Would you tell?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Would you tell him?

    Yes he deserves to know

    Yes but tell him anonymously

    No it's not your business

    Other

  • Post # 16
    Member
    2403 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    View original reply
    WannaBeeAnonaBee :  I doubt it’s about an apartment. Even if he found out she was cheating, he likely can’t just legally kick her out of her own home, even if he owns it alone. In most cases, you have to go through a formal eviction process regardless of who’s name is on the lease or deed.

    My best guess is (realizing all I know of this woman is few paragraphs worth of info) is she’s not happy with her fiance but doesn’t want to be alone. She probably wants to make her current relationship last long enough that she can properly audition his replacement before she makes the leap. If the new guy turns out to be a dud, she still has her actual relationship to fall back on. Very selfish behavior.

    Post # 17
    Member
    499 posts
    Helper bee

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    WannaBeeAnonaBee :  I would 100000000000000000000% tell the Fiance anonymously or not, as awkward as it would be. I think there is a special place in hell for people who know this kind of information and don’t share because they “don’t want to get involved.” Like…how could someone look me in the face and tell me they are my friend and that they care about me…but are down to potentially let me catch an STD from my partner because they don’t want to be uncomfortable??

    Post # 19
    Member
    6961 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2016

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    WannaBeeAnonaBee :  My best friend was cheating on her husband for close to 2 years (I only knew for the last year or so) and it was horrible. I felt awful because I loved my friend so much but she was putting me in a terrible position as I also had been friends with her huband for a long long time (we all went to college together). It’s hard being friends with someone when you don’t respect their choices/decisions. Yes obviously I hate cheating and would never seek out a friendship with someone like this, but at this point we had already been best friends for well over a decade and I couldn’t simply reduce her to being “just a cheater.” She was my friend and was always there for me so I did my best to be there for her as well in whatever way I could. Thankfully though her husband never texted me asking me what was going on, because I made it very clear to her that I would not lie. I was honest with her. I told her I thought what she was doing was wrong. I told her I thought she should get a divorce if she was so unhappy. But it was her life and I could only share my honest feelings with her. I couldn’t force her to do anything. Full disclosure: her husband caught her (red handed!) and immediately afterwards it came out that he had cheated too. They started therapy and for a long time were planning on divorce. They were miserable. However, in the last 2 years things have apparently really turned around. They have a daughter together now and both claim to be happier than ever. 

    Anyway….

    In this specific situation I would step down from being the Maid/Matron of Honor. You can tell her that you love her, but there is no possible way you can be a part of this wedding. I don’t know how close you two really are or how honest you are with one another but I’d tell her point blank that she CANNOT go through with this wedding and it’s kind of ridiculous that she’s even entertaining that thought. She’s being selfish and she needs to come clean. 

    Post # 21
    Member
    463 posts
    Helper bee

    Been there done that. Only she was sleeping with several random men. I told the guy in person when he started getting wind of some of it and she was blaming me (it was just a kiss and she made me do it… ???) . It was tough. I lost a friend before I even told him, he lost a cheating fiancee. But he is forever grateful and married someone else. 

     

    Post # 22
    Member
    1246 posts
    Bumble bee

    I could never in good conscience NOT tell someone that they’re being cheated on if I knew about it. I’d create an anonymous email and let him know personally. I wouldn’t be able to sleep otherwise. I find the whole “stay out of it, it’s not your business” argument to be such a cop out personally. It’s like the by-stander effect you learn about in school when discussing bullying. I’m sorry you’re in this position- it’s terrible! 

    Post # 23
    Member
    1460 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

    I would tell HER to cut the shit and confess to her own fiance.  A conversation needs to be had, but I don’t think you should go over her head.

    Post # 24
    Member
    235 posts
    Helper bee

    Don’t get involved because it can back fire on you (they breakup and then make up and blame you for ruining what they had yada yada yada people are crazy).   Her fiance already has some intuition as to whats going on, has seen them together already, he just wants it spelled out for him because he’s in denial…well anyway it’s just a matter of time, he will figure it out, pressure her to tell him or put two and two together.  Also, It sounds like they both realize they are not in a stable solid loving relationship if they have to set a date to discuss if they are going to call off the wedding or not!  That alone gives you the answer that this wedding should not go forward. 

    Post # 25
    Member
    730 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

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    WannaBeeAnonaBee :  Bee, I can tell you from experience having been cheating on my a partner I completely trusted and had no idea what was happening behind my back. TELL HIM.

    I had been with my partner for over 5 years and I did not know at the time, thinking everythign was fine and great. I was ready for him to popose, I was super happy, i thought we were a perfect couple. Until it came out that he had been cheating on me for at least 3 of those years. With multiple women. Multiple times, regularly. Naming girls eh was sleepign with as boys in his phone so I would not be suspicious. Basically everything awful you can imagine happened.

    but the WORST, absolute WORST part of it, was that I foudn otu he had been bringing these women to parties and events with people that I thought were mutual friends. All these people had known he was cheating, had met multiple women he was cheatign with and would still look at me with e straight face for years afterwards. It was horrifically painful to realize that all these poeple I thought cared for me as a friend, were lying assholes too.

    By not saying anything, you are effectively condoning what the person is doing. I totally get your loyalty it your your bff. But we live in a culture where people do not bat an eyelash at infedelity. Which I think is just horrible. The pain and hurt that cheating does to a person is so awful I do not understand why people think it is acceptable to just stay silent.

    My best advice would be to absoutely tell him. I would try to find a way to do it anonymously, but in a way he will believe and not brush off as a joke or hoax or random person causing crap.

    I dont think it is fair to let someone go through with a marriage when that marriage likely would not happen if they knew the truth. It sucks for your friend, but she made her bed, now she has to sleep in it.

    Post # 26
    Member
    3314 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2021

    I can’t believe how many PPs are advocating for you to stay out of it to avoid damaging your friendship.

    Fuck that. I don’t need friends in my life who treat people the way your friend is treating her fiance. If that’s the kind of person you want to surround yourself with, that’s your prerogative, but I sure as fuck wouldn’t have any interest in it.

    I’m a firm believer in doing the right thing, even when it sucks, and the right thing is being honest with this dude. He suspects something is going on, he is in very clear distress, and he is potentially going to make a lifelong commitment to someone who will not commit fully to him. That’s not something I’d be OK with just watching happen from the sidelines. 

    Sorry, but if you continue to lie and dodge questions on your friend’s behalf, you’re every bit as much of an asshole as she is. 

    Post # 27
    Member
    1246 posts
    Bumble bee

    View original reply
    latebloomerbee78 :  Um what??? If this “backfires” all that will happen is she will realize they’re insane and terrible friends to be blaming her. It’ll only reveal their true colors and at that point I highly doubt OP would want to be friends with them. 

    Post # 28
    Member
    731 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    Honestly it seems like if he walked into the bar and saw her with another guy he’s already got an idea for what is going on, he just needs someone to help him come to terms with it and tell him he’s not crazy for being suspicious. Additionally, they’ve both been questioning the engagement, and this poor guy deserves to be saved from his impending doom. If she has this little respect for him now, imagine how she’ll be when they’re married – and imagine how she is as a friend? Can you really trust her yourself after she’s shown to have so little regard for other people’s feelings? 

    Do you seriously want a lying, cheating manipulator as a friend? Why? Why do you care what she thinks when she’s obviously being shitty right now? I would sit her down and tell her exactly why I am stepping out of the wedding, tell her that I am going to be taking a step back from our friendship until she figures out how to be a good person again, and that I the next time the guy asks me what the hell is going on I am going to have to tell him the truth because I am not a liar and she’s not making me into one. I wouldn’t seek him out, or try to tell him, but WHEN he asks again (when, not if) he deserves the truth. 

    Post # 29
    Bee
    5287 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Stay out of it, but tell her that she’s being awful and that you can’t in good conscience be in a wedding that you know is a farce.

    It sounds like she wanted a proposal for a long time, that may have been the start of her problems.

    Post # 30
    Member
    317 posts
    Helper bee

    View original reply
    WannaBeeAnonaBee :  Your loyalty should be where the truth is. Your best friend is scum and nobody deserves to be cheated on, go through years of a painful marriage, lose half of their stuff in a divorce and have to pick up the pieces of their shattered life just because someone knew but felt some type of childish, sorority style loyalty to the Jezebel. Where is HER loyalty, btw?

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