’t associate it with his father. More of my FI’s tradition of carrying on his last name to his wife and then his children. It will be our last name to share.

Also my Fiance is the 3rd (Alexander Joseph Linden the 3rd for example) So if we had a son our child would be Alexander Joseph Linden the 4th. Same name as FI’s father but it’s important to my Fiance. Soo, ya. Don’t worry about the father, worry about the man you love.

Post # 6
1789 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017

I never once thought to associate my FI’s surname particularly with his father until I read this. I visualise taking my FI’s surname to be the two of us becoming a family in our own right, not an extension of his father’s lineage per se. I hope this helps!

Post # 7
707 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@krayzay87:  That’s part of the reason why I didn’t change my name. Most of it was for professional reasons. But the men in his family have a tradition of behaving like total pigs, for lack of a better word. His great-grandfather left his great-grandmother. So his grandfather actually changed the family name to something similar-sounding but different (probably to forget his non-existant father). Then, sadly, DH’s dad left his mother. It’s a very awkward situation to be in. Needless to say I want nothing to do with this name that’s really only a couple of generations old anyway.

Post # 8
7553 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

Yes I would still take his name.

Post # 9
3189 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Yes, I would. But then again, my maiden name obviously comes from MY dad’s father – and he is a pretty terrible person who I’ve only met like three times in my entire life due to a total lack of interest on his part. I’ll be honest, I was still a little sad about changing it and having a name that associated me with DH’s parents instead of my own, but like other bees said I basically just had to change my mindset from it being about our parents/families to it being about sharing that with my DH. I’m not a fan of hyphenating, it sounds awkward with our names, and it was very important to me that my children and I share a last name – although I will be using my dad’s name as the middle name for my son who is due in May.

Post # 10
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Fiance doesn’t even speak to his father – I will be adopting his name because I love the man he is, and I can’t wait to have a little family full of his last name. But I’m a bit of a sook when it comes to that because my mother and I had different last names and it got confusing and at times embarrassing always explaining why..

Post # 11
5995 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@krayzay87:  Absolutely yes! I love DH regardless of his relatives.

Post # 12
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Yes, I would. 

Post # 13
933 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC

Yea i dont see the logic behind not taking his name because of his father either …. after all if you have any kids, theyre most likely going to have it

Post # 14
3949 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Yes I would. It’s my DH’s last name, I’m marrying him NOT his father, besides DH’s grandfather had that same last name.

Post # 15
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Yup, I’m not marrying his father.

Post # 16
20 posts
  • Wedding: May 2013

Unlike others here, I am totally struggling with this. Fiance has his mother’s name, as his father wasn’t involved in their lives. But his mother… can’t get into it too much here, but she is legit psycho. She has a personality disorder, and her oldest child doesn’t even speak to her. My Fiance wouldn’t speak to her either if he didn’t feel guilty. He’s literally all she has in the world, and he’s not that cold. But neither of us can stand her. They’re part of an extremely small family, and her and Fiance are the only two with the last name that I’ve ever met. I just have such a difficult time thinking about taking her name, even though I’d really be taking his name. But it’s sort of that thing “If A=B and B=C, then A=C.” I just feel she doesn’t deserve to have anyone named after her. My family is wonderful, and we spend all our time with them. If it wasn’t against societal norms, we’d probably both take my name. But men get called pansies for that sort of thing.

I don’t know. It’s a really tough decision. But yes, I’m struggling with it big time.

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