Post # 46
@Socrates: I think I just have a more forgiving attitude about it than most. 🙂 And that’s ok! I have been on both ends of this situation and it’s deff very personal and as I said before not black and white. Everyone reacts differently…. but at the end of the day, I would tell my SO and would hope that he would tell me too if something happened.
@dreamingofbling: Well said. In My Humble Opinion, I don’t think it’s fair for someone to keep that a secret. Let the other person decide how they want to handle the situation.
Post # 47
YES. Hypothetically speaking, I would have to tell him. I tell him everything and I can’t keep anything from him.. especially something that serious.
I would never cheat on him, though. Cheating is a deal breaker for both of us, and I love him way too much.
Post # 48
My Fiance and I had an on again off again relationship for a while (started dating young, I was his first girlfriend, yada yada yada). An incident did occur while we were on, we broke up, and when we decided to get back together I debated whether or not to tell him because of the arguement that sometimes its more selfish to tell than to keep it to yourself. In the end, I told him that something happened and asked if he wanted to know more details (as in what, where, with who..at this point he knew nothing). He chose for himself- he didn’t want to know at all. We agreed to become more serious about our future together, work on our relationship, and that there would be no more breaks or incidents. I was definitely running away from the relationship when the incident occurred because I was afraid of him ending it, and I am so proud of how far both of us have come since then. It has taken a lot of effort in ourselves and our relationship, but we both knew that ultimately, more than anything, we wanted to be together.
If anything were to happen ever again on my part, I would tell him and end the relationship (because if it really were to happen again, it is obvious that the relationship isnt right). Since our relationhip is completely different now than it was at the time it occured, the chances of that happening again are…nonexistant.
If anything were to happen on his part… I don’t think I would want to know. I would hope that he would realize why it occured, and have a discussion with me about what to do to fix that issue in the relationhip.
Post # 49
If in some crazy mixed up world I cheated instead of working on it/ or just plain leaving, I would tell him because I respect my SO and believe he deserves the whole truth, and that I need to be adult enough to deal with the concequences of my actions should I ever do something like that. Cheating and then lying, just makes the act even worse in my eyes; with honesty, yeah sure you could lose your SO, but you took that chance and that choice when you cheated so really its your actions to blame. Thats how I would feel about it if it happened to me.
Post # 50
Yeah. I understand. I still stand by my honor statement. I’d be dead first. Sometimes you just have to stand for something. If it is something that is part of how you define yourself then that’s that. Part of my honor is loyalty. If I were to cheat I would not know how to define myself…I would fade away. lol Not everyone is into that soul honor stuff…I know. I’ve seen tons on cheaters through my life so I know. I can’t promise too many things but that’s one I can promise.
On the accepting it, secretly I might be a little more open…lol I don’t know if you would ever want to tell somebody that. I used to think “If anyone cheated it’s all over” but recently I have seen a situation with people I know with kids and I wanted it not to end and forgiveness so you never know how you will react. It might even be out of lazyness…who wants to go look for a new soulmate? lol Still I think the thing to pretend is “If you cheat it’s over”…lol. Am I right? It might be true…probably true but I just can’t say with 100% certainty like I used to say.
Interestingly enough, I thought this concept that this religious guy I ran into once was kind of cool. He was all about the unconditional love stuff. He was engaged and he said “Unconditional means unconditional”. He promised to love her and there was no way he would ever get a divorce. I thought it was a cool concept and teased him a bit “What if she cheats?” “I’d be hurt by it…” He was sticking to his guns. Something about the whole thing intrigued me. I looked him in the eyes and I could see he at least believed what he was telling me. I liked it but I don’t like the idea of letting the person know he/she can do anything and he/she will be forgiven. What if that person has a moment of weakness? Cool concept though…
Post # 51
Interesting post. Thanks for sharing.
Post # 52
@ttn133: I’m bad at secrets. I wouldn’t be able to look at him everyday without saying something…and it would probably be at an inappropriate time.
Post # 53
@Socrates: “sometimes you just have to stand for something.” I like that statement. It’s so true. 🙂
Post # 54
It depends, like a lot of other PP’s said. If it wasn’t serious, while a horrible offense, I would probably keep it to myself, use it as a learning experience and never do it again while not allowing it to break up my marriage. If I was really in love with another person and knew it was more than just the one mess up, I would tell Darling Husband and hopefully try to work it out through counseling. But he would probably walk away, it’s a dealbreaker for him.
Post # 55
Yeah right? lol If people are going to give these lofty vows and talk about ’till death do us part etc., why not say “OK…hun, I’m going to try to keep that part but one part can guarantee is I won’t cheat.” Stand for something. Is that too much to promise?
I understand the “what if’s” but like I said …people don’t say “If you kill my mom will you promise to tell me?” “Of course dear, deception is bad.” I used to think of it as if you are married there is the husband, the wife and and angel that is overhead and protects the two. It is fidelity that keeps the angel alive. If one partner is going to pull the angel down and kill it, it is just a matter of time before it is discovered…or that’s a deep secret.
I guess people are so understanding because a lot of them are past cheaters. I was surprised to see how many were cheaters from that other poll. Usually there is this image that guys cheat a lot but women are honorable…but you saw from that poll there were a lot of cheaters. I’m guessing most will be honorable to their husbands and they will blame it on youth.
I just despise cheating. Even some movies were ruined for me. I didn’t enjoy Titanic because I felt it was somewhat affair-laiden. I had even forgotten that she wrote that letter breaking up with that jerky guy so I couldn’t enjoy it. I didn’t enjoy Bridges of Madison County that this old woman loved so much and told me to watch because it was so romantic. Basically the woman cheated on her husband…not romantic at all.
It’s simple. Either fidelity is part of your core or it isn’t. Either you consider it central to your honor or you don’t. Some people are talking about being ashamed of hiding it. What about being ashamed of the act itself? To me it would be like demoting one’s soul to a lower level. I have too much pride for that.
Post # 56
By The Way, some may think my analogy to “will you let me know if you kill my mom?” is a bit extreme but not really. Most of us have so much honor within our souls that we have decided we won’t murder anyone. Not just because we don’t want to get caught but because we think of it as wrong and we don’t want to be known as a murderer…even if it is a secret.
So same with the cheating. Rather than say “Shix happens” how about, I would never cheat. It’s a choice…ust like murder. There are many people you will get mad at or even hate throughout your life. There are even some that you will consider evil but you’ve already made a commitment that you will not murder anyone. Why? Most of you take pride in not being a murderer (I know some of you will just avoid it because you don’t want to get caught…lol).
Most of you assume your spouse is not a murderer also. You respect that honor of not being a murderer. You want to be able to vouch for that person and trust that person 100%. Some people feel that same honor about not being a cheater. Sure it is much better to be a cheater than a murderer (lol) but still that honor means something to some (not all).
Post # 57
I had to put other. I have this crazy idea of honoring my commitments. Before I would ever cheat, I would be gone from the relationship. To me it is a crime to cheat.
Post # 58
Little thing, big thing, FH would be told. Sloppy drunken kiss at the bar is the same as a sexual relationship to us. We have a very defined line of what is cheating and what isn’t. For example, going to a stripclub is cheating. I would NEVER cheat. If I did, FH would immediately know. But really, a kiss is the same as sex to us in the cheating department.
Post # 59
@Yankee Fan Bride:
Admirable for a Yankees fan.
Red Sox nation in the house…lol
Post # 60
I find that interesting. Not that I would endorse drunken kisses but that would be much better to me that a full out romp. lol This is assuming the person caught him/herself and then told you (and really has not interest in the other person while sober).
Your comment made me wonder whether to you looking at dirty pictures is cheating exactly the same as sex also. lol