Post # 1
A little back story. My husband and I thought we were one and done, then a couple years ago he mentioned he might want a second. I had been thinking the same thing, but we weren’t ready yet since our son was still so young.
When we did decide it was the right tjme, he eventually ended up saying that he just felt like I pressured him and he wasn’t sure it is what he really wanted. So, we decided to not try.
Now, over the holidays, my SIL had her baby on Christmas Eve and after visiting he said he wanted a second kid. I was on board and super excited that I felt like it was a decision he came to without influence from me. Well, last night he was giving me a hard time saying how I better not want 3, I don’t, but there was this implication that the only reason we are trying for a second is because I want it. I asked him in the evening if he wants it for himself or if he just wants it because he knows it is something I want. His response was that he can’t possibly determine that. All he can say is that he is onboard.
I have this fear that down the road he will come to the realization two kids isn’t what he actually wanted and he will be resentful over whatever perceived pressure he felt. Even though I always insist I only want this if it is 100% something he wants too.
What would you do?
Post # 2
Nyxee : I would sit on it for a month or so at least. Seeing the baby might have given him some baby fever, but I would be concerned that he truly doesn’t want another one. He can’t tell you if he wants a baby or if he’s just doing it because you want one.
i would revisit the discussion again a little later, to see how he’s feeling
Post # 3
Yeah I agree with Sansa to sit on it for a month or two. If he says he’s on board at that point then go for it.
Post # 4
Yeah, I realize you are right. I feel so frustrated after sitting on it for over a year with a false start and then changing his mind. It is just heartbreaking each time to get my hopes up and then feel sad again after, but not be able to show it, because being sad about it causes him to feel more pressure. Just Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Post # 5
Nyxee : You should make a Pros and Cons list together. You can also decide to leave it up to fate and don’t necessarily try to get pregnant just stop trying to prevent pregnancy. That way it doesn’t seem pressuring for either of you and it’s more of if it happens then it happens kind of thing
Unless either of you have a BIG reason to not have a second, like if you’re struggling financially and can hardly support the first child then there won’t be any resentment once your second is born. You’ll both love your two children and everything will be fine.
Post # 6
So your husband mentioned he wanted a second and when you agreed, he said you were pressuring him. Then he saw a baby at Christmas and again said he wanted a second and when you agreed, he again made it seem like you were pressuring him? Your husband sounds like kind of a jerk, sorry.
Post # 7
Nyxee : I wouldn’t worry about it so much if i were you. You already have one child and you should base your decision on number 2 off how he treats fatherhood with one child already. Is he a very involved loving dad now? Does he try to spend lots of time with your current kid on his own without anyone making him do it? I think if right now he is a very involved parent with your 1st child, he most likely will be with the second. So just take him at his word and have another. To me agonizing over a second kid is a bit silly when you already have one. It isn’t as if you are deciding to have kids at all or not. YOu already have one. 2 isn’t that big a leap.
Post # 8
I would make clear to him that you are putting TTC on the backburner until he comes to you and says “this is what I want and I understand moving forward that I am wholeheartedly endorsing this decision and take full responsibility as an equal partner in this decision”.
Ok, maybe not quite so legal-doc-esque but genuinely make him agree that he’s saying he wants this.
Down the line if he makes any references to having felt pressured, even in jest, shut it down immediately.
Post # 9
I feel like taking him at his word and running with it, especially when you think he might have some doubts, isn’t really respectful of his feelings.
In a perfect world, he would be as involved and loving with a second baby as he is with the first.
But this isn’t a perfect world, we are imperfect, and if he feels pressure, it’s possible that he could feel resentment towards op later on down the line when baby number two is up all night or in the terrible twos etc.
He sounds confused, he doesn’t know if he wants a baby because he wants one, or because op wants one. Just give him some time to sort through it
Post # 10
Agreeing w/ all the votes to wait for a bit. I also think its a decision you guys can mutually come to and discuss. We have friends where the husband wanted #3, the wife felt content after #2 but wasn’t opposed to having #3. They had #3 a year ago and all is well. I think giving him a month or two to ponder it and determine if he just has baby fever, really wants a second, wants a second because you want a second or something else entirely. I don’t think it’s horrible for him to want a second child partly because you want a second child. As long as thats not his ONLY reasoning because I could see that leading to a lot of resentment/anger on tough days.
Post # 11
I don’t know… I don’t think sitting on it for a month is going to solve anything here, since your husband has already said he wanted a second and then gone back on that once before. He has been pretty careless with his casual approach to this and has had you on this emotional rollercoaster for 2 years now.
So you wait 1 month and he says he’s still on board, you start TTC and conceive. 3 months in to the pregnancy, he tells you he feels he was pressured into it. OK. But, based on his history, that could happen even if you waited another 2 years. He’s just shown himself to be indecisive on this subject.
I think the real question you have to ask yourself is if – KNOWING YOUR HUSBAND IS UNDECIDED – you are willing to forge ahead and make the decision for him (with his consent, obviously) and live with the consequences: If you go ahead and conceive, he may come back and say he felt pressured. If you choose not to try again, you’ll never have another baby, when you have decided you want one.
It looks to me like you have decided you want another baby and your husband has “decided” he’s going to be undecided for the foreseeable future. I feel like you either forge ahead now or shelve the idea permanently.
In your shoes, your husband said he was on board. I would go ahead and start TTC. But I know my own husband and I know any indecisiveness he would be feeling would just be analysis paralysis.
Post # 12
Sansa85 : He sounds confused, he doesn’t know if he wants a baby because he wants one, or because op wants one. Just give him some time to sort through it
I agree…I don’t think there is any point in vilifying him for being confused/conflicted at this stage. Having a second kid IS a big decision and there is no reason to rush into it if one partner is still having some ambivalence.
My husband and I have a two-month old and were just discussing the possibility of #2 yesterday. We both feel like we want one in theory but were having a hard time articulating exactly why. Is it because we want our daughter to have a sibling? If so why is that important? Is it because having two kids is just what people do these days? It’s kind of hard to pinpoint it and I feel like we need to keep discussing this before we make a firm decision, cause it’s not the type of decision you can take back!
Post # 13
It sounds like you need to say directly, “Ok, I’m confused about what you want. Would you be willing to really think about it and make a firm decision?” It’s not fair for you to keep getting jerked back and forth. Put the onus on him.
Post # 14
Thank you all so much for all the input. I told him “Maybe while we were on holiday break for 11 days and when we were around a newborn wasn’t the best time to decide to have a second. It remains incredibly important to me that I know it is something you want, and I had no idea this time was also saying okay to having a baby because I wanted one” He said “Well we can definitely talk about it more”.
tiffanybruiser : I’m not trying to vilify him, just frustrated with the situation. I can very much relate to the difficulty articulating why I want a second. I would feel like we need to keep discussing it too, except it has been 2 years of discussing it with no progress towards a decision. When it seems like there is progress, it gets reverted a bit later.
asummerbridet7 : The main reason he is hesitant to have a second is that we both have pretty busy and stressful jobs and he will have less free time to do his own thing and unwind. We are financially fine for having a second, but I definitely can’t imagine transitioning to staying home. We have a great local support system between grandparents and aunts/uncles, but he says he “Doesn’t know anyone with two kids and both parents working full time, unless they have live-in help, like an au pair.” and he is definitely not willing to have anyone else living in our house. He is super introvert, but a senior leader at his company, and comes home incredibly drained.
hickoryhills : I have tried so many times to ask him to think about what HE really wants and take my desires out of the equation. He says it is just impossible to decouple those things. It is so frustrating to try so hard to talk about it and find out what he truely wants, just to have him say it is impossible.
Post # 15
ladyjane123 : He is an incredibly involved father. He loves being a dad and spending time playing with our son. We split duties pretty much evenly and DS even had a huge daddy preference for months (thankfully he has moved on from that). He is concerned about having less time for DS with a new baby.