Would you truly be upset if you learned a couple had gotten "secretly" married?

posted 2 months ago in Ceremony
Post # 16
437 posts
Helper bee

ladyjane123 :  We might have the same cousin. 


Had a cousin who did exactly that, but for the Church wedding, invited her friends and dad’s family, followed by a reception with the same people. Her mom’s side of the family got the post-wedding, post-honeymoon lunch reception. We’re Asian, weddings are a huge deal and the more senior members of the extended family thought the lunch reception was a money-grab but showed up to “save face”.

Post # 17
549 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2020 - Summer Camp!

 It’s fine. One is your civil/legal marriage, the other is your social/cultural/religious (if that’s your thing) marriage and wedding. Most people include them together, while a few people don’t for tax) whatever reasons. It’s fine and doesn’t matter, although I might judge a bit if they were publicly referring to wash other as their spouse and wearing their wedding set before the sociocultural ceremony. 

Post # 18
785 posts
Busy bee

I’ve seen this happen before when it didn’t involve me and I’ve seen others get upset about couples doing it. I think it just comes down to not being anyone else’s business what others choose to do. If you ask a couple straight to their face and they lie, that’s different than them not telling anyone period. That’s for them to choose. I would be upset if I was lied to for sure. 

If it involves family members and some are excluded in a ceremony while others are included that would also upset me. But if two friends get married and I’m not there then they have a wedding, in theory, I should not have an opinion on it. 

Post # 19
950 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

No, I dont spend a lot of time caring what other people do. I dont see a reason to hide it though, just be honest. Is she hiding it because she thinks she will get less gifts or something?

Post # 20
632 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: London, UK

No. I wouldn’t care. We might have to do something similar as I only decided I actually wanted a Jewish ceremony after we booked our wedding for 2pm on a Saturday. So we might go to the registry office the day before to get legally married, and then have a Jew-ish ceremony at the wedding itself that is symbolic but not legally binding. I doubt I would tell people unless it came up in conversation, it certainly wouldn’t be a secret. I just wouldn’t see it as relevant to the day’s proceedings to bring it up at the wedding itself.

Post # 21
8770 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

marybee22 :  I would be upset at being lied to. To me it’s not a matter of “I wasn’t important enough to be there” — that’s petty and making the wedding about you. For me, it has nothing to do with the wedding, but rather the feeling of being deceived by someone I care about. Why not just tell the truth? Lying shows a lack of integrity and I would respect the couple less — not for anything to do with the wedding, but for their willingness to lie to people who love them.

Post # 22
194 posts
Blushing bee

One of my best friends did this and I told her it is going to go horribly sideways once her family eventually figures out.

They have a lot of pressure on them to have a huge wedding, both families will be horribly affronted if they don’t. They had an elopement (I guess?)… they went to an officiant’s house with two witnesses. They meant to have a big wedding/celebration (yes, fake the wedding) within the next 6-9 months, but then their house got flooded, dog got cancer, bills… two and a half years later their parents still think they are engaged.

Post # 23
3363 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

I’d be annoyed. Seems unnecessary to lie to people who are apparently important enough and close enough to be invited to the wedding, and it gives the impression that the couple is lying because they don’t think their guests care about them enough to still value a celebration of marriage even if it’s after them being legally married.

I went to a wedding of a couple that had been married for a year. They had a wedding in the bride’s home country, and then in the groom’s home country. Nobody cared or thought the second wedding was less important, and it’s nice that the couple gave their guests that minimal amount of credit and honesty.

Post # 24
4388 posts
Honey bee

Honestly, yes.

I wouldn’t be upset about the actual act of marrying, I would be upset about all the lying that came afterward.  It’s not a secret, it’s a lie.  I find most people who do this (marry for a logistical reason then lie about it), do it because they also want all the wedding trappings later and to pretend like what they did before wasnt “real”.  It was real – you got all the real benefits of being someone’s spouse (something a lot of people fought long and hard to get).

Live your life – that is totally cool.  Marry for insurance now, throw yourself a big to-do later – I’ll come and be happy for you.  You do what you gotta do and I don’t care.  But I’m uninterested in being associated with liars.  I don’t accept lying from my SO; I don’t accept lying from my family; I dont accept lying from my friends.  Honesty is important to me.  If you’re grown enough to marry for whatever reason, you should be grown enough to own your decisions and live an honest life.


Post # 25
1096 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

marybee22 :  In general I don’t care. Hey, they have made it through their first year of marriage, good for them.

Post # 26
4756 posts
Honey bee

Nope. I actually don’t care about this.  Now if a close friend lied to my face I’d be upset but I totally get the health insurance thing. 

Post # 27
4482 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Not one bit. It’s their relationship and commitment that we celebrate at wedding events – who cares what the legal status of that commitment is? A couple may get married privately for any number of reasons, and if they choose not to share that decision publicly, that’s their privilege. When they are ready to celebrate, I’ll be on board, regardless!

Post # 28
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Wouldn’t bother me. Plus does she even need to be married to get on her partner’s health insurance? I live in PA and my fiance is on my health insurance as a domestic partner because we own a home together. I’m not sure about other states but I know some employers allow you to add a person onto your health insurance if your living under the same roof.

Post # 30
217 posts
Helper bee

Upset isn’t the word, but I’d very much question why it was a secret. I think doing a courthouse wedding and then a bigger celebration sometime later is totally fine–people have their preferences and reasons–but I’d feel weird about lying to friends and family about it.

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