Would you tell your partner if you cheated??

posted 2 months ago in Beehive
  • poll: Would you tell your partner?
    Yes, they deserve to know. : (44 votes)
    70 %
    No, I would let the guilt be my punishment and never say a word. : (18 votes)
    29 %
    I would end the marriage but never tell them what happened. : (1 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    321 posts
    Helper bee

    I voted “No”, but I also feel like the chances of me ever cheating are at about 0%. 

    1. I dont really drink, and I have never gotten drunk

    2. My husband and I dated for 6 years before having sex (we waitied for marriage), so its not like I would just feel right/comfortable having sex with a strange

    With that said, if I did cheat, I would never tell my husband. I just couldnt bring myself to do it.

    Post # 3
    Member
    790 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2018 - UK

    Honestly, I think I’d have to tell him whether I wanted to or not. The guilt would absolutely eat me up every time I looked at him, there’s no way I’d be able to keep it in.

    I’m not actually a bad liar, I just can’t lie to him.

    Post # 5
    Member
    5778 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: July 2018

    Wow way to take the high road for the people opting to take guilt as their punishment. No, guilt would not be your punishment, guilt would be saving you. Otherwise you would have to actually deal with the consequences and the fall out from your SO deciding if they want to be with a cheater.

    It is actually laughable that people think taking the “guilt” would be the best thing, like they are martyring themselves. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    1298 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    Darling Husband and I have talked about this in the past and both agreed that we wouldn’t want to be told (as the person cheated on, not the cheater).

    Now the rationale is:

    – There’s no emotional attachment at all in the cheating incident and no repeat contact

    – There’s no desire to cheat again and the result of the incident is that you are more committed to your relationship and being a good partner

    – You can pinpoint *why* it happened and address those drivers (e.g. alcohol, loneliness – e.g. long term long-distance, etc); If the answer is “unsatisfied in the marriage” then proactive steps have to be taken to address that unsatisfaction. I.e. the cheating can be a wake up call, but your focus needs to then be on fixing the marriage or ending it. 

     

    Ultimately, if the incident results in the marriage becoming stronger afterwards then we don’t see any reason to inflict pain on the ‘innocent’ partner. 

    We are only human, and the incident you describe would in our minds be the catalyst or wake up call that the marriage needs attenting and investment.

     

    Now, throw in emotions, repeat sexual encounters, continued contact, ignoring underlying issues in the marriage that sparked the cheating — all of those are a whole different story and yes I would want to know and yes the marriage would likely (almost certaintly) be over. THOSE are the breaches of trust that I care most about, a one-off human error that brings about a positive result…let me stay in the dark for my own sake.

    Post # 7
    Member
    232 posts
    Helper bee

    I find this to be a very unlikely scenario.  I think there is almost always something else at play when something like this happens and that is what needs to be addressed (whether it is personal issues or issues in the marriage) in order for it not to happen on some other business trip.  But for the sake of this hypothetical situation, I vote option 2 or 3 (due to the guilt).  I think the act of telling in this situation is a way to alleviate one’s own guilt, which may or may not work, but it would definitely cause a lot of unnecessary pain (assuming it was in fact a one-off that would never happen again).  And if it was my partner who was on that business trip and that happened while I was home and none the wiser, I don’t think I’d want to know (again, assuming it was in fact a one-off that would never happen again).

    Post # 8
    Member
    3492 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

    I would tell because I love Dh, and I treat him the way I’d want him to treat me. If you truly love and respect someone, then you come clean when you do wrong by them. Not telling just shows that you’re not capable of putting your partner before yourself at a time when it’s most critical that you do so. Cheating and not telling means you’ve failed twice at being a good partner. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    7457 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I kissed someone else while drunk when I was 19. No, I’m not blaming the alcohol. Yes, I know it was awful.

    I told him. I thought he should get to decide if he wanted to continue the relationship while having all cards on the table. We dated for two years after that but the key was that he really truly forgave me which I’m sure doesn’t happen in many situations.

    Keeping a secret like that would have affected me in my every day life and in turn, would have affected our relationship. It didn’t feel right to keep something so big from the person that I was closest too. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    7457 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    TravelingBride31 :  I like that you guys have discussed this and made a decision. I see a lot of good reasons here for not telling so I think when you both agree with that, it’s the way to go. It’s definitely a topic I’ll be discussing with my husband.

    Post # 11
    Member
    4229 posts
    Honey bee

    I have to say that I honestly think the answers you will get here will be different of those from people in real life. Most people here in this website will say “yes”, I will tell my SO and is all about doing the “right “ thing.

    However in real life, I think most will not say anything sadly. I am really starting to realize it’s a different world here at the weddingbees. To some extent, I kinda figured what questions are worth posting/asking to get answers representative of that in the real world VS not (I’m not only talking about cheating but shower & wedding etiquette questions as well to name some).  :  

     

    ETA: I read from a survey (I wish I remember the name of the article and could insert link here) that when a sample of people were asked if they would cheat and know before hand that they can get away with it, something like 60-plus percent for those who participated said they would do it.

    sweetiemermaid :  

    Post # 12
    Member
    1298 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    MrsBeck :  We had the conversation because we were talking about some other type of major breach of trust that had occurred in a friend’s relationship (cannot now remember what it was but it invovled lying) and we realized we had very different opinions on how it should be handled. A bit to an above PP’s comment about treating the other the way we would want to be treated, we realized in discussing our friend’s situation that we actually would want to be treated very differently.

    So we started with the biggest breach of trust – cheating – and talked through how we would want to be treated as the non-cheater in the event of cheating.  At the time it was more of a whim/intellectual exercise, but now I’m actually so glad that we did discuss it. Not because I plan on cheating, but because I started the discussion as “Always tell me no matter what” but by the end was much more thoughtful on what conditions I’d actually want to know under vs not know. It made me think through the grey areas of cheating, why people cheat, how people react to being cheated on, what is paramount for me in a relationship/how I define a healthy relationship, etc.

    Post # 13
    Member
    419 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    well first off I wouldn’t ever cheat on my spouse. I haven’t ever cheated on anyone.

    Honestly on a business trip I wouldn’t get drunk enough to the state of not being in control in the first place… seems highly unprofessional… and so what if someone has attractive features? Good for them…I would think most people can contain themselves like adults when their spouse isn’t present. If they can’t then they shouldn’t be married in the first place.

    Post # 15
    Member
    189 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: January 2018

    I probably wouldn’t tell.  I doubt it would happen in my current relationship, since I’m actively trying to make good choices based on my past.  

     

    It did happen in my first marriage (similar scenario) and I didn’t tell.  My ex didn’t want to know anyway, he was all about dishonesty and keeping secrets.  Our marriage failed later due to many, many issues.  I regret cheating but don’t beat myself up about it.

     

    Now, if I cheated on my husband now I would be devastated and I’m sure the guilt would eat me. 

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