(Closed) Would you tell someone you were worried about their SO/relationship?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would you gently confront him?
    Yes, voice concern and suggest therapy : (20 votes)
    44 %
    No, he's an adult and can make his own decisions : (7 votes)
    16 %
    Yes, but don't give any advice : (18 votes)
    40 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    3969 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @MrsEdamame:  I think if you feel comfortable with him and are close enough to him, you can have a mature discussion, and just say, it’s your call, this is what I see, and as a basially-sister, I am looking out for you. I would want my sister, my mother, my best friend, to voice concerns in an honest way, but to respect my choice in the end, even if in the end it’s “I told you so,” or they were completely off-base. But I trust those closest to me and their opinions, and while I might not listen and take all advice, I definitely love knowing they have my back. Just be willing to let it alone and make it clear you’re not telling him what to do. 

    ETA: If you can’t take him out to lunch by yourselves, that concerns me. I mean, does she follow him everywhere? You’re his sister-in-law, not such random girl taking him out on a date! Haha!

     

    I realize a lot of people are going to say, “stay out of it, it’s none of your business.” But I know if you were one of my best friends, I’d want to hear what you had to say as long as you could respect my choices afterward. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    6015 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: March 2012

    First of all .. I love that you care so much about him, that BIL means so much to you.

    That said, is this his first G/F?  I just wonder if he wasn’t so young and not worldly enough to see how  she is.

    Third of all… Yes step in now.  Please.  We are trying to get my cousin out of a simliar relationship, and she’s 20years in the marriage with2 kids, and she keeps taking him back, because he’s ruined her self-esteem and “there will never be anyone that loves me because I’m a loser”  that’s what’s he’s told her.  I so wish we stepped in 20years ago and squashed this turd like a bug.  This chick sounds like my cousins …. husband…. maybe an intervention?   You all just sit down and tell him…. he does sound aware that things are not right, and he sounds scared to be alone…

     

     

    Post # 6
    Member
    3771 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo

    I do think you should talk to him and let him know the concerns you have, your family have, and his friends have.  But be prepared for him to dismiss them; people are often blind to what’s in front of their face because they don’t see or understand it from an outside perspective.

    Post # 7
    Member
    3969 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @MrsEdamame:  That’s your biggest issue then. Then I would tell him that on the phone when he says you can’t meet for lunch. That you want to meet up, and would like to discuss something personal, and only feel comfortable talking to him. If she prevents him from going or he defends her, THEN you make this a phone conversation. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    6745 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2014

    You should say something, but don’t suggest counseling.  You should voice your concerns for why you think she’s not good for him and why you think he can do better.  Personally, I would probably ask your Darling Husband and your SIL and her Darling Husband to lunch and you can all discuss it together.

    Be careful – you don’t want him to feel like you’re ganging up on him.  And, he probably won’t listen to you since as a PP said, he’s probably blinded by love.

    But, give him specific examples of her behavior that is unacceptable and hopefully it will make him open his eyes to things in the relationship that are bad and that he needs to change.

    Remind him that just because he’s proposed, doesn’t mean it’s too late.  It’s never too late. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    3248 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    Yikes, you are very right to be concerned. She is controlling and emotionally abusive. How awful. Plus she is a drama queen.

    I think it would be a very good idea for you and your SO to have a talk with him as a concerned “sister” and brother. No one should be treated this way– the belittling his job when he felt bad about himself already particularly stands out to me. She will never respect him, no matter what he does, from the sound of it.

    The only problem is, how do you get him alone, without her constantly attacking him over the phone? Could you schedule a time to see him during his working hours, and he could turn his phone off and, if she later demanded to know why it was off, he could tell her he had an important meeting? (Not a lie, it would be an important meeting, just not exactly of the work variety.)

    That’s all I can think of. . . best of luck.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1524 posts
    Bumble bee

    Definitely try to talk to him in a very non-confrontational way. Just a “I really care about you and I’m worried because it seems like she won’t let you spend time with family. If you’re happy and want to be with her, I’ll fully support you, but if you need help or to talk or anything I am also here for you.” I think the more difficult think will be getting him alone…obviously she is super insecure and controlling and appears to be checking all of his social media accounts.

    Post # 13
    Member
    6745 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2014

    @MrsEdamame:  Also, remember to keep this about him and the things she does to him, not about you as much – don’t bring up the deleting from facebook except as a small sidepoint (I just think she enjoys the drama, otherwise why would she delete her future inlaws from facebook every time she gets upset at something, especially when she deleted us in relation to an argument we weren’t a part of?).  It’s all about how you phrase things and where the focus is.  Write down what you want to say and how you want to say it and practice it beforehand.  This could easily go very wrong very fast if you say something that triggers him to get defensive over her. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    12954 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I would talk to him alone and voice your concerns, but be supportive of his decisions.  Let him know that ultimately, you’re in his corner for whatever he decides.  There’s nothing worse than being told someone disapproves of your relationship, then feeling like they’ll abandon you.  One of my best friends is in a relationship I’m not entirely onboard with.  The guy isn’t always nice to her and takes advantage of her.  I’ve addressed my concerns, told her what I thought (using phrasess like “I don’t like how he treats you…” versus “he’s a d-bag”), and after that, I told her that I said my piece, and ultimately, I would make him important to me if she stayed with him because she’s important to me, and I’d try to deal with him and keep an open mind.  It was a tense period, but we got through it.  So I think you need to carefully word it and make sure that he knows you aren’t judging, aren’t abandoning, aren’t giving an ultimatum, etc… just that you’re concerned about him.  Good luck!

    Post # 15
    Member
    1855 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    Normally I’d say to just leave it alone, if this was just a post about how you weren’t her biggest fan. But in all seriousness, she sounds bat shit crazy. I would one hundred percent talk to your BIL about it, with your husband there to provide extra support.

    Raise your concern about the things she has done in the past, and ask if he’s genuinely happy, etc. Then see how it goes. If he wants nothing to do with the conversation, at least you know that you’ll have tried.
     

    Post # 16
    Member
    2419 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    I would address your BIL, with the help of your Darling Husband, SIL and her husband. Show that you are concerned about HIM and not just hating on HER. But, sometimes people in love have blinders on and they just don’t see what everyone else does.

    The topic ‘Would you tell someone you were worried about their SO/relationship?’ is closed to new replies.

    Find Amazing Vendors