Would you truly be upset if you learned a couple had gotten "secretly" married?

posted 9 months ago in Ceremony
Post # 31
Member
6808 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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marybee22 :  To me it’s highly dependent on how it all goes down. If I felt very close to the couple and they married on the sly and didn’t mention it for a year, I’d be pretty hurt, never mind having a pretend wedding later instead of a vow renewal or something.  As others have said, it’s not the marriage, it’s the lie — why play unmarried if you really are?  I’d also be irked if they made a huge, expensive, demanding to-do and I found out it was all a show.  I say that as a person who got legally married two days before her “real” wedding where we were joined by my Father-In-Law – to me there’s a huge difference between getting the paperwork out of the way and having the sentimental marriage approximately the same time and faking being unmarried for an extended amount of time so you can have a big show much later (and presumably reap all the benefits of “bachelor/ette” parties, showers, wedding gifts, etc).

People can do whatever they want, but if it comes out, others are definitely going to feel hurt about the lie.  I just don’t see the point.  I’d happily join a friend who got married in a small way because reasons and wanted all the fuss when they had the time/health/money/etc to do so, but didn’t fake it in between.

Post # 33
Member
4028 posts
Honey bee

Someone else’s relationship status is none of my damn business. Why people think they are entitled to feelings on this topic boggles my mind.

Post # 34
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

No. It’s nobody’s business but their own.

Post # 35
Member
1125 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

I don’t like being lied to and invited, on false pretenses, to celebrate something long in the past. Would seriously lose faith in these people.

Post # 36
Member
2253 posts
Buzzing bee

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marybee22 :  not in the slightest. if someone decided to get married for legal reasons prior to having the actual ceremony, that’s their personal business and NO ONE has the right to be offended about something that is between the couple only. a wedding is a party to celebrate the couple’s union. getting married is a legal matter. does the timing of the party make the union less special or less important?

if I knew someone who would be upset with someone for making a personal life decision, i would, quite frankly, believe they were a pretentious, self-righteous, self-important…asshole. 

ETA: if a couple does this, and they open up to people that they did get legally married prior to the ceremony, that just opens the door for people to start prying even further into their business about “why” and all that other bullshit. people say that honesty is the best policy—well, I say minding your own business is always the best policy for matters that do not directly concern you.

Post # 37
Member
2580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

No. What people do in their relationship isn’t my business. Weddings are to celebrate a marriage and I don’t think it really matters if the papers were signed a year ago or 5 minutes ago. 

Post # 38
Member
6808 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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marybee22 : it would bother me because of the “demanding” part, basically. Asking people to go to a huge expense (travel, hotels, gifts, special parties) without being honest that it’s not a wedding and playing unmarried for a year beforehand strikes me as deceitful, greedy, selfish and rude. As I said, if they are transparent about it rather than lying first, I’d feel differently. 

Post # 39
Member
475 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

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marybee22 :  Nope. I would still be happy to celebrate their union with them regardless of whether I was there for the actual legal moment. My cousin decided to secretly marry before her wedding day because her husband was really anxious and it helped him to relax and enjoy their wedding by taking away some of the pressure of the ceremony. I was told in private about their secret ceremony and it didn’t bother me- their day was still special. 

Post # 40
Member
7025 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Would I be hurt if one of my closest friends got married and didn’t tell me? Sure. Because we’re close and we don’t keep a lot of secrets from one another. And I’d get over it. Would I care if my neighbor’s daughter or husband’s cousin went to the courthouse six months before the big celebration so they could share health insurance or whatever? No. Life is complicated, it’s not for me to judge. 

Post # 41
Member
12814 posts
Honey Beekeeper

As soon as you invite people to a fake reenactment and lie to convince them that they are being asked to see the couple get married, you are making it their business. People spend time, money, and effort to attend weddings. Personally, I’d gladly attend a delayed reception and send a wedding gift to someone close to me who eloped, but many will feel that a celebratory party is not the same kind of milestone, because it isn’t. And not everyone will send a gift, or the same kind of gift, in this situation, either.

That’s exactly why people lie. Out of self-interest. They don’t want people to take it less seriously and they don’t want to lose out on presents or cash. 

Post # 42
Member
3471 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I wouldn’t be upset, but it does make me view the subsequent celebrations as less of a wedding. One of my friends invited me to an event that I thought was a wedding and then I saw pics of them kissing on the steps of the courthouse a few days later. I thought it was odd, but didn’t say anything. But then over the course of the next year they honest to God had like 3 more weddings (with multiple showers and bach parties and bridal luncheons and stuff). There weren’t any military/insurance/immigration issues, so it just felt like they wanted the benefit of having a ton of weddings all over the place without having to have anyone participate in the actual ceremony.

One of my very closest friends also did something similiar. Her husband came to the US with her on a fiance visa so they only had 90 days in which to get married, so I understood that there would be at least 2 “weddings.” But they had their private ceremony. And then they had a very wedding-y “engagement party” even though they were technically already married. Then I received separate invitations to two different cultural wedding ceremonies. By that time, they had already been married over a year, she’d already begun using his surname, and the shine had generally worn off. But as she’s a very good friend, I was more than happy to celebrate with them. Of the two remaining weddings, I decided to attend #2 because it was closer to me, but come to find out, #1 was the one she was considering the real “wedding” and they ended up cancelling #2.  She was disappointed that I missed her wedding, but like…it wasn’t a wedding.

Post # 43
Member
4986 posts
Honey bee

Maybe I’m weird but I couldn’t care less since I dont believe it has any effect on me personally. 

Post # 44
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t see why it should upset anyone.. I mean they invited you to an actual event to celebrate it. Its their life and their decisions.

Post # 45
Member
537 posts
Busy bee

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misstomorris :  Honestly, yes. It outwardly says that I am not important enough in the couple’s eyes to be there for “the real thing”.

Maybe that’s because…you’re not important enough? That doesn’t have to be taken as an insult. When I attend a friend’s wedding, I’m not under the impression that I’m the most important guest. There are plenty of other people there who are closer to the bride and groom, and are therefore more important than me. And I’m OK with that.

If your friends had a private ceremony, it was probably just the two of them and the officiant, and perhaps a witness. That means nobody was important enough to be there for “the real thing,” which was likely a very quick and boring civil ceremony. If they didn’t even invite their families to that, why would they invite you? They invited you and everybody else to the fun part, so why dwell on the fact that they didn’t invite you to a private ceremony that was meant to be just for them? I’m sure they don’t think of that private ceremony as “the real thing.” It’s just the bland “legal thing” that had to be done first for whatever reason.

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