(Closed) Would you want to know…

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
3363 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Oh I don’t know if I would want to try this!  And if they give you, say, five years, are you supposed to stick it out? 

 

Post # 4
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I wouldn’t want to know, simply because deep down, I don’t believe in that theory, but at the same time, hearing we wouldn’t last would, well, put a huge damper on things.

I know, I’m weird.

Relationships change and evolve over time, and the last-factor is based on how comitted you are  to the relationship. Of course, people just never know what’s going to happen, but I truly believe my husband and I will be together for the rest of our lives. I don’t want some dude telling me otherwise.

Post # 5
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

i think that would just jinx things. no one can predict the future, but they can tell you something based on statistics.. But i bet the statistics of people being told by an “expert” that their relationship will fail would show that these people fail more often b/c someone in charge told them so.

Post # 6
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I haven’t read Blink, but I did read this article a few weeks ago about that guy’s studies.  They’re actually really bad methodology – basically he interviews a bunch of people, then years later finds out which ones divorced.  After the fact, he determined what the ones that divorced said and makes that his model.  Rather than devising a model and testing how valid it is in the future.

Theoretically, I’m an anxiety case so I probably would want to know stuff like that, but still… definite bias if someone tells you something’s not going to work.

Post # 7
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think part of it could be a self fulfilling prophecy.  If someone told you that you weren’t going to last, maybe you are less likely to work it out when problems happen (as they do with all relationships).

Post # 8
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’ve read a lot about the methodology problems with this guy’s studies, so I’m not sure I would be interested in seeing our relationship tested.

However, I do take his advice rather seriously. If you could boil it down, his POV is that mutual respect and affection are the best predictors of success. If you are on your spouse’s side, even when you are disagreeing,  you are far more likely to survive as a couple.

On the other hand, I think that there is a lot more to a relationship that is hard to control. The divorce rates for people who lose a child are really high, for example, and people with major money problems are also more likely to divorce. This points to the fact that we are all human, and stress does terrible things. The best you can do is figure out what you can control in your relationship, and work hard on that.

Post # 9
Member
252 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009 - Eastside Catholic Chapel and Lake Union Cafe

I don’t think I’d want to know.  What we hear could affect the way we behave.  Maybe in knowing it wouldn’t work out, we’d harder than we need to or not try at all because we’d be “doomed.”

Post # 10
Member
1032 posts
Bumble bee

Oh I would be confident in our working out, but at the same time… its just one man’s opinion, and nerves could adjust your results if you trust him, and hearing you will last or you won’t can change your behavior after the test. We have such a great relationship I would hate for it to change because of what someone else theorizes, it could cause over comfort or too much anxiety. No way, but its interesting!

Post # 11
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2010

blink is by malcolm gladwell.  He is awesome. I loved this book.  I found it to be about going with your gut instinct rather than what you believe you see.  Very persecptive stuff too!

Post # 12
Member
818 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I’ve read Blink. The theory about the couples is quite interesting and I found it to be valid. If you are married to somebody and speak to them with contempt and discount their views (even unintentionally and just with body language), I don’t think your marriage would last long. I would want to know because then the behaviors could be changed before the relationship is totally destroyed.

Post # 13
Member
2144 posts
Buzzing bee

I wouldn’t mind being told, but I generally wouldn’t put much weight into what someone else said about me and Darling Husband. Besides, maybe being told of a problem, before we realize it when it’s too late, maybe it would give us a chance to work on things and fix it before our marriage went south. But I really wouldn’t have any worries. All the statistics basically say we are doomed to failure, but I don’t believe those either!

Post # 14
Member
510 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I don’t know…I’ve never read the book, but I think i’d like to know…not because I want someone to predict my future, but because i’d want to know if the slight behaviors or the little things we do that we might not be conscious of hurt or help our relaitonship.  It might do us some good to see that if I get on the phone as he’s about to say something, it really bothers him, or that my deep sigh really isn’t as bad as he thinks it is…like @joeswifey said, i’d rather correct behaviors before they become a bigger problem than they really need to be.

Post # 15
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

I wouldn’t really buy it. I’m sure some of the things are often true (i.e., your relationship is less likely to work out if you don’t speak respectfully to each other, but I can’t see it being accurate much of the time. 

Post # 16
Member
695 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I would not want to know, and I also have serious doubts about the accuracy of such  predictions.

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