Would you tell or keep quiet?

posted 2 months ago in Beehive
Post # 31
Member
277 posts
Helper bee

I would tell them and I wouldn’t even do it anonymously, because I wouldn’t care how my friendship with such guys was affected.

Post # 32
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

People on this website constantly talk about how cheaters should come clean and tell their partners that they’ve cheated. After all, the partner deserves to make the decision to continue the relationship or not based on this knowledge.

 Yet in THESE posts, people run to the overused “not your circus, not your monkeys” mantra. I mean, the women still deserve to know about this before they make a decision to marry; that doesn’t change, I’m assuming? So if their cheating partners aren’t going to do it, does that mean the girls’ right to know about this falls by the wayside? Doesn’t it mean someone ELSE should carry out the deed that would allow the girls their right to know? 

I’m pretty firmly of the mind that living creatures have moral rights to certain things, and if Person A won’t help to keep these rights intact, then Person B needs to step up to the plate. So, yes, OP, tell them. Do it with an anonymous letter in their mailbox if you need to; it shouldn’t be that difficult to figure out a way. 

Post # 33
Member
813 posts
Busy bee

chocco :  I would tell them. If they’re your friends, you need to tell them.

Post # 34
Member
9787 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I would tell the cheaters that if they don’t tell their SOs, I will. If it’s not my business then they shouldn’t have done their cheating so out in the open that I know about it. Expecting me to keep their secret is making it my business and I just won’t be a part of their lie.

Me being nice, is giving them a chance to be the one who tells their SO so maybe they could save the relationship (for me, I’m not willing to work through cheating if I found out from someone else, but might if my husband was honest with me and came clean himself). 

Post # 35
Member
2286 posts
Buzzing bee

beetobe27 :  it isn’t how her personal friendships would be affected though. they’d hold it against her fiancé for telling something they may have discussed in confidence. burning that bridge is not a decision she should make for him, as that would probably lead to problems in her own relationship.

Post # 36
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

happiekrappie :  I agree she shouldn’t make it for him, as such; they probably need to agree upon it and do it together (whatever that would look like). But OP also mentioned that he’s on her team about telling the girls. 

Post # 37
Member
1216 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2021 - City, State

I’m team tell, I did so when my friend cheated on his wife (who I was also friends with) when he was out at my party. He cheated with another friend of mine. I told his wife the next day. He’d cheated multiple times. She said she wasn’t throwing away her marriage for a kiss. Her life 

Post # 38
Member
299 posts
Helper bee

You should tell them. The one you are friends with and the one you know but not very well. They have every right to know and like you said, in their situation, you would want to be told.

Post # 39
Member
8555 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I have been in this invidious position, in fact l was good friends with both the cheater and cheated upon. In some ways it made what  l did easier because l was close enough to him for the awkward conversation to happen. 

So, l told him l knew and said l felt in an intolerable position, and that l would most certainly tell her if he did not confess . I gave him several days grace for this, l was upset and embarrassed but it worked, in that he did confess, they patched it up, ( though eventually divorced l have to say). 

My h was of the ‘stay out of it ‘ persuasion, but he always is. God knows l didn’t want to be involved, but l felt l had to do what l did on the basis that l’d want to know. Plus if others knew and l didn’t, l’d be mortified . 

 

 

chocco :  

Post # 40
Member
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I think you and your SO need to cut these guys out of your lives anyways. These are not men I would want to be friends with or around, they aren’t men I would want my husband associating with, or going out with. They make horrible decisions and I fully believe that who you surround yourself with is a reflection on you. I wouldn’t want any chance whatsoever that my relationship could be associated with these men and their choices. I’d want complete separation.

i hope your SO also feels that way and doesn’t want to continue being friends with these men. If you do agree I think that it makes it easier to tell the woman they were cheated on because for you there are no consequences, no falling out etc. you will have already decided to move on from these people. 

Either way I’d tell these woman. For all parties involved it is the right thing to do. These women deserve to marry men who wouldn’t cheat on them and who really value them. These men who cheated deserve to learn a lesson from this so hopefully they can grow as people and be motivated to be better, to examine why they cheated. If these men never face consequences for cheating they will likely repeat it, and never understand how truly horrible it was. And it is highly likely that if these women were the right fit for them they wouldn’t have cheated in the first place. In my opinion there is no downside for telling these women. And I for sure would change my rsvp to this wedding to a no. I wouldn’t participate in that. And I second the other comments saying that it is horrible to be in a position to have to keep these lies from the wives. You shouldn’t ever put people you care about in a position to compromise their morals for you and lie. If these men care about your SO, they wouldn’t want him to compromise himself to lie for them. 

Post # 41
Member
299 posts
Helper bee

mrsssb :   <And it is highly likely that if these women were the right fit for them they wouldn’t have cheated in the first place.>

Huh?

I wouldn’t make such a major conclusion based on such limited information.

 

Post # 42
Member
2712 posts
Sugar bee

If I received an anonymous letter telling me my husband cheated I’d disregard it. If you are going to tell her be woman enough to let her know who you are.

Post # 43
Member
384 posts
Helper bee

I don’t believe in staying out of something when a person’s health is at risk. The girlfriend has the right to know. Save-The-Date Cards are more common than people think and drunk people are usually bad at being safe.

Post # 45
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee

I’d like to suggest that your fiance should do as others here have suggested: to tell his friend to come clean with his fiancee or else he’ll tell her. But I find myself wondering, if the dude’s such a poohead that he’d cheat in the first place then how do you know he’ll tell his fiancee the whole truth if forced? Ie not just say he kissed someone while away. 

So I’m going to say you and your fiance should tell her. I don’t know that you can trust him to tell the truth about it.

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