(Closed) Would you tell your SO if you cheated?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would you tell your SO if you cheated?
    Yes : (84 votes)
    49 %
    No : (43 votes)
    25 %
    Maybe : (35 votes)
    20 %
    Other : (11 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 18
    Member
    4304 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    To be honest, I said this before on another thread, but my husband (then-bf) had a indiscretion with his ex-gf when we had been dating long distance about 10 months.

    I don’t know how to explain that kind of rage without having a total f)*#@_)(@ breakdown on this post… but things go through your head you would NOT imagine.  It’s like you question your entire self-worth.

    And oh buddy, I will tell you what, did I ever feel like making him feel like I felt.  I had not seriously considering cheating until he was back in MI (we were long distance and he told me everything on a visit) and I was alone, totally hating myself.

    What I did surprised me.  I picked up the phone in the morning and I called him and I said “I am seriously thinking about doing what you did to me.”

    I think that was the BEST thing I ever could have done instead of hiding how I felt.

    Long winded – I just wanted to say I think these types of situations occur from not communicating in the first place, and I would, if again faced with some kind of desire for doing that (no matter the prompting) would rather tell my husband that I’m THINKING about doing it rather than having that awful conversation where time can’t be reversed.

    Post # 19
    Member
    1986 posts
    Buzzing bee

    “The reason I wouldn’t tell him is because telling him would only make ME feel better and him feel worse”

    This is a common thought that I simply don’t understand. It’s a cop out. If you’re (hypothetical you) are cheating in the first place, you’re either a lousy person in which case he deserves better, or there are huge issues in the relationship where chances are he already feels pretty shitty. Can someone explain this to me?

    Post # 20
    Member
    3563 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    @Belle2Be: This is how I see it: I think it means that often confessing that you’ve cheated if the cheating meant nothing (didn’t reflect issues with your current relationship, maybe it happened due to drinking, during a “break”, etc–you may not believe that this is possible, in which case I don’t think the whole argument will make sense to you at all), then telling your SO will simply assauge your own guilt because you get to get it off your chest, while it will make your SO feel unhappy, angry, sad, distrustful, etc. So anotherwords, if someone believes that the cheating was a mistake and not indicative of larger problems in the relationship, then that person might feel that it’s better to not bring it up and increase the damage and pain.

    Post # 21
    Member
    1986 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @hilsy85: Is it possible to cheat and have it not be reflective of larger issues? Wouldn’t that just put you in the crappy person box?

    ETA not you, you, hypothetical cheating “you”. And thanks for trying to explain ๐Ÿ˜€

    Post # 22
    Member
    5836 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2011

    @Belle2Be: I really believe that sometimes people just totally f*ck up and its meaningless. Cheating for me does not automatically mean youre a bad person or have serious relationship issues.

    Post # 23
    Member
    3563 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    @Belle2Be: Hah like I said if you don’t agree that that premise is possible, then the argument definitely does not work for you ๐Ÿ™‚ I personally do believe that you can cheat and not be an awful person, or have it mean that there are huge problems in your relationship (not to say there aren’t small problems, but I don’t think that cheating necessarily means you’re on the path to a breakup).

    Post # 24
    Member
    3563 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    @Belle2Be: Haha no worries, I figured you weren’t talking about ME personally ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 25
    Member
    1986 posts
    Buzzing bee

    So you both would be ok if your husbands cheated as long as it was meaningless?

    Or would you rather just not know?

    (It is a different mindset, so I’m picking your brains :D)

    Post # 26
    Member
    3563 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    @Belle2Be: Well, going by that argument,, if it was meaningless, he shouldn’t tell me ๐Ÿ™‚

    But no, I’m not saying I would be “ok” with it–I would be hurt and angry and sad. BUT if it were meaningless, and he did decide to tell me (and I actually believed that it was meaningless), then I do believe that we could move on, or at least I would do my best to move on.

    Post # 27
    Member
    3563 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    @Belle2Be: Hmm hard for me to say if I would rather no or not. I guess, if it were really truly completely meaningless, I wouldn’t want to know. AS LONG AS there’s no way I would find out from someone else. because then I would freak ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 28
    Member
    759 posts
    Busy bee

    I think my guilty conscious would force me to tell.  So yes I would, even though it would be hard!

    Post # 29
    Member
    5836 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2011

    If my husband/FI cheated and it was a one time thing I would try to work through it and stay together. Of course I’ve never been cheated on (that I’m aware of) so who knows. People think its weird that I’ll spend an entire weekend away and never feel the need to check in on my Fiance. As to whether I’d want to know…. idk I think ignorance can be bliss. If we have kids and are 20 yrs in no I don’t want to hear about it. Especially if he realizes he almost lost everything and really wants to change/focus on us.

    Post # 30
    Member
    1986 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @hilsy85: I don’t know if I would want to know. Cheating is also an end-all for my Fiance, which I’m ok with, of course. I just don’t believe in F* ups, so to say. For instance, a drunken make out session I can relate too, because I get…frisky…when I get drunk. But I just refuse to get drunk when I’m not around my man. I have a hard time believing that someone would do something so hurtful especially if its meaningless, to someone they love. That means that that hot kiss or whatever was more important than our relationship. And it seems like stuff like that always gets outed, somehow.

    Post # 31
    Member
    620 posts
    Busy bee

    Honestly I think it is a ridiculous question.  It should never happen.  That’s like saying “if you kill my mom would you be decent and at least let me know?  Don’t let me find out through CSI.”

    What?  What’s so honorable about admitting cheating.  Boo.  Don’t let it happen in the first place.  Sure deception on top of infedelity is bad but the infedelity is bad enough.  I surely wouldn’t give the other person a scoobie snack for coming clean before I found out. 

    “Honey, I have something to tell you?” 

    “What’s that dear?” 

    “Last night I jumped Tom’s bone”. 

    “Oh Ok dear…I’m really upset…but at least you came to me before I found out on my own.” 

    “Yeah you know…just being honorable and having the decency we promised each other.” 

    “Yeah…thanks for keeping your word about that.  But that Tom…not only did he bang my wife but he also didn’t tell me.”

    “Oh no dear.  Don’t be mad at him.  He is honest.  He did send you a letter.  It just hasn’t arrived yet.  It’ll probably be here by tomorrow.  Tom’s honorable.  he’d never deceive you.”

    AM I IN THE TWILIGHT ZONE?  LOL

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