(Closed) Would you walk away?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think it depends on what the woman’s TRUE goals are. If her dream is to be married and have children and the man she is with isn’t on the same page, then yes, she should think about leaving.

Post # 4
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

Being a mom is really important to me and I’m not comfortable with having children outside of wedlock.  SO.. if I felt like a man was taking so long that I was getting older and older and approaching a point where I would have to worry about trying to conceive.  I would probably leave.

People always say if you truly love someone than you should want to be with them no matter what. Even if they don’t propose.  But if that person really loves me they should be willing to get married if it’s really important.  If you simply can not get on the same page about marriage, I don’t think you should be together.

Post # 5
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2009

haha i asked the same thing a few week ago and boy is this a sensitive topic! i didnt/dont understand it either. good luck. hopefully people can answer this….

Post # 6
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Disclaimer: I haven’t gone through this, so I can’t say for certain what I would do, but this is what I think I would do:

I would have a serious talk with him and see what would come of it. If he said he was committed to me long term, but just never wants to get legally married, I would figure out a way to roll with the punches. If he wasn’t committed, I would begin to worry and possibly consider walking away.

 

Post # 7
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@SandyDollHair: I agree with this.

If you don’t have similar goals for life, then there is no reason to stay. I do feel that after a certain point, if there isn’t forward progress in a relationship, then you should walk away. If marriage is the end goal, and one partner doesn’t agree or thinks things are fine the way they are and doesnt’ want to marry, then its time to walk away.

I do think that some of the waiting girls drive themselves crazy for no reason, but that’s why I stay away from those boards.

 

Post # 8
Member
4520 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Moose1209But if that person really loves me they should be willing to get married if it’s really important.  If you simply can not get on the same page about marriage, I don’t think you should be together.

 

Nailed it. If being married is very important to one person, then the other person should love the other enough to do it. If not, it’s time to reconsider the relationship. 

Post # 9
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Yes, I would have walked away if Darling Husband “broke his promise” of intended engagement. As much as I would have felt “but we’re perfect for each other”, dragging his feet too long was not an option for me. (I am older, 38 now).

And I made it clear to him that I would have walked, too.

Post # 10
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Relationships are based on compromise it is very possible for one party to be ready before the other. I feel like I see a lot of ladies who want to be married way before their SO and when he’s not ready soon enough they start accusing him of not loving them or not wanting to give them what they want (or some other version of that). Which in my opinion is silly.

Part of being with FH meant waiting a little longer than I had planned but I knew it was important to him. At 28 I do feel like an older bride sometimes but I know we still have a lot of time to be together. I probably wouldn’t have waited until 50 but I could have waited longer if needed.

Post # 11
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@thehoneybear: hubs and I had this talk in the beginning of our relationship (we had been friends a long time before dating). I told him if he didn’t see this ending in marriage, then I wasn’t goiing to waste my time dating him. Harsh? Maybe, but I knew I wanted to spend my life wtih him,and if he didn’t see the same, no need to spend any more time with him,when I could be missing out on the right guy. luckily, he agreed, and after that, I didn’t have a timeline. We also don’t want kids, so I didn’t have that to make me crazy.  He ended up proposing when we were together for 3 years without an ounce of prodding from me. I had absolutely no clue he was going to propose that soon, but it worked for him. We still waited 2 years to get married because I wanted to be close to graduating college

Post # 12
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee

If he REALLY, REALLY was against marriage itself (or getting married to me), then we would not get married.  However, if he was just taking too much sweet time in asking, then I’d just propose to him.  I wouldn’t walk away from the man I love just for being a slowpoke.

That being said, I’m not in a rush or anything. We don’t want kids, so that’s not really an issue.  My deadline is ‘whenever we are going to buy a house’.  I wouldn’t buy a house with someone I wasn’t married to…just seems like it could get too messy.

Post # 13
Member
2790 posts
Sugar bee

@MrsJules10:No you asked about deadlines and ultimatums. She’s asking if someone would leave their SO if their waiting gets to hard or too far without any progress or the other person is stalling.

 

@KJM2013:Currently, I’ve been with my SO for 4 years and waiting actively for around 2. Our sole reason for waiting on the proposal has been $$. There were a few times when money came in that we intended to use for my ring but we needed to use it for other things so there has been a lot of ups and downs. My SO has made it very clear that he does want to marry me, he does want to spend the rest of his life with me and that he is working hard towards our goals. I know that it is going to happen and that he is not stringing me along so I can feel confidant in that I will not just be waiting around for him indefinitely.

This is why I think keeping quite about the proposal is actually detrimental to a relationship. We have always discussed marriage and been extremely upfront about what we want and when we want it. If I never asked my SO about marriage or he never brought it up we would still be sitting around wondering when this shit is going to happen. I think it would save a lot of people lost time, a lot of heartache and serious amounts of confusion if the two of you stay real with one another. I have NEVER tiptoed around the topic of marriage. I have NEVER worried that I was pushing him into something. If I cannot be honest and real with him then I don’t want to be with him.

If ladies would stop trying to “stay quiet” about the proposal and say when are we getting married and if you can’t answer that then are we ever going to get married, they would cut so much of the crap out of their relationship. If you cannot answer one of those right now then I am not going to sit around and wait for years and years for you to get your life together. It’s not an ultimatum it’s me asserting that I will not waste years of my life on someone who cannot at least say that they truly care about me and that we are going to get married when “this legitimate reason/problem” is solved.

If I asked my SO these questions and they could not give a reasonable answer then I would need to take control of my own life and move on. My heart breaks for the woman who spend years of their life wasted on some man who was never planning to marry them anyways. I think if we all stopped trying to spare their feelings, or their ego, or their stress, or whatever then we could stop stressing so heavily on whether he is ever going to marry us or not. I would most certainly leave a SO if after 2 or so years he could not answer whether he was thinking about marriage with me or not. I truly want to get married and have children and a family and if he does not share those same values then we are not on the same page to begin with.

Post # 14
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I would of walked at 5 years. Regardless of reasons- because I am not the kind of girl that would NEED a big wedding, a diamond ring, or a big poofy dress! Just 2 of us in a church would have been just  fine. So 5 years would have been my walking point. He proposed at the 2.5 year mark though.

Post # 15
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee

A preliminary topic/perspective that he must pass: be for marriage and willing to be married at some point (AKA NO timeline). If he passes that and isn’t against marriage, and there are no other “deal breakers,” then I wait.

My husband is amazing. I have adored and cherished him from the moment we became an actual couple. We was, and is, worth all the effort and heart in the world. Seriously. I’d rather have him and wait till we’re married then not have him at all. 

So, no, I wouldn’t walk away.

Post # 16
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

As others have already said, vastly differing ideas between partners on marriage is a big issue and indicates some fundamental differences in values.  I want to be a part of a family, and I won’t have children with someone I’m not married to. There are genetic health concerns I face that could potentially shorten my reproductive years significantly. I know that if SO dragged his feet so long that it made having a family with him no longer possible, I would likely feel incredibly hurt and resentful. I have a hard time seeing us surviving something like that, unless there were some pretty extenuating circumstances. I’ve also been very upfront about all of this to SO.

SO has said for a while now that he wants all of these same things I do, but he has not taken any action to make these things happen. As we are getting older, have been together for a significant period of time, and are both settling into careers after finishing grad school several years ago, there are no more ducks to line up. There are no more reasonable excuses.

For me, if there’s nothing standing in the way of getting the things you want, and you repeatedly refuse to act, then you’re not being honest with yourself/me. Honesty is another fundamental value I won’t compromise; I want a partner who has the strength to be honest, even when it may be difficult.

And largely what it is, is that I want a PARTNER. I don’t want to be with someone who has to be nudged/prodded/dragged through every life transition.

 

ETA: yes, I would walk away after much thought. It would be heartbreaking and incredibly difficult, but to do anything else would be suppressing my own needs/values in favor of his.

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