Post # 1
So I am wondering if my FCIL thinks I’m trying to “crush” her weddings/ideas. She has these great ideas, but is completely broke. She wants all this stuff and because I am planning my wedding I’ll say, ohhh I wanted that but I can’t afford it. Then we talk about how much it is and then she’ll get disappointed. Her Future Mother-In-Law wanted me to get her to book a caterer because its about 8 months until the wedding. So I brought it “isn’t it crazy that things book up so fast? I mean I had to book my venue 13 months out and even the DJ I booked a year in advance and I was the last person?” Then I asked if she had a caterer and stuff like that and she said, “No, but we have all the big things like venue and decorations figured out”.
One more example scenario:
Me: where do you want to go for your honeymoon?
FCIL: So its really unique and out there, but I want to go to Cuba.
Me: Um…you can’t go to Cuba. They don’t allow travel there unless you to go around the system.
FCIL: Really? Well we might go to Fiji.
Me: I would LOVE to go to Fiji when we can afford it.
FCIL: How much is it?
Me: At least $6000 if not more.
FCIL: (looks disappointed) oh….
I just don’t want to be a Capital “B”, but how do talk to her without being perceived negative.
Post # 3
No, i wouldnt take offense. It sounds like she’s kind of clueless and has a lot of research to do!! I think it’s good you are asking her some questions – will hopefully get her thinking (and booking!)
Post # 4
Sounds like she’s the dreamer and you’re the realist! I’m more of a realist myself, so I don’t see a problem with your comments – as long as you encourage her in other ways too…I dunno, sometimes it’s nice to just have someone say “that sounds amazing!” instead of telling you that it can’t happen. You might want her to just draw her own conclusions on whether or not her dream is real.
But I lol’d at the Cuba thing being unique and out there…as a Canadian we don’t consider Cuba unique…moreso that it’s a cheap getaway with bad food! lol
Post # 5
I think you’re just telling her how it is.
Post # 6
I don’t think I would be offended but she seems like a naive young girl who is dreaming. I just don’t know if you should be the one to crush her dreams, maybe steer her in a direction to figure it out herself. For example if she said she wants to go to Fiji I would say “that’s awesome, hopefully you can find some great deals because I’ve heard it’s expensive”.
Even though I know you mean well I did read a negative tone in that conversation. Offer to help and then when she realizes things on her own after doing research then you can swoop in and be the hero with a plan B.
Post # 7
- Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ
I think it’s fine. I do notice people tend to take a criticism better if you put a positive in there and spin the negative like roxy821‘s example. I’m a pragmatist myself, and I have to be careful I don’t crush dreams when I chat with people. 😉
Post # 8
i just wouldn’t talk to her about weddings. i’d get sick of being the bearer of bad (albeit, realistic) news.
Post # 9
I don’t think your saying anything wrong, shes just not thinking about it realistically and you are. Its not your fault she hasn’t done research if you feel that bad though maybe just smile and say “thats nice” and let her figure it out later on her own.
Post # 10
i love the “oh, we’ll just go to fiji comment”.
yeah, babe, those overwater bungalows are dirt cheap.
Post # 11
@roxy821: this! Great advice.
@mkewed2010: If you are feeling like a downer for her, perhaps ask her if she’d like any help doing ‘x’ or researching ‘x’ and see what she says. If she takes you up on it, then great – if she isn’t ready or doesn’t want help, then leave her be and just listen to her when she tells you things and be excited for her process.
I thought I had a pretty realistic view of what things costs and then had to make adjustments as I proceeded with planning as I things were way more expensive than I anitcipated. figuring that out will be part of her wedding planning experience and if you are starting to feel bad about being the bearer of bad news, maybe you need to let her figure that out on her own.
Post # 12
@mkewed2010: Does FCIL mean Future Child In Law or what? I’m so confused.
I don’t think it’s offensive. But instead of talking about money you could just say, “Aw I really want to go there!” Or if it can be perceived as negative, just don’t talk about yourself in that situation. Just say, “That’s great! Have you researched it at all yet?”
Post # 13
@roxy821: yeah I try to be as upbeat as possible and oohh and ahh over other things (like her dress or what not), but like you said maybe I should tell her the same things but in a positive way. Or say “wow that sounds great” and leave it at that.
@CanadianBride2011: Cuba is like the “sneaky cool” american vacation haha.
@MrsTVLover: I think most of her research (she’s been engaged for about a year) has been on decor, dresses and Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses. She’s one of those “everything will fall in place” type of people.
Post # 14
@kperry3: Future cousin in law 🙂 I agree I should stop bringing up the money thing and let her figure it out!
Post # 15
I think what you are saying is fine – you’re simply being realistic. But spinning the comments more like roxy821 said wouldn’t be a bad idea either.
Post # 16
I thought it was future child in law. And when I read it I thought you were trying to sort of tell her the hard truth since you were marrying her father or something like that. But future cousin, no way! Stay positive and let her figure it out all on her own.