Would you tell?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Would you tell him?
    Yes he deserves to know : (35 votes)
    29 %
    Yes but tell him anonymously : (42 votes)
    35 %
    No it's not your business : (38 votes)
    31 %
    Other : (6 votes)
    5 %
  • Post # 31
    Member
    3043 posts
    Sugar bee

    View original reply
    WannaBeeAnonaBee :  That’s such a huge mess so I totally understand why you’re having a hard time making a decision. 

    To be completely honest, if I were you, I couldn’t be friends with someone like that. I don’t like to associate myself with people who don’t have a strong moral compass and this is no exception. I also personally would never be able to stand in support of a union that is lies. I don’t know if it’s necessarily your place to tell the groom, I don’t know how close you are. But I think it’s your place to make your stance on her actions known. 

    Post # 32
    Member
    4275 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I mean,  i know people say “not your circus, not your monkeys”, but the truth is they have BOTH involved you, so it may not be your circus, but they sure as hell bought your front row ticket. 

    I agree with pp who said give her a deadline or you’ll tell. I’d also go one step further and tell her that i don’t want to hear about it anymore.

     

    Post # 33
    Member
    1718 posts
    Bumble bee

    I agree that i couldn’t have a friend in my life that did that kind of thing. In High school? Ok but as an adult? NOPE. If you can handle not having that friend anymore tell her that she has 3 days to tell him or you will. 

    Or 

    Somehow annonymously leave a typed up letter addressed to him at his place of work with the details in it, and pointing to somewhere he could look to find evidence, and or the name of the other dude. Let him figure it out from there. 

    Post # 34
    Member
    268 posts
    Helper bee

    This is a tough one. I have 4 separate instances where I have been in the position of knowing someone was cheating- it sucks everytime. The first 2 situations (we were young- 20 or so) I told the girls and it backfired on me. One of them actually came after me and tried to ruin my own relationship. 

    The other 2 are present-day. One of my best friends of 25+ years cheats on every boyfriend she has. The last boyfriend actually confronted me and asked me point-blank if it was happening and I lied through my teeth and said no. I then told her that if she either needs to break up with him immediately or stop the nonsense and stop putting me in this situation. She broke up with him. Now she is with someone else and I have heard through other friends that she is cheating again— however she has not told me directly so I am living in an ignorance is bliss state. I don’t respect her decisions and it’s hard.

    My boyfriend has a friend who just got engaged and he has been cheating on her for the whole relationship. I believe we will be invited to the wedding and I am totally dreading it. I’ve asked him straight up to his face why he does it (I’ve only met the girl once) and he says “men have needs”. Disgusting. He also told me that he has not cheated since they got engaged so he thinks it’s all dandy.

    I plan to stay out of both of them based on previous situations backfiring.

    Post # 35
    Member
    1784 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

    View original reply
    sboom :  Agreed 100%.

    If you have a friend who is willing to stab the person they care about the most in the back — the person they supposedly want to spend the rest of their life with — what makes you think that they won’t turn around and stab you in the back at some point? People like that only look after themselves in the end. 

    Post # 37
    Member
    1784 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

    View original reply
    WannaBeeAnonaBee :  You’re being loyal to a person who does not know loyalty. sboom isn’t saying you’re an asshole for not telling him immediately. But if you choose to do nothing about this and let him blindly walk into this marriage that will fall apart in the end, that’s an asshole move.

    Post # 39
    Member
    841 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Almost 100% of the time I think it’s best to stay out of other people’s relationships, but under these circumstances I would speak up.  Probably anonymously.  He deserves the chance to back out of this now, before legally entering into a union with a perfidious cheating partner.  It’s much easier  and cleaner (at least logistically) to end an engagement than a marriage and so in this case, I’d get involved if necessary.

    Post # 41
    Member
    1718 posts
    Bumble bee

    View original reply
    WannaBeeAnonaBee :  Keep your screen shots of your conversations with her, hopefully you told her you would tell him via text so you have evidence. Because ive seen it before where the person who is cheating goes to the boyfriend and tells them that someone is trying to frame them for cheating to try to get out ahead of it because they know your going to stay something. So keep evidence of her admitting ot it just if it comes to that. 

    Post # 42
    Member
    1784 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

    View original reply
    WannaBeeAnonaBee :  You’re doing the right thing. Absolutely stick to your plan. You gave her a more than fair warning, so if she doesn’t come clean by the end of the week whatever fallout happens is 100% on her.

    I second @ladyjane123 on the screenshots. Screenshot all the texts pertaining to this event in case he is in denial, or she tries to deny it and tells him you’re lying. But I have a feeling if she cancels the wedding, he won’t have a hard time believing you.

    I’m sorry you’re stuck in the middle of all this. 

    Post # 43
    Member
    2703 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    View original reply
    WannaBeeAnonaBee : 

    EDIT: I just saw your update. You are doing the right thing.

     

    If this were a one-off, got drunk at the bar and made out with someone, one-time deal and the friend felt INCREDIBLY terrible and swore up and down never to do anything remotely close to that again, I wouldn’t tell the guy. But that’s not the case here. She wants to have the 5-tier designer cake and eat every last crumb too. She wants to have both guys plus the super loyal and honest friend that will enable her terrible behavior and lie for her.

    I would pick a date in the next couple of weeks and tell her if she doesn’t tell her fiance by then, you are going to do it. The situation is not fair to anyone involved. Does the guy she’s cheating with know she’s engaged? 

    Post # 44
    Member
    10634 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    After some thought on it, in theory I would tell him.

    But then I thought about what if it was my BFF and her fiancé and now I’m not sure. I think in real life I would lean to stay out of it. 

    Leave a comment


    Find Amazing Vendors