(Closed) Would you walk away?

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
858 posts
Busy bee

I would leave if it became clear that we didnt want the same thing. If it went on for a long time with no progress I would start to question whats going on but I dont think I would leave right away if it didnt happen right when he said it would because things do come up but if after a long time it doesnt happen then I would bring up the conversation about what we both want and go from there I would never just pick up and leave I couldnt do that to someone I love

Post # 18
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

If you’re not on the same page for future goals, it totally makes sense to walk away.

Post # 19
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I would never leave him for that reason alone (I was a waiting bee) however I did say I would not move with him unless we were engaged- I was willing to do a long distance relationship.

Now talking on a more hypothetical level: If I knew he would never want to get married to me or if he never wanted children then yes I would leave because our long term goals would not be compatible.

Post # 20
Member
3306 posts
Sugar bee

Really- it is about being compatible- if you want something (very important to you) that your boyfriend doesn’t… that creates a conflict in a relationship and instead of staying with the person and resenting them, why not find someone who is more inline with your life goals AND loves you- there isn’t just one person on this Earth to love. Dating experience tells you that.

Also- seriously- who wants the title of being a girlfriend forever. Call me selfish but I need the social and legal recognition and protections of being my SO’s “wife”. I figure if I am giving so much of myself for our relationship, I should be next of kin/ first in line for any decisions that WILL affect me should anything happen to my SO.

Post # 21
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I walked away from a boyfriend after six years of dating. He was all talk about marriage: how he could see us growing old together, still being each other’s best friends, etc., etc., but there were always reasons we couldn’t move forward right now. He even told me that he had considered proposing at our year and a half mark, but….. (well, gosh, now I can’t even *remember* what his reason was!!) For a very long time, I thought it was my fault that I wanted to get married, and I was a nag and in too much of a hurry. But after 6 years, I pretty much deduced that although he wouldn’t marry me, he didn’t want to be alone while he waited for the girl he did want to marry. He denied it, but it was suddenly so clear to me. The bottom line was I wanted to spend my life with him, until I realized that he only wanted to keep me around long enough to find the girl he was meant to be with forever. And if she didn’t show up, he would settle for me. So yes, I walked away after waiting for a very long time, even though we still loved each other.

And my instinct was spot on about him. He married his wife less than six months after the first time they laid eyes on each other.

So there were no ultimatums, no slamming doors, just a realization that wanting to get married (eventually) was not wrong, but he was the wrong guy for me, and we were wrong for each other due to this fundamental incompatability.

Post # 22
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee

Having Children and buying a house are importent things to me that I want to have. If SO doesn’t decide that he wants to have those things with me then thats that- I don’t need a man to have those things, but if someone wants to share their life with me, they have to love all parts of me. I don’t want to sacrifice my happiness and ideals for anyone! It;s my dream to have another baby boy and have a house of my own. My SO says it’s his dream too…so for now I wait 🙂

Post # 23
Member
5117 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@KJM2013: In our relationship, there was never an ultimatum (as in ‘do x by y or I’ll be out), but after many conversations about our life goals, our future plans, and our relationship, I let him know that after a certain # of years, I would be making ‘me decisions’ rather than ‘us decisions.’

I want to be a wife and a mother, and have the stability of owning a home in a marriage. I wouldn’t have left him at x time, but I would have started to make decisions that weighed more in favor of what I wanted, not what we wanted, because he hadn’t yet committed to we forever. We did get engaged before that timeframe, so it was really a non-issue, but the point of it all was that if we weren’t moving toward our shared and individual goals together, it would be time to start making the individual choices a priority.

Post # 24
Member
278 posts
Helper bee

Hey bees!

Before I met my boyfriend, I never thought I never wanted to get married to anyone.
I was the one in two different relationships walking away from both proposals and engagements. I never believed in weddings, and what it brings, I always thought it was suffice  being together for whatever. I already have a son, and his dad was all for it, but I knew it was never meant to be. In my current relationship I never felt more ready for marriage, it hit me like a thunder and well, I was the one waiting now, and it’s a pain, least to say! I have been waiting for a ring and a proposal for six months, and we talk about the wedding all the time. No problems there, we know where this is heading! And he hasn’t proposed yet, but church and venue is done for, and planning is set for the big day. We are just doing it the other way around.

One thing that I don’t understand that, if two people really love eachother it should not matter, you should stick together. I do understand if one person in a relationship wants to get married, I am in that position myself now. Then again there are some bad, mean boys out there just dragging girls along.. so well.. It’s hard to say.. I just think that when going into a relationship, you should be clear about this when entering it with your dreams and what you want in life. Being in waiting is not easy, but again, a marriage is not easy all the times. I hope this helps you out a bit!

Post # 25
Member
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I would not wait. If he really loved me then he would want to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. If I want marriage and he doesn’t then we are not compatible or if I want it soon and he doesn’t. You have to want the same things in life. and what if you wait and wait and he never asks. If money or finishing an education was the issue then I would wait but only for a practical reason like that. I have also had a very long engagement and I would prefer that if we weren’t in the right situation to get married because at least I would know where things were going. This is MPO for my own life and is not meant to offend anyone or judge anyone’s life choices.

Post # 26
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

At this moment in time, I can’t imagine leaving my SO. I do want to marry him and go on to have children and he says he wants that too. If we dont get engaged in the next few years than I guess we need to have that conversation.

Post # 27
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@KJM2013: I feel like i was in a similar situation. Me and my fiance had been dating for 6 years and he still had not proposed. I feel that the best way to deal with this is to communicate with him, ask him what his plans are for your future together. Get an idea of what he is thinking, and if he doesnt see marriage in your future then I would leave. It is a waste of time to be with someone who doesnt want to move in the same direction as you.

Post # 28
Member
2689 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

For me, I wouldn’t leave my SO even if he never proposed, that’s not to say that I don’t want to get married, because I do, but marriage isn’t a priority I guess is the best way to put it. The actual “being married” part is just a piece of paper, and to be honest, we could literally go to the courthouse today and sign it and I don’t think a thing would change.

But, I know that marriage is a big issue for some women. They want to be married before they have children or just plain marriage is a priority for them. For these women, leaving men who refuse to propose is a definite must.

Post # 29
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

We dated for 7 years before getting engaged at 25. We’ll be together 8 years by the time we get married next year. We’ve known for the past 4 we wanted to get married but we just weren’t really ready at the time.

 

I waited because I knew he was the right person. So, my advice is that I’m fairly certain you know when to stay and when to walk.

Post # 30
Member
3798 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I knew my Fiance was right for me, but in order for me to keep living with him after a certain amount of time, he needed to propose. I did not see how I would be being fair and true to myself if I created a home with someone and made a life with them without serious commitment. I was very up front with him before we moved in together that if he did not think he would be proposing within the next few years, then I would move out.

I got criticized for this, but truthfully, I think it took a lot of pressure off of us because 1. he knew exactly what I expected and needed for me to stay, and 2. there was no guesswork for me and no difficult conversation 3 years down the road when he finally lets out that he isnt sure he wants marriage. We both knew what we were headed for, and if he didn’t agree with it from the get go, we would not have moved in together. He wound up proposing near my deadline.

When I told him about how I needed this commitment, he knew it was because I didn’t want a big wedding and a day ‘all about me’. It was that I needed a promise from him that we are working towards a life together and permanency. He understood that and it worked out in the end. I know this wouldn’t work for everyone, but it worked for us. I don’t regret what I did, and when I read about the agony that some women go through surrounding this topic, I feel secure in my decision to be forthright from the very beginning.

Post # 31
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
@soyjoy222: This is me excactly as well. I moved in with SO before marriaige only it was an LDR and it was easier for us together, but I told him it needs to happen within our lease or when it ends I will move out alone.

I have a lot of comfort. I know my SO and I know he loves me. He respects my wishes and beliefs and I know an e-ring is coming 😉

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