Would you TTC in this situation?

posted 6 months ago in TTC
Post # 31
7824 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I agree with hikingbride…it sounds like you’re being kind of passive aggressive in how you’re handling this, with the flipping from “I want to TTC” to “you need a vasectomy” in the span of 24 hrs. I get that you’re frustrated with his wishy washiness, and I would be too, but deciding to have a second kid is a big decision and your husband seems genuinely conflicted. Why not just table it for now? Why does the decision have to be made conclusively right now, today?

I could be wrong, but to me it seems like your husband’s feelings on the topic are evolving. He was against it at first, then sort of on board because he knows you want another, and then after xmas is finding the whole thing even more appealing. I’d be inclined to give it more time. Stop mentioning baby fever, stop talking about it at all – just table it for six months or so and then see how you both feel.

Post # 32
2565 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t think it’s PA-ness causing the OP to swing to wanting a vasectomy. I think it’s that she feels jerked around for the last 2 YEARS, and she’s tired of not having control over something so important. So, in her mind, it needs to be decided one way or the other FINALLY, so that she can come to terms with it, grieve (if necessary) and move on. 

Based on your updates, OP, I agree with PP that you guys need therapy, stat. I answered the OP as if the situation involved me and my husband – in that case, we would 100% sit down and have lots of open heart conversations about our myriad fears/worries/hopes/etc. That’s why I said we would most likely wind up moving foward, because -while we can both be initally fearful- we consciously try to make our life choices based on hope and faith. And we jave excellent communication with each other.

But your husband is clamming up and not talking to you. He seems to want to place the burden of making this decision (and any and all negative consequences that will/may arise) onto your shoulders. It seems pretty weak and cowardly to me, TBH.

Post # 35
7824 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Nyxee :  I do get where you’re coming from bee and I know I’d be struggling and frustrated too if I were you. If you were passive aggressive, you have a right to be lol – not that that makes it the best way to communicate. And for what it’s worth, his comment about “defiitely immediately getting a vasectomy after #2” also comes off as extremely passive aggressive/resentful – that would really chap my ass.

I think maybe talking to a counselor together would be the best move. It’s not fair for your husband to imply that you’re pressuring him for a baby and then when you say never mind let’s be one and done, he acts like he’s not okay with that either. It’s like he doesn’t want to take responsibility for this decision one way or the other. I can see how that would be a total mind fuck for you, but I guess I sympathize a bit with him because to me it just really sounds like he doesn’t fully know what he wants yet, and that’s tough too. 

Post # 37
425 posts
Helper bee

He can cosplay as an executive director of Dunder Mifflin as much as he wants, but C-level execs don’t usually have this much trouble articulating their opinions and wishes and arriving at a decision when negotiating with just one other party.

Post # 38
6650 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Nyxee :  Does he even realize you’ve been waiting for 2 years for him to make up his mind? You keep emphasizing 2 years but I wonder if part of the reason he doesn’t understand your frustration is because he doesn’t realize you’ve been putting your life on hold for so long. 

I will say, either way, stop putting your life on hold for something that is merely a possibility. Even if you both were on the same page, TTC might take a while. It could take years. Don’t keep denying yourself things because you might possibly be pregnant in the future. 

I think therapy is a very good idea. It seems that neither of you are communicating very effectively right now and this is a very emotionally charged topic. 

I am more like your husband in this situation. We have one kid and he just turned 1. I go back and forth on an almost daily basis as to whether I want another one or not. It’s confusing and emotional and I feel like no matter which way I’m leaning, it’s the wrong decision. It sucks! I’m not saying he’s right and you’re wrong, or vice versa. But I do think you’re very angry right now and seeing all of this as some sort of attack or slight against you and I doubt that’s what he’s meaning at all. He’s probably just as annoyed and confused with his own feelings (I know I am!) and simply isn’t communicating that well. 

Post # 39
3090 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Therapy is definitely a good idea. Your husband is essentially trying to pawn the decision and all of its consequences off on you and that is NOT fair at all and needs to be shut down ASAP. He is an adult and he needs to be willing to make big decisions and take responsibility for the outcome of those decisions. The way he is handling this decision is basically him saying “I can’t make up my mind, so instead I’m going to force you to make the decision yourself so that if it turns out to be the wrong one, I have someone else to blame”.

Post # 41
1034 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Nyxee :  That’s a hopeful update, but I hope he is getting therapy for his anxiety and you are both still going for couples counselling. Did you have a lot of health problems with your first baby?

To me, it sounded like he was putting the decision on you either way – whether or not you try for a second child – and totally abdicating responsibility for that choice. If he’s onboard now, that’s great, but he needs to stop making comments that suggest you forced his hand or he’s only doing it to make you happy. That’s a major copout and would drive me bonkers.

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