Post # 1
To keep this as brief and vague as possible…
I am Maid/Matron of Honor in an upcoming wedding that is less than 1 year away. My best friend (where my loyalty obviously lies) started cheating on her fiance. They have been together a very, very long time. For years, she pushed him to propose (and with my help! sending him links to settings and diamonds and specs, etc.). She can’t decide which guy she wants to be with – but, IMO, I think by cheating she has forgone her “choice” (hello, she already said yes to a proposal) and in this case, I feel like he deserves to know so HE can choose whether he wants to marry her or not.
So if you were me – would you let your friend sort this out and stay out of it (what I’m leaning towards) or do you think I should reach out to him? I absolutely do not want to ruin my friendship, which would probably happen if I told him… but also, I feel like he deserves to know.
Post # 2
As messed up as it is, and as tempting as it would be to tell her fiance I would stay out of it.
My best friend is having an affair, she’s married. I don’t agree with it but I would never tell her husband, that’s not my place. I encourage her to stop, but that’s the extent of how involved I will get.
Post # 3
I don’t think this is your business, but I also don’t see how you can be in her wedding knowing this. I would only attend or be in a wedding if I fully supported the marriage, and I could not do that in good conscience, knowing he’s being betrayed.
Whatever you do, do not tell him anonymously, to me that’s pretty cruel.
Post # 4
I would absolutely tell. I would be livid if people knew my husband was cheating and didn’t tell me. It would be MY choice if I wanted to work it out or not, but purposely withholding that choice is shitty imo. I wouldn’t want to be friends with a cheater, and I certainly wouldn’t want to protect them by keeping that secret.
Post # 5
Part of me wants to say stay out of it.
But if a friend knew my now husband was cheating me before the wedding and never said anything I would be so upset.
Post # 6
I would stay out of it. You have no idea what he knows.
Post # 7
I agree with PP that if people knew I was being cheated on and said nothing — especially BEFORE the wedding! — I would be devastated and livid!! I would probably encourage her to tell him. And by encourage I mean practically force her to. I’d probably pull a “either you tell him or I will” situation. The man deserves to know. He’s about to commit his life to a person who is in another relationship!! That’s so messed up. I don’t even know if I could keep my friendship if my best friend was doing this. I might drop her altogether. In which case I’d just tell him directly what was happening.
Post # 8
This is what I am leaning towards, but I know for sure he doesn’t know because he’s texting me to ask what’s going on with her…. awkward. I just respond as vaguely as possible.
She also sends me screenshots of their convos over text (he’s been staying at his parents because she asked for space). He walked into the local hangout spot, and saw her with the dude she’s cheating with and said “That’s fucked up B” and walked out – but she DENIED DENIED DENIED over text messages to him that she sent me screenshots of. I really don’t want to be this involved in BOTH sides of their relationship, but I’ve known them both for well over a decade…
So, he suspects what she’s doing, but she has denied and he has taken her word for it.
Post # 9
The one choice I know I would make immediately is to not participate in the wedding in anyway, and as painful as it may be, I would step away from my friendship, at least for the time being.
Post # 10
If you tell the husband, your friend will probably consider this friendship over. Are you prepared for that?
I would sit down your friend and tell her what she’s doing is awful and you resent that she has made you an unwilling accomplice. Tell her you don’t want to know anymore what she’s doing, and if her fiance asks you point blank what’s going on, you are not going to lie to his face.
ETA: I’d say something like, Buffy, you’ve put me in an absolutely awful position and I don’t think this is something friends do. In order to be loyal to you, I have to either evade or outright lie to someone I care about and that’s not fair.
If Biff asks me again what’s going on with you, I won’t tell him about the other man, but I will tell him he needs to talk to you and I won’t cover for you. If he asks me if you’re seeing this man, all I am willing to say is he needs to talk to you. I won’t say that you’re not, and I won’t say I don’t know. My refusal to answer will likely give you away, but I don’t think it was fair what you expected of me.
Post # 11
- Wedding: May 2019 - City, State
Honestly, I would tell him and drop the friend. I could never stay friends with someone like that, and I would always feel guilty that I let that continue on.
It’s gonna blow up in both of their faces eventually, it’s better for everyone if it happens before the wedding.
Post # 12
because in that situation I would want to know, yes I would tell, but probably anonymously. I’d also step down, even if they go through with it. I would never stand in support of a marriage where one partner behaved like that. She would not have my friendship any longer unless she had a ‘come to jesus’ With herself about that behavior.
Post # 13
Here’s a complicating factor: they both decided they would discuss calling off the wedding around the first of the year. So they’re both unsure. SHE feels like she gets to be the one to decide if they call off the wedding, but I think she’s forgone that right when she started cheating. I keep asking her why she doesn’t at least postpone or call off the wedding now, and it’s mostly because she’s trying to find an apartment. I would never want to see her thrown out on the street.
I think I will take the advice of Tatum :
and let her know that if he asks me again I won’t say yes or no, and just keep encouraging them to communicate with one another.
Post # 14
God, how horrible! I knew of an affair before and it’s awful knowledge to bear. In this case, I would encourage my friend to decide right away as you can’t stand beside her on their day with the lie. It would be one thing in a way if they were already married. In that sense I can see being a bit more distant, but they aren’t married yet. It seems really awful that he could blindly enter this unfaithful marriage. I think you should push your friend to tell, and then maybe tip him off anonymously if she refuses and you don’t feel comfortable telling him yourself.
Post # 15
I would absolutely, 10000%, stay the heck out of it. Not your circus, not your monkeys. BUT as a PP said-I would definitely step down as Maid/Matron of Honor. And I would be honest with my best friend about why.