Would you truly be upset if you learned a couple had gotten "secretly" married?

posted 2 months ago in Ceremony
Post # 136
Member
11821 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Nobody needs to know why the couple needed to get married at an earlier date. That is their own business. What’s not in their control is the way people may feel when hosts are not honest about being previously married, which is not, as some posters would have one believe, a state of mind. 

Post # 137
Member
8789 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

jannigirl :  “Kind of akin to the way far back practice of needing to see the bedsheet” — Or just, you know, announcing the wedding. Doesn’t that seem more akin to what we’re talking about? 

tiffanybruiser : 

I just don’t see this issue as “truth” vs “lie.” ” — If someone has gotten married, that is the truth. If they deliberately make people think they aren’t married, that is a lie. How is this hard?

“I see it as a trivial detail” — Even if you feel that marriage is a trivial detail (which a lot of people disagree with since it’s a legal status that some people had to work hard to be able to enjoy, and that is still denied to some people, but regardless…) trivial details are either true or false. Lying about trivial details is childish and I don’t respect people who do it. 

“that has nothing to do with me” — Until they go through the effort of deceiving you and then invite you to a wedding that actually isn’t. Then it has to do with you. 

Post # 138
Member
7857 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I don’t think marriage is trivial. I think the legal part is extremely important…I just don’t care if I witness it or not. I don’t care whether it occurs before, during, or after the ceremony I’ve been invited to witness. I understand that for many couples it’s not practical or desirable to do the legal part at the same time as the public ceremony and I don’t give a shit what their reasons for that may be. When I say “it has nothing to do with me,” that’s what I mean.

I imagine that most couples who separate the legal part from the ceremony aren’t trying to deceive their loved ones. They probably would be very startled to learn there are people out there who would feel the way you do. Most likely they don’t read weddingbee and are blissfully unaware of the small yet rabid minority of people who are so up in arms about this issue. God bless them! Daisy_Mae :  

Post # 139
Member
225 posts
Helper bee

I mean, everyone’s clearly just getting more deeply ingrained in their original belief, if anything, at this point.

I have to say, I did not realize how divisive a topic this was. I know I’ve seen a few threads from (mostly younger) gals over the years who bring up a secret wedding as an option for themselves, and the majority of bees advise against it, but I realize those are case-by-case bases. 

Post # 140
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I would not be upset. Some people get married for legalities or other personal reasons and choose to celebrate their union at a later time. I’m there to celebrate them not their timeline.

Post # 141
Member
807 posts
Busy bee

I knew a couple who got married a few months prior to their wedding for logistical reasons (the groom was in the military), and I only found out when I read it in the bulletin. I assume they let their close friends/family know, though. Anyway, it didn’t phase me. Personally, being religious, their religious wedding ceremony is what mattered most to me, anyway. 

That being said, had I attended a wedding and found out through the grapevine that they had another “secret”/intimate wedding beforehand, I’d probably be side-eyeing what would now seem like a gift-grab. If you want a small, private, intimate wedding, why lie about it and then throw a big traditional wedding later? Unless it’s for logistical reasons as mentioned above, I’d probably think a secret wedding is tacky, but I wouldn’t burn bridges over it. 

Post # 142
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I wouldn’t care, but I also wouldn’t see a reason to officially tell everyone. It’s a technicality.

Post # 143
Member
738 posts
Busy bee

Life is short and there’s far too much misery in the world as it is, I’m happy to come celebrate your milestones with you regardless of the details. I’ll bring a gift, you feed me cake, sounds like a win-win. 

I don’t even care if the couple keeps the details a secret, it’s not going to change my willingness to celebrate with the happy couple. They have their reasons for doing it the way they did and IMO that’s their perogative.  Saying they should be honest but not have to divulge reasons why rarely works in real life- their celebration will be sidetracked by family and friends wanting to know why, feeling they have the right to know why, gossiping, speculating, nosy questions, judgment. Seeing how this thread has played out, I wouldn’t blame them for keeping it to themselves. 

Post # 144
Member
2712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Yeah no, just don’t lie….

Post # 145
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2020

If it was my best friend, yes, I’d feel offended and hurt.

If it was anyone else, no.  And I’d stay away from people who would – life is too short to deal with people who are easily offended and like to stick their nose in other people’s business.

Post # 146
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

tiffanybruiser :  you keep using the word entitled but it sounds just as entitled to feel as if you’re owed anyone’s attendance at your wedding,  regardless of the circumstances.   People are allowed to decide what they spend their money on to attend, even if you don’t agree.  

Post # 147
Member
7857 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I don’t think anyone is owed attendance at their wedding. You can decline a wedding for whatever reason you like; that is your right! I think declining solely because the legal part didn’t happen on the same day as the public ceremony is petty as hell as I’ve explained at length…but that’s certainly your perogative.

People have differing opinions about what constitutes a “legitimate” wedding. Some people think it must happen in a church/mosque/synagogue etc (we had people decline our wedding cause it wasn’t a religious ceremony…whatever, that’s their right). Others choose this legal part as their hill to die on. For me, if the wedding is for someone important to me and I can make it work financially/logistically to attend, I will do so regardless of what type of ceremony it is and whether the legal part happens on that day or any other point in time. I don’t think it’s my place to dictate to another couple the manner in which they should be married, nor do I have any interest in doing so. It’s that’s mindset that seems entitled to me. 

 oceangirl40 :  

Post # 148
Member
11821 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

tiffanybruiser :  I have no wish to dictate either. Get married earlier for whatever reason, many of them completely legitimate, or don’t. Just let people know what it is they are attending, that’s all. What is so hard about that? 

Post # 149
Member
7857 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Right…well, to the couple hosting, the event you’re attending is their wedding.

if you disagree that it counts as a wedding if the legal part isn’t done on site, that’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it, just as people are entitled to believe it must happen in a church, it must be a religious ceremony, or the bride must be a virgin or whatever else. but you need to realize your opinion is not shared by many people; thus it’s not realistic to expect the entire universe to cater to it by informing you ahead of time.

In any case you have three options when you receive a wedding invitation:

1) make the couple swear on their first born child that the legal papers will be signed on site at the wedding you’ve been invited to

2) decline. Even if the couple getting married has always been good to you, there’s just no way to be sure they haven’t turned into gift grabbing con artists over night. Better safe than sorry! 

3) build a bridge and get over it!

 

weddingmaven :  

Post # 150
Member
11821 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

tiffanybruiser :  People can fantasize that they are not married all they want, it doesn’t make it true. Certainly people have fought hard for all the privileges and benefits that come with it. 

Your second option makes my point. People will, in fact, not decline if they are led to believe they are attending a wedding. The onus is on the couple to be truthful. But now we are really just going around in circles. We’ll have to agree to disagree. 

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