(Closed) Would you tell your BF if ….

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
9682 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@SamanthaLovesJames:  I wouldn’t say anything. Someone’s choice of life partner is personal and all you risk doing is isolating yourself. If it comes down to it and she has to pick between you and her husband, you are not going to win. Everyone has different things they are willing to tolerate and you are only hearing one side of the story. Unless she specially asks for your advice, I’d keep it to yourself. No one likes unsolicited advice and there is no way that something like that will be received well.

Post # 4
3369 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@SamanthaLovesJames:  I kind of went through this same thing. My best friend’s now husband seemed like a total jerk. He actually had cheated on her, seemed like a jerk, etc. Once they moved out of the states and got stationed in Germany he totally changed. I did, however, tell her how I felt about him. She definitely knew I didn’t like him, but now I adore him. He’s a great guy that has really made her happy. 

Back to your question, unless he is abusive, I would keep quiet. I know it’s hard, as an adult, to see your best friend make a choice that you feel may be wrong. However, she’s an adult as well and has to make her own life choices. Be happy for her, and be the shoulder to cry on when she needs it. That’s all that you can do! ((hugs)) 

Post # 5
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@SamanthaLovesJames:  Yes I would and I have.  They stayed engaged for almost 2 years, but never got married. She also was never really happily engaged though – she never even told her parents!

FWIW, the way I approached it was much easier than your situation. I met her for dinner just moments after they got engaged and she didn’t seem happy or excited. So, a few weeks later I asked her if she was sure that’s what she wanted since she didn’t seem happy. She assured me it was she was just not expecting it. Deep down I knew that wasn’t the case but I left it at that.  She didn’t do any planning or wedding talk so it was much easier to deal with. I kind of always knew at some point it was going to end. 

Post # 6
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@SamanthaLovesJames:  If she’s engaged to him and over the moon, it’s unlikely she will listen and take your advice.  It’s more likely that she will be upset with you and possibly reduce or cut off contact with you as a result of you telling her you don’t him.

The better route is to be supportive of her (not the relationship) and make sure to ask her if she really wants to marry him when she brings up his lying and cheating aspects.  Sometimes you just have to sit back and watch the people you love make mistakes and be there for them when they need you later on when their mistake blows up in their face.

Post # 7
16213 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I wouldn’t. If she’s happy, she probably won’t hear it and may resent you for it. My best advice is to just continue to be there for her, no matter what happens with her relationship.

Post # 8
9575 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

People will do what they want to do regardless of others’ advice.  I’d just keep it to myself.  Even if you told her, she won’t listen to you or break up with him.  People have to figure things out for themselves.

Post # 9
5273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

NEVER EVER say anything. Personally, I have ruined friendships by being honest and been burned, so I keep things to myself. Even when a friend asks I will be honest, but only to a point. 

This is who she chose as her Fiance, you either have to keep your thoughts to yourself and be happy for her, or risk loosing the friendship b/c she will choose him over you, its just the way it is. :/ 

Post # 10
1532 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@SamanthaLovesJames:  Its never good to tell a friend that you dont like the guy shes going to marry.  Unless she comes to you and asks you what you would do. But remember you don’t know what their whole relationship is like.  She might cut you off as a friend if she knows you dont support her.  Eventually, if the guy is wrong for her, she will figure it out.

When it comes others love lives, its best to keep your opinion to yourself as much as possible.  

Post # 11
7651 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@SamanthaLovesJames:  I wouldn’t unless she asks. My friend recently married someone that I don’t care for because of extremely rude things he does, but I never once told her unless she asked specific questions. I just figure it isn’t my place to tell her. Plus, I knew she’d marry him anyway.

Post # 12
4702 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I wouldn’t unless she outright asks you!

Post # 13
1312 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with PPs about keeping your comments to yourself, as hard as it may be, for all of the reasons mentioned.  Also, you need to keep in mind that the more you express that you’re against the relationship, the higher the risk of driving her further into her relationship – this kind of communication often creates/amplifies Romeo-and-Juliet kinds of feelings – “Nobody understands our love! I’m holding on for dear life!”

Post # 14
850 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@SamanthaLovesJames:  I wouldn’t, unless I was asked directly. However, if she complains to me about her partner and his behavior, I would try to explore her feelings more. I’d ask her open-ended questions like “How do you feel when he does xxx?” If she is continually bringing up negative stuff and talking about feeling down due to the relationship, I’d say something like “You tell me x, y, z about your partner, you’ve told me how it upsets you and it seems like he’s doing those things a lot. Do you ever worry this relationship isn’t right?”

I have used this strategy before to help a friend see how unhappy he was in his relationship. It took YEARS but he thanked me later for being a patient listener and for not sharing my judgment about his girlfriend before he was ready to hear it. 

Post # 15
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I wouldn’t IF she already knows about the cheating, etc.  She may just get defensive and angry if you tell her and chances are, it’s not going to make her change her mind.

Post # 16
3468 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I wouldn’t say anything. I’ve been down this road and it only leads to trouble. Let her find out on her own.

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