Would you tell people about money you got for the wedding?

posted 1 month ago in Etiquette
Post # 16
Member
1321 posts
Bumble bee

Why does she need to know? I think it’s very tacky and rude that she is asking for a breakdown.  That is information that only you and your husband should be privy to and you don’t have to feel obligated to tell her anything.  It’s none of her business – sounds like she is being overly nosy.

Post # 17
Member
7110 posts
Busy Beekeeper

My Mother-In-Law asked how much certain people gave us, and I had friends say their moms did the same thing. So while definitely rude, it’s apparently not uncommon. We just said it was private and none of her business and she dropped it. I wouldn’t have given a list of physical gifts either. The only time I really identify a gift is if someone comments on it when they see it in my home. For example we were given a lovely oil painting of the church we were married in so when people compliment the painting I’ll say “that’s actually the church we were married in! So and so had it commission as a wedding gift and we love it”. 

Post # 18
Member
11469 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

In the privacy of immediate family relationships, reality is some people do share this info. People mostly want to have some idea when it comes time for reciprocation. The “closeness of relationship and budget” guideline is the correct etiquette, of course, but it is also a bit vague and arbitrary at a certain point. People don’t want to offend or make others uncomfortable in either direction. I can’t totally blame them for something that feels like a Catch 22. Ask and be tacky. Don’t ask and risk offending.

So I’m not ethically against sharing in some limited cases, ie close friends or family of similar socioeconomic background, who have a wedding of their own child coming up, for example, but would never give info related to your own friends or in laws.

Post # 19
Member
1123 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

fourthnoel :  Yeah, that’s a really inappropriate thing to ask. And there’s no purpose to her knowing that, either. I could see if she was helping you with thank-you cards, but even then you wouldn’t need to know dollar amounts, that’s really micromanagey. Ew. I don’t even understand why you provided her a list in the first place. 

Agree with PPs who suggest you tell her you didn’t keep track or something like that. You could even go so far as to ask her what the purpose of having that information is? I’d hope that when she hears the answer coming out of her own mouth, that she would realize how inappropriate that is.

Post # 21
Member
182 posts
Blushing bee

fourthnoel :  My mother didn’t want to know what absolutely everyone got us, but she did ask what certain people who sent us a gift or cash gave, so that she could gift their children in a likewise fashion when the time comes.  She didn’t ask in an invasive way though and her intentions were to make sure she feels she gives enough when someone else’s children get engaged/married.

I guess it depends on what your MIL’s intentions are and also how it makes you feel.  If you feel like it’s too personal and she is overstepping then you definitely should react however makes you feel right about the situation. 

Post # 22
Member
1123 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

fourthnoel :  I’m just really curious what her reasoning is at this point. 

Post # 23
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I gave my mom a breakdown of two specific guests cash gifts. However…. they were family members who happened to also have kids getting married the same year, and my mom wanted to make sure she at least matched their gifts (because she knew they’d be overly generous), and was worried about that. 

If she had asked for a literal list of gifts from everyone, that’d be a hard no.

 

Post # 24
Member
434 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

fourthnoel :  My family asked me what certain people on their side of the family gave so that they can give the same amount for future events. For example my parents wanted to know what aunts and uncles gave so that when my cousins get married my parents can give the same amount. We’ve done this for all life events, we also keep it written down so if Grandparents can ask in the future what they gave and give the same to their other grandchildren. 

So absolutely DO NOT tell her the total you got, or what people that are not on her side of the family gave but if she has a reason to want to know about what someone like an aunt/uncle gave so she can give the same for their kids, then I’d tell her that. 

Post # 25
Member
1692 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Yeah, we gave my mom a list of the cash gifts from our side of the family and his mom a list from his side. It’s all because we both have a lot of cousins/friends kids getting married this year and they wanted to make sure they gave enough in return. We didn’t include our friends on there, but TBH, it was easier to give each a list – since we already made a spreadsheet of my side and his side for thank you cards- rather than have them call us up before every wedding and ask “Is $XXX enough?” I didn’t think it was a big deal. Does you husband have cousins or family friends getting married this year or the near future? If so, that may be why she wants it. 

Post # 27
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

LilliV :  That sounds like a truly thoughtful and beautiful wedding gift.

Post # 28
Member
454 posts
Helper bee

No, i definetely wouldnt give this info out! Its none of her business shes just being nosy…Why does she need to know the breakdown of the gifts anyways?

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