Post # 32
I dont think she should just assume you guys will take her kid. She shouldnt go into the army if that means she has to be away from her kid especiallty since th father isnt in the picture. DOesnt she want her child to grow up with atleast one parent there on a daily basis?
Post # 33
Coming from a career military family and having been a single mom, a solid career in the military with a temporary seperation from my child sounds a heck of a lot better than scraping by and worrying everyday. I’m assuming she is only able to get a minimun wage job? I see it as a responsible option. On par with going to college, working two full time jobs, and barely getting to see her son while she does all she has to do to survive (projecting my own situation, of course)…
But I don’t really know her or her past behavior. She could see it as ticket out… but personally, I wouldn’t run to the military to escape. You lose all freedom for quite a while.
Post # 34
hey everyone, while im not a mom, im an active duty servicemember. how it goes is you have a family care plan, and you have a provider for short term care, like deployments, training, etc, and for long term care, in case of your death. its mandatory for all single, custodial parents, and for dual military couples. if you are unable to fill out a family care plan, you will not be able to enlist, and if you are already in the service and have a child after joining, you will be seperated. its a very importaint document. as for custody, as far as i have been told by friends, during bootcamp and training they have to sign over custody temporarily, and its actually fairly common and not too hard to do. its different from the normal custody issues, because a, its temporary, and b, its for military service. lastly, ive read alot of the comments about it being her kid, her responsibilty….well just know that in alot of cases, after she completes schooling, and before she deploys, in most cases she will be able to move her child in with her, and then once she deploys, she still has to allot money to his temporary caregivers for him. being an active duty servicemember does not necessarily mean that she can or will shirk her motherly duties.
Post # 35
Thank you! Well said and wonderful information.
Post # 36
Once you make the decision to have a child, that child is your responsibility. Your health, their health; your well-being; their well-being. It’s just not responsible to leave your kid with someone else.
Post # 37
We’ll just have to agree to disagree. I don’t see this as abandonment or irresponsibility. But I do love your polls…
Post # 38
How old is the kid? How old is the mom?
Here is my perspective. I will only care for **someone else’s** kid if the alternative is foster care. However, I am happy to pretty much take anyone’s kid if I am appointed full guardianship / custody.
I know that sounds harsh….. But I have watched my SIL *take care of* her grand-son….. whenever the mom (we’ll call her Flakey) doesn’t feel like it. This boy goes back and forth between my SILs home and wherever Flakey happens to live at the moment. One year this boy was in FOUR schools in THREE states. My SIL doesn’t have any *rights* to this child…. so if FLakey shows up one day and decides to take him, she does. My SIL deals with this because Flakey is irresponsible, but not *abusive*, meaning abandoning your kid for whatever isn’t grounds to for my SIL to get custody unless my SIL wants to prove Flakey is *unfit* and sever the ties…. that would put the boy through the ringer and he would NEVER get to see his mom, which my SIL doesn’t think is best.
The problem is that the boy’s life is unstable and Flakey never had to suck it up and be a mom. Because she KNOWS her mom (my SIL) will be there to watch the boy. It’s not ideal, but my SIL thinks it’s better than her NOT being involved and giving him stability when she can.
So – (IMHO) I would tell your Fiance (and his daughter) that she’s a mom FIRST. Howvever, if she doesn’t want to be a mom anymore you are happy to ADOPT her child, but you will have legal and physical custody as grandparents and will raise the child as permanent custodians. If the mom wants to SEE her child you can work out visitation.
Being a parent comes FIRST. I could be a million things…. but I’m not because I made the choice to have (and keep) a child. Which means that job that makes tons of money, but requires travel? Yeah, I can’t keep that because I’m now a single mom. So, paycut for me. Them’s the breaks. It’s called being a parent. And I’m not resentful that I have a different job, because I love my kid and I’ve turned our life into something great – just great with much less money!!!!!! Sure, if I didn’t ever see my child I could get a better job and pay for her college. I’m quite pro-college, but my kid needs ME more than she needs me to pay for college. We can loans or scholarships or whatever……… That’s what you do when you’re a mom. ESPECIALLY when you’re a single mom.
Post # 39
Thanks for clarifying what I was trying to say but with all the right lingo! Yeah, there was a soldier working with DH one time that got pregnant from a one-night-stand. She decided to keep the baby, but her folks wouldn’t sign the family care plan so she was chaptered out. It sucks, but hey, if you can’t do
the job, you can’t keep
Post # 40
The difference is the OP’s step daughter isn’t asking them to babysit so she can go to the clubs. She is doing something that would better both of their lives dramatically. In some areas there aren’t options for jobs that even pay a liveable wage.
I was a teen mom. I put myself through nursing school. Did it mean that I was busy for a good portion of the day and had an irregular schedule (yay,clinicals), yep, but I have been a nurse now for 6 years and can more than provide for us.
Sometimes things aren’t about making more money or having more fun, it is about being able to provide even basics for your child and instead of maybe calling this girl selfish and saying she doesn’t want her child maybe we should we bad that she feels this might be her best option to take care of her child (even if that means she isn’t arround at times-this would kill me to think).
Post # 41
This is a really tough situation.
While I understand @MrsMeNow:
point of view regarding changing her life and her situation I wonder at what expense to the child these changes might come. Yes the child would have family to raise them which is better than foster care of course but it isn’t the child’s mother and of course this is best. I understand a temporary babysitting situation but how long would this last? Would the mother be gone for a year or so at a time?
My DH and I have agreed to be the legal guardians of my 11 year old cousin should (God forbid) something happen to my aunt and uncle. This was a very easy decision but one we certainly did not take lightly.
I am all about offering support for the child should something happen but I have to wonder if there are other opportunities and/or options to change their lives for the better without leaving the child for so long. It just seems like the cost to the child would out weigh the potential benefits.
Post # 42
there are better and less dangerous ways to better yourself. and as a single parent I think she owes it to her child NOT to leave the kid.
Post # 43
@iarebridezilla, I feel bad for her, I wish she would have been able to better explain the situation to her family. A lot of civilians, just as quite a few ladies in this board automatically assume that servicemembers are deployed 24 7, meaning for their entire tour of duty, they cant have thir kids, and thats just not true. there are alot of billets where a member is attached to their post, meaning they dont leave at all. and deploymentand training can vary anywhere from a week to a year, but alot of the time they average out to around 6 months, often followed by a period at their post for equal to double that length of time. depending on her mos, her branch, and the billet shes in, she may have her son the majority of the time.
Post # 44
I’m not sure how I’d say no but I would do my best to get her to reconsider. In my situation, we don’t want kids of our own, and that means we don’t want to have to care for someone else’s either. I think she should find another choice to better her situation.
Post # 45
Yes I would. My grandmother had to raise me, I’m very happy she did I’m not sure where I would have ended up otherwise.
Post # 46
My grandparents raised me as well but that was because it was them or foster care.
I personally don’t equate my situation and experience in the same category as the OP…. my mother was in no place to raise me and my grandparents HAD to raise me. From the sound of it this mother is choosing to put herself into a position to not technically raise her child and asking her parents to take over. Regardless of her motivitations she is still able to care for her child if she opted for another path/career.