Would you take your husband’s surname if he wanted you to not take it?

posted 1 year ago in Beehive
Post # 31
Member
1105 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

KittyYogi :  Because you’re defining it inconsistently. Its one thing when you want me to hold a particular belief and another when you want me to be a feminist. The dictionary is a HORRIBLE place to look for definitions of philosophies. 

Post # 32
Member
1632 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think it’s clear from the OP what is going on. 

Like, is he actually disallowing her, or is he expressing discomfort? 

I generally feel a sense of discomfort and unease with the tradition of women taking the man’s last name. Especially because for professional women, you do take a hit in doing so (part of your weaker network doesn’t recognize who you are by name anymore), which explains why professional women are more likely to keep their names and/or continue to use their maiden names in the workplace.  So, unlike the tradition of like wearing a white wedding dress, this one actually comes with unpleasant burdens and side effects. And if he feels similar discomfort with it, then it makes sense that he’s not keen on the OP taking it. That said, it should still be her decision, and it’s not clear whether her fiance is actually saying “no, not over my dead body”, or is actually saying “yeah I don’t really want that.” 

That said, as with an relationship issue, this should be a discussion of how each side feels about it, and there should be efforts to reach a compromise. 

Post # 33
Member
2118 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Is this a joke? How can taking your husband’s name be anti-feminist. It should be whatever you want to do. I took my husband’s name partially because my name didn’t mean anything to me (it was not a family surname). My husband wouldn’t have cared if I hadn’t changed my name but he thought it was fun that I did. It certainly doesn’t make me any less of a feminist. Jeez. 

Post # 34
Member
4792 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

I don’t care either way. I took my husband’s last name, mostly because I like it more than my maiden name. The only thing that would worry me, like a PP said, is the children. If you were to have a kids, whose last name would they take? Would you have 1 take your last name and 1 take your husband’s? Or give them both, hyphenated? I’d figure that out. 

Post # 35
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I think you probably need to discuss further both of your reasons. As someone else said, is it just discomfit or is he not allowing you to.. and if that’s the case, do you guys want kids? If so, what’s his thoughts on the sexist traditions there of who’s last name they get. I think you both need to talk a bit more about this so that you fully understand each other and can hopefully get on the same page.

Post # 36
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I’m not sure I would marry someone who didn’t want me to take his last name. Taking his name, to me,  is a fundamental part of becoming a family unit and appearing like one. If he did not want me to take it because of appearing sexist, then I would assume that he would have vast differences in moral beliefs from me and therefore I do not think I would want to marry him.

Post # 37
Member
1718 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I wouldn’t marry him if he wouldn’t let me have his name XD I can understand if YOU don’t want to take his name, but not WANTING you to take his name for the sake of killing a rather harmless (come on, people, how many women do you know that scream, “AHHH I REGRET TAKING MY HUSBAND’S NAME BECAUSE IT STIFLES MY FEMININE FREEDOM AND EMPOWERS MEN AAAAAAH”) tradition? 

Weird.

Post # 38
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

scientarian :  I consider myself a feminist but I have taken my husband’s name (twice).  If either of them didn’t want me to then I would not have done, we would have found a shared name that we could have both taken.

Post # 39
Member
699 posts
Busy bee

I went back and forth a bunch of times; part of me wanted to keep my last name because I like it, it’s me, it’s me professionally, and I don’t like the history behind taking your partner’s name like you’ve become their property.

Fiance was fine with either decision; and I ended up deciding to take his name because I wanted us to sounds like a family unit. Have the same last name as our kids; etc. Being a feminist means I have the right to choose what I do; in this case I am chosing to take his name not because I have to but because I want to. You can’t argue that taking someones name is anti-feminism if they choose to take that name

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