Post # 1
long story short:
my in-laws are going to be selling the family home and retire to florida in about 3-5 years and they would really love to keep it in the family. The most logical people to buy the house would be my husband and I. We would be able to afford it, the house is bright, open, enough bedrooms, and in a fabulous location and the best school district in the city. In the basement there is an aparement that is a great size and has a walk out to the backyard.
My inlaws ideal plan is for us to buy the house, then when they didn’t want to be in Florida 3-4 months of out the year they would live in the basement of the family home. They have already talked extensively about what kind of large renovations they would do if they were to take over the basement apartment to make it livable for them.
Luckily both my in-laws are in great health and really want to do this to be close to their family
But, I’m having a few issues:
1. I’m not sure if the family home would ever feel like mine and my husband’s. To me, I think it would always feel like my in-laws house and since my mother in law especially is so attached to this house I feel anything we would change I think she would have some sort of opinion on
2. I really like my in-laws but I find my mother-in-law extremely nosy and extremely overbearing. I know its because she really really cares but I’m not sure if I would want to deal with that for such long periods of time in the year.
3. I’m not sure how I feel about a mutli-generational home to be honest. I know in someways it would be great but in others ways I would like my husband and our future kids to have our own space and I think our own family life would slightly different with our in laws around… it would be a different dynamic.
Luckily my husband completely understands my reservations and either way he will be happy with the decision that we agree on. But I do think he would like to buy the family home.
I’d love to hear others’ opinions!
Post # 2
It sounds awful to me, for all of the reasons you’ve mentioned.
Post # 3
Would your in-laws consider renting the home to you for a year or two and living 3-4 months in the basement apartment so everyone involved can see if it’s likely to work out? If it’s in a great school district for your kids and this arrangement doesn’t pan out, you’ll be even more familiar with the area and can start looking at other homes to possibly purchase within the same district. It may also send a semi-subtle message to Mother-In-Law that she has to help make this work as well & will have to help establish and respect boundaries. Would they be contributing toward the household expenses the months they are there? Hopefully they will expect to take on their share of expenses and not be treated like extended guests? It’s great that you and your husband have great communication skills to act like a team on this.
Post # 4
futuremrspesci: ABSOULETY NOT. hard pass.
We once had FRIENDS stay with us for 3 months because we were helping them out when they were selling/buying a house. Longest three months of my life. It’s your place, but it doesn’t feel like it after the first few weeks.
We have a limit for houseguests now – one week max. After that, get a hotel, even (especially) family.
Nope. I love my family but I do not want to be near them 24/7. I don’t even want to live down the street from them. I need my space.
Post # 5
I would never even consider this. It’s just asking for problems and stress!
Post # 6
futuremrspesci: tricky situatio. Having their own space is a must. I would say before any decisions are made have the conversation about renovations that will make it your home with your style, and also about having your space while they are visiting.
Being a host for months at a time will wear on anyone. and you don’t want to feel uncomfortable in your own home
Post # 7
Nope. I would keep my life separate from theirs. Occasional visits (and perhaps weekly visits if they lived in the same city) would be fine, but I would want to have my own separate life with my husband and kids.
Post # 8
I couldn’t imagine sharing a home with my in-laws, even if it was part of the year. We all live in the same city and that’s close enough for me. I would have the exact same feelings as you, there’s something about having your own home and having it feel like it is completely yours.
Post # 9
would your in laws “rent” the apartment from you for those few months each year? I guess I don’t really see the point of having a separate apartment if you cant ever lease it because if your inlaws.
Post # 10
Now, different circumstances, but my brother lived in my basement for 6 months while he was getting established in the same city we lived in. The basement had no bathroom and no kitchen so he had to use ours. We were pretty well able to keep out of eachother’s hair. But that is one person, not two, and my brother has never been particularly nosey or trying to get into our business. He is also 24 and lives off of ordered pizza, so didn’t take over my kitchen.
That said, DH’s parents a few years ago were talking about moving to another state because a major university was interviewing DH’s dad for a job. The possiblity of buying their house came up and Darling Husband and I had a long talk about it. There were a few ground rules that we were going to set up, such as that the parents didn’t get a say in anything we changed.
DH’s dad didn’t get that job but they are talking about moving to another state again now that they are both retired and selling the house. They want to spend part of the year in our city, and I have been pretty clear with Darling Husband that they would not be living with us every year. Unlike my brother, they would want to be using our kitchen all the time, and we are trying to start a family and I don’t want interference in that.
Honestly, my answer would probably be no, but I would be open for a test run since the place has a full appartment in the basement (can you lock the door between their space and what would be your space?)
Post # 11
futuremrspesci: nooooo thank you. I love my in laws but there’s no way and no how I’d consider this.
Post # 12
I guess I’m the minority here but I would do it. Like you said, it’s in a great location and has the best schools. The house sounds perfect and it’s not like they would be living in the bedroom next to you, they would have their own apartment, and would only be there 3-4 months out of the year. Their walkout basement door would become their private entrance, and you could even go as far as making a pathway to the driveway so it seems more like a seperate entity. Add a patio and some nice furniture so they can sit out there at night and enjoy their time. Get a seperate washer and dryer and make sure that the kitchen is just like a real one, and not a smalll scaled down version. Your future children will have the opportunity to get to know their grandparents that live in Florida most of the time, and you would have help if you need it. Set ground rules like having seperate lives during the day, but enjoying dinner together a few times a week. Make sure any connecting doors have locks on them and the floor/ceiling is soundproof. Let your Mother-In-Law know that you respect the history of the house, but would like to make it your own. However, try to keep some little things the same, such as a wall that has kids doodles or your husband’s height knotched into it. Ask her her what she would love to see stay because of memories. Make her feel like you are really thinking about them.
Post # 13
I agree with kaitie: You can make this house a home for you by making some renovations. Once it is yours as long as you dont bulldoze it over Mother-In-Law really cant be mad with the decisions you make. I would take some nice pics of the before to hang up to pay homage to how the home has changed over the years and keep it moving. 3-4 months out of the year you will have extra help with the kids and may be a nice and welcomed change of pace. Im sure your inlaws will want to spend a lot of time with their grands. And if they feel otherwise they probably will not visit as much as they plan.
Post # 14
futuremrspesci: Given what you’ve said about your in-laws, and especially about your Mother-In-Law, it sounds like the house is not worth the headache of them living with you for 3-4 months out of the year. My dad’s parents lived with our family for ~20 years FT and 6 months out of the year for ~10 years until they passed away, and my late grandma sounds like your Mother-In-Law. The arrangement made my mom really unhappy for decades because of how my grandma treated her and how she acted like she was the lady of the house in my parents’ home. I wouldn’t consider this idea for a hot second if I were you. There are plenty of other beautiful houses out there for your family that don’t come with baggage.
Post # 15
This is a really, really bad idea.