Would you tell or keep quiet?

posted 1 month ago in Beehive
Post # 152
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2020 - City, State

chocco :  I’d still tell her. It’s almost a good thing you guys aren’t close, that way if she wants to shoot the messenger, you weren’t close to begin with. My dad cheated on my mom for three years so I’m biased. My parents are still together too, but he wasn’t going to come clean, she found out. They deserve the chance to make the choice and I think you know that. 

Post # 153
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee

chocco :  If you share what you know with your acquaintance, you should do it in person. It seems cold to do it by email. It will take courage but I hope you can overcome any awkwardness you feel because she should know this information before she marries her fiance. 

Post # 154
Member
6227 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

amanda3334455 :  I think it’s hella honest and forthright that you didn’t commit to remaining faithful to your husband if that wasn’t something that you could honestly follow through on. But I don’t think of that as cheating so much since it it’s being on the up and up and everyone involved knows what they are signing up for. My husband and I aren’t poly but we’ve got loved ones who are and so we have conversations about the possibility that one day, we may decide to adjust our relationship agreements (or not). But that’s still being direct and clear.

It’s interesting that you said you would be the type to shoot the messenger. Did you see that article recently where a wife said that she believes her husband recently stopped cheating on her thirty years into their marriage? She caught him pretty early on and decided to pretend not to see it (because seeing it would have forced her to take an action.)

Post # 155
Member
2306 posts
Buzzing bee

It makes me sad to know that some women’s self-worth is so low that they’re okay with their partner cheating on them, as long as they lie about it 🙁

ETA: I also think that part of adulting is being able to handle harsh truths. You don’t get to be angry with a Good Samaritan, just trying to look out for what they understand would be the ultimate betrayal in most cases for most people in society. You’d have no one but yourself to be angry with if someone told you that you were being cheated on. You then have to look yourself in the mirror and say:

“I’m okay being being lied to. I’m okay with being made a fool of. His pleasure is worth my dignity”. 

 

But the cognitive dissonance from having to do so would likely shake you up to the point of insanity. So the poor woman who simply wanted to do what she believed was honest and right gets to be the scapegoat. Let’s call it what it is, ladies.

Post # 157
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2020 - City, State

You’re right, it will never be easy. It’s honestly going to suck really badly, but I would sleep better knowing I wasn’t enabling someone to get away with their very open cheating. 

 

I’m sorry you’re in this situation at all, but I think you’re doing the right thing. 

Post # 160
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2020 - City, State

chocco :  UGH that sucks. I understand that mistakes can be made by anyone- but what makes it more yucky to me when people don’t own up to their mistakes because they don’t want to deal with the consequences of their own actions.

Post # 161
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee

Twizbe :  No need to be rude to me. I’m very secure in who I am and my relationship. 

I was not being rude. It was an observation based on your post, and it looks like what I wrote touched a raw nerve. 

Post # 162
Member
3527 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

chocco :  I’m glad to hear you will be telling them. 

You’re a good person and a good friend, even to the one who is merely an acquaintance. 

What goes around comes around. You’re showing yourself to be a kind, honest and decent person. That bodes well for you in general. 

Post # 163
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

chocco :  Encouraging him to tell her, and telling him that you are going to tell her are two completely different things! He should text them and let them know that you are telling. That at least gives them a chance to bring it up themselves.

Post # 164
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Op let us know what happens. I think In this case you tell the women and not give the men any extra chances to fess up. Why? Because at least 1 guy is adamant in his decision to not tell her. I think it’s important to let the woman know that extra detail. Let her know that not only did he cheat on her, but when encouraged to do the right thing and tell her he refused twice. 

As far as blowback from telling goes I would stand strong. Anyone says anything that at all places any blame on you for telling these woman should be stood up to and hard. “Absolutely not, we aren’t going to play that game where we try and shift the blame to me or fiancé for telling the women. The blame is on the guy for cheating. Do not attempt to put that bullshit on me again it isn’t ok or appropriate” 

that would be my hill to die on, I hate it when people try to redirect blame. And if anyone tried to make a comment about boys club shit and how your fiancé should have kept his friends secret I would be even more pissed about that. “Real friends encourage each other to be better, not cover up their bad behavior. Friends that respect each other don’t ask each other to help them lie and cheat and cover it up.” 

Post # 165
Member
320 posts
Helper bee

mrsssb :  This. The boys club excuse should only be used for boys, not for grown men.

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