Post # 1
I have two older sisters. When my eldest sister got married my mom was very hurt that her dress that she had preserved was not even considered in being worn. My other sister bought her own dress and used the excuse that she was too big to use mom’s dress (okay she sort of is). My mom was devastated.
When I saw how hurt she was I just couldn’t go out and buy my own dress, even though I wanted something poofy and princessey.. Her dress isn’t horrible..the detail and bust is very nice, but the sleeves are so.. dated. When I hinted at having the sleeves altered and she said that’s what makes the dress. Am I caring too much about my moms feelings here? On one hand it will be MY wedding but on the other hand I don’t have many friends so it will most likely be a very small family wedding.. so what does it matter anyway.
What would you do? Alter or keep the way it is? If alter, how?
Post # 3
If you are going to use it, alter the sleeves. I think your mum would be pretty unreasonable if she got upset about that. After all, this is your wedding and your style.. its lovely that you want to honour her at all in this way.
Post # 4
I think your Mom needs to understand that she had her turn pciking out a dress, loving it and making some wonderful memories. I think you’re entitled to do the same, every bride is!
What worries me is she doesn’t seem to enthused about you wanting to alter it. Which could lead to a lot more stress for you and her down the line. You don’t want a dress to get in the middle of you and your Mom and if you use her dress, there’s a possibility it’ll go down that route – whereas if you don’t use it, she’ll be hurt but she’ll get over it (your sisters paved the way for you).
I think it’ll be tricky using her dress because she obviously loves it and likes it the way it is. She might convince you to have everything her way … resentment will kick in!
If you still want to use it, you need to be very clear with your intentions about altering it. If she’s hesitant, then I think you should find your own dress to love.
Post # 5
I’d wear it buy totally remove the sleeves under that there seems to be a very pretty dress. I think if she wants you to wear her dress there needs to be a compromise to make it your own too
Post # 6
I’d pull a Lorelai Gilmore if my mom wanted me to wear hers. 😉
So – no I wouldn’t wear it to avoid hurting my moms feelings. :/ My mom had her day and her own dress, I should have that too.
Post # 7
alter it for a rehearsal or reception departure dress and get the dress you want for the wedding
Post # 8
@Vitsippa: The difference between each sister rejecting it is that there was always another daughter, until it got down to me, so me rejecting it would be a heartbreaker and I couldn’t deal with that.
Okay I understand now that I’ve been too wishy washy with hints about altering. If she want’s me to use it the sleeves are coming off and I’ll have to be frank with her. Thanks. And I’m sure I could fit a petticoat under that sucker to achieve my more poofy vision.
I am clueless when it comes to alterations. I always knew I wanted the sleeves off but never thought much about my options past that!
Post # 9
Honestly, I would just tell her that you want to find your own dress. Wearing your mother’s dress is something that should be special and heartfelt for BOTH of you, not something you do because you’re the last resort after your sisters.
Just take her dress shopping and make sure to include her in the process as much as possible. Please don’t wear it because you feel obligated. This is the dress that’s going to be in YOUR pictures of YOUR wedding and YOU are going to be looking back in regret in 30 years… not her. It’s fairly obvious you are trying to force yourself to be alright with it out of love for your mom, but in the end your mother wants you to be happy.
Post # 10
@zippylef: I completely agree.
As a PP said, your mom got to choose her dream dress and you should choose your dream dress too.
It’s very kind of you to want to please her, but I don’t feel you owe her this. And I think it’s a bit unfair for her to put this kind of pressure on you.
Post # 11
NO way. I would be straight-up. “Mom, while your dress is lovely it’s going to look very out of place in my wedding. I want something that fits me and my style and personality.”
I think women always hope their daughter(s) will wear their dress one day; that’s why they justify the money spent on it and preserving it. It NEVER happens. Don’t feel bad!!!!
Post # 12
I think it’s nice that you’re trying to avoid hurting her feelings….but what is she doing to preserve your own feelings of getting to select a dress of your dreams? Especially since your vision of your dream dress is so far off from what her dress is? Personally I think the fact that she is “devestated” over her daughters not wanting to wear her dress is pretty selfish…like PPs said, she got to choose the dress she wanted, why shoudln’t her daughters do the same? I think it’s a little narrow-minded that she expected one of you to wear her dress, especially since it is such a dated look (especially with the sleeves). I woudln’t feel bad…my mom wore her mom’s dress, but told me flat out: I do NOT expect you to wear it (it was satin and from the 30s, long sleeved, but sleek. It’s lovely, but very much not my style). As a way to honor my mom and my grandmother and the dress they got married in, we’re having a section of the fabric cut off to wrap my bouquet in. Then we’re cutting five other peices of fabric the same way so each of my girl cousins can do the same thing on their wedding day. none of us had any intention of wearing it, and no one pushed us to do so.
The short answer? yes, you’re caring too much about your mom’s feelings, when she should be caring about yours too. She is taking it a little bit too personally and it is pretty unreasonable to automatically expect your daughters to want to wear your dress/have the same style as you. You want something poofy and princessy…and your moms dress definitely isn’t that, even without the sleeves. Think of how you’re giving up the only opportunity in your life to go try on dresses and have taht special moment. Why wouldn’t your mom want that for you?
Post # 13
I agree with PPs, you’re way too concerned about your mom’s feelings & she’s being a bit unreasonable. Alter it and wear it for your rehearsal dinner but don’t feel pressured to wear it as your wedding dress just because she would be hurt.
Post # 14
I think it is very unfair of women to expect their daughters to wear their dress. After all, didn’t these moms get to go out and have the experience of trying on and picking out their dresses? Why do they not want their daughters to get to do the same?I preserved my dress and would love for a future daugther to wear it, but I know that is pretty unlikely, and I’d probably rather go along for the fun of trying on dresses anyway. Did your mom have a veil, headpiece, or something else you could wear?
Do not let your mom push you into wearing a dress you don’t love, simply to placate her feelings.
@GreenEyedMoon took her mom’s dress and did bridal portraits in it, then altered to wear as her rehearsal dress – which was a really neat thing to do and the dress looked adorable…….but it sounds like your mom is pretty deadset against alterations, at which point I’d say ‘thanks, but no thanks’.
Post # 15
Nope. I hate to say it but your mother already had her day. This is one of the biggest days of your life, and should be about what you want, not about pleasing your mother. The dress is one of the biggest things, and you should be able to wear what you want to wear. Your mother may be sad about it, but she should remember that this is ultimately your day. Many mothers save their dresses in hopes that their daughters will one day wear them but the reality is that styles change, and something your mother loved 20 something years ago isn’t exactly what you picture yourself in today.
Post # 16
My mom was a bit upset that I didn’t want to wear hers. I ended up getting pictures taken in it, then getting it altered and wearing it for the rehearsal dinner. You can see the pictures/alteration journey here and the dress in action at the rehearsal dinner here. On my wedding day, I wore her veil. I think I ended up getting the best of both worlds.
Your mom is insane if she won’t let you alter the sleeves.
EDIT: lol, @hisgoosiegirl: already beat me to it.