Would you take your husband’s surname if he wanted you to not take it?

posted 1 year ago in Beehive
Post # 2
1105 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I would never not take my husband’s name, but taking your husband’s name does strike me as something that doesn’t “go with” feminism. So if yall are feminists then I see where he’s coming from. 

Post # 3
835 posts
Busy bee

I didn’t take my husbands name, and he didn’t seem to have strong opinions either way. But if he specifically said he didn’t want that, I wouldn’t take it. Especially for the reason he gave you. Do you have any reason to suspect otherwise?

Post # 4
641 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I didn’t take his. He took mine. The only person in his family with his old last name was his out-of-the-picture dad so why would we want his name?

Post # 5
4496 posts
Honey bee

I probably wouldn’t, particularly if he had strong feelings about it.  My name has gotten me this far just fine.  But then again, I probably would be with a guy who generally shares my same values and it would be likely we have similar thoughts on the matter and unlikely to be this far apart on opinions about it.

I think it would be something that warrants more discussion.  Do you want his name or merely to have the same last name?  Is he opposed to any name changes or only a change where the woman takes takes the surname of a man?  Is there compromise to be had such as combining names, taking a part of each name to create a new surname, him taking your name, or choosing a new last name altogether?

Post # 6
9667 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I would discuss alternative options if it was important to me that we have the same last name (I know to some people it is). He could take your last name or you could create a new last name together.

Post # 7
6437 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

That’s all fine and good until it comes to having children. If you don’t intend to have them, then no problem. If you do, then whose surname do they take?  It is an equally sexist tradition for children to automatically take the man’s surname. And I would never give my children a last name that was different from mine. Never. 

Post # 8
760 posts
Busy bee

There are plenty of cultures where the women don’t automatically take the men’s name. For example, I’m Chinese and women retain their last name. But… look at the history and you’ll see plenty of sexism. It’s a nice thought that your fiancé is a feminist but last names aren’t make or die. There’s a lot of other things to do to increase and ensure equality for all. I’m changing my last name even though my Fiancé never expected me to, because I want to have the same last name as my future children.

But you can’t take a last name if he doesn’t wanna give it to you. Whatever makes you guys comfortable. Maybe hyphenate your children’s last names? I know that can be difficult too but that’s the only way you can really make it equal. If we think about it that way, it’s kinda pretty sexist to automatically take the man’s last name. I know some people are taking on new last names together as a family but that kind of confuses me, since you might be taking on another family’s family history. I can trace my last name back pretty far and so can my Fiancé but we’re also pretty into genealogy. 

Anything you two decide together is fine, whether it’s to hyphenate, to not change your last name, or to get a new last name. It’s just exciting to become husband and wife!! (Or husband x husband or wife x wife) Good luck!! 

Post # 9
6597 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

scientarian :  honestly, it’s not really a logical argument coming from him unless you aren’t wearing white or a veil (symbolising purity), aren’t exchanging rings or wearing an engagement ring at all (showing your bond to him), aren’t being given away and (now that I’ve done a little ‘research’) aren’t having a best man (who apparently is supposed to fight the bride or her family if they try to escape?? that sounds a bit unlikely to me but who knows)… etc. I’m sure.

I know a lot of people think the name taking is sexist because at one time it symbolized ownership.  Well guess what?  It no longer means that because your fiance doesn’t and never will own you.  Meanings of things can change and traditions like carrying a bouquet to fend off the BO can become just holding something pretty.  Taking the husband’s name can symbolize becoming one family.  So can taking the wife’s name… would he rather do that?  Would you?  To me, making up a new one just sounds like a PITA, but whatever floats your boats in that case as well.  In the end, I’m a traditionalist and was delighted to take my husband’s name.  I’m not sure how he’d have felt if I didn’t want to, but it doesn’t matter for us. And man, it’s so much easier for people to spell now.

If he hadn’t wanted me to take his name because sexism… well honestly we probably wouldn’t be getting married because he’d make me puke too often or roll my eyes out of my head.  But assuming that wasn’t an issue, I’d tell him he needed to come up with a solution that still indicated we were united.  I’m not ever doing that thing where I don’t share a name with my family.

Post # 10
930 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

How can you want to “take” something that the “giver” doesn’t want to give? If nothing else, it’s a pride issue. 

I don’t think the last names of the children are a problem: his, hers, hyphenated, entirely new name. People are used to multi-named families.

Post # 11
2794 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

scientarian :  so he wants to fight against sexism and the patriarchy by removing a choice from you a woman?!

id point out the hypocrisy in what he’s saying and do what YOU want to do. 

Post # 12
729 posts
Busy bee

I wouldn’t. Less paperwork to do and more time to enjoy being together.

Post # 13
119 posts
Blushing bee

My problem with This is feminism isn’t about choosing women over men. It’s just about equal rights for both sexes. If you want to keep your name great, you want to take his name great, he wants to take yours great, or make up a new name great. They should all be looked at as equal and perfectly valid choices. It’s your descision . As soon as someone takes that choice away from you then that’s really not supporting feminism is it, even for very good moral reasonings.

I mean really how does this support feminism, when someone comments on it “Hey scientarian I think it’s so cool you decided to keep your own name” ….”oh well actually I really wanted to take my husbands last name, but he said I couldn’t”. That’s really going to undermine any sort of feminism ideals, if YOU kept it for feminism reasons great, but being forced to keep it for feminism reasons defeats the point.

I, as a feminist , think the best thing if you want patriarchal traditions to die out is just be open about YOUR choice if the name change comes up in conversation, just be empowered in your choice because it’s whats best for you. Support other women to choose their choice regardless of what others say they HAVE to do. That will make it 100x stronger than someone else deciding you should support feminism by doing something you never really wanted in the first place.

Post # 14
12 posts

This is tough. I get what your husband is saying and I think he has a right to feel uncomfortable supporting this tradition. However you obviously also have a right to make your own choices. Can you find a compromise? If sharing a name is important to you I would suggest either using your name as the family name (if he is okay with taking yours) or both hyphenating (so it wouldn’t just be you hyphenating, he would also be Mr. Hislastname-Yourlastname). Personally, I favor both hyphenating if a shared name is important to you. Alternatively you could also keep your individual names and if you decide to have kids they can have both last names. 

Post # 15
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I think it would depend on if you’re planning to have kids or not.  I want to share my kid’s last name so either the kid has yours, you take his or hyphenate.  Just my opinion though.  I’d be happy to keep my last name if we weren’t having kids.

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