Would you TTC in this situation?

posted 6 months ago in TTC
Post # 2
Member
4759 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Nyxee :  I would sit on it for a month or so at least. Seeing the baby might have given him some baby fever, but I would be concerned that he truly doesn’t want another one. He can’t tell you if he wants a baby or if he’s just doing it because you want one.

i would revisit the discussion again a little later, to see how he’s feeling

Post # 3
Member
7824 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Yeah I agree with Sansa to sit on it for a month or two. If he says he’s on board at that point then go for it.

Post # 5
Member
437 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Nyxee :  You should make a Pros and Cons list together. You can also decide to leave it up to fate and don’t necessarily try to get pregnant just stop trying to prevent pregnancy. That way it doesn’t seem pressuring for either of you and it’s more of if it happens then it happens kind of thing

Unless either of you have a BIG reason to not have a second, like if you’re struggling financially and can hardly support the first child then there won’t be any resentment once your second is born. You’ll both love your two children and everything will be fine. 

Post # 6
Member
1731 posts
Bumble bee

So your husband mentioned he wanted a second and when you agreed, he said you were pressuring him. Then he saw a baby at Christmas and again said he wanted a second and when you agreed, he again made it seem like you were pressuring him? Your husband sounds like kind of a jerk, sorry.

Post # 7
Member
1838 posts
Buzzing bee

Nyxee :  I wouldn’t worry about it so much if i were you. You already have one child and you should base your decision on number 2 off how he treats fatherhood with one child already. Is he a very involved loving dad now? Does he try to spend lots of time with your current kid on his own without anyone making him do it? I think if right now he is a very involved parent with your 1st child, he most likely will be with the second. So just take him at his word and have another. To me agonizing over a second kid is a bit silly when you already have one. It isn’t as if you are deciding to have kids at all or not. YOu already have one. 2 isn’t that big a leap. 

Post # 8
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I would make clear to him that you are putting TTC on the backburner until he comes to you and says “this is what I want and I understand moving forward that I am wholeheartedly endorsing this decision and take full responsibility as an equal partner in this decision”.

Ok, maybe not quite so legal-doc-esque but genuinely make him agree that he’s saying he wants this.

Down the line if he makes any references to having felt pressured, even in jest, shut it down immediately. 

Post # 9
Member
4759 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I feel like taking him at his word and running with it, especially when you think he might have some doubts, isn’t really respectful of his feelings.

In a perfect world, he would be as involved and loving with a second baby as he is with the first.

But this isn’t a perfect world, we are imperfect, and if he feels pressure, it’s possible that he could feel resentment towards op later on down the line when baby number two is up all night or in the terrible twos etc.

He sounds confused, he doesn’t know if he wants a baby because he wants one, or because op wants one. Just give him some time to sort through it

Post # 10
Member
2029 posts
Buzzing bee

Agreeing w/ all the votes to wait for a bit. I also think its a decision you guys can mutually come to and discuss. We have friends where the husband wanted #3, the wife felt content after #2 but wasn’t opposed to having #3. They had #3 a year ago and all is well. I think giving him a month or two to ponder it and determine if he just has baby fever, really wants a second, wants a second because you want a second or something else entirely. I don’t think it’s horrible for him to want a second child partly because you want a second child. As long as thats not his ONLY reasoning because I could see that leading to a lot of resentment/anger on tough days.

Post # 11
Member
2565 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t know… I don’t think sitting on it for a month is going to solve anything here, since your husband has already said he wanted a second and then gone back on that once before. He has been pretty careless with his casual approach to this and has had you on this emotional rollercoaster for 2 years now. 

So you wait 1 month and he says he’s still on board, you start TTC and conceive. 3 months in to the pregnancy, he tells you he feels he was pressured into it. OK. But, based on his history, that could happen even if you waited another 2 years. He’s just shown himself to be indecisive on this subject.

I think the real question you have to ask yourself is if – KNOWING YOUR HUSBAND IS UNDECIDED – you are willing to forge ahead and make the decision for him (with his consent, obviously) and live with the consequences: If you go ahead and conceive, he may come back and say he felt pressured. If you choose not to try again, you’ll never have another baby, when you have decided you want one. 

It looks to me like you have decided you want another baby and your husband has “decided” he’s going to be undecided for the foreseeable future. I feel like you either forge ahead now or shelve the idea permanently.

In your shoes, your husband said he was on board. I would go ahead and start TTC. But I know my own husband and I know any indecisiveness he would be feeling would just be analysis paralysis.

Post # 12
Member
7824 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Sansa85 :  He sounds confused, he doesn’t know if he wants a baby because he wants one, or because op wants one. Just give him some time to sort through it

I agree…I don’t think there is any point in vilifying him for being confused/conflicted at this stage. Having a second kid IS a big decision and there is no reason to rush into it if one partner is still having some ambivalence.

My husband and I have a two-month old and were just discussing the possibility of #2 yesterday. We both feel like we want one in theory but were having a hard time articulating exactly why. Is it because we want our daughter to have a sibling? If so why is that important? Is it because having two kids is just what people do these days? It’s kind of hard to pinpoint it and I feel like we need to keep discussing this before we make a firm decision, cause it’s not the type of decision you can take back!

Post # 13
Member
1237 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

It sounds like you need to say directly, “Ok, I’m confused about what you want.  Would you be willing to really think about it and make a firm decision?”  It’s not fair for you to keep getting jerked back and forth.  Put the onus on him.

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