(Closed) Would you wear your mom’s dress to avoid her hurt feelings?

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

ok so my mom didnt ask me if i wanted to wear her dress, but i did find a good solution that maybe would work for you. my Darling Husband and i asked our moms if we could showcase their wedding dresses at the reception. we rented dress forms and put their wedding dresses on display (with easels next to them with our parent’s wedding picture). it was a fun way to show off both our mom’s dresses and people really thought it was unique. hope this helps you get out of your dilemma. you really deserve to have YOUR dress (whichever it may be) 🙂

(this is a picture of my mom’s dress and my parent’s picture. MIL’s was on the other side of our candy buffet table)

Post # 18
Member
2153 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Didn’t read through previous posts-I think it’s SO sweet that you’re trying to please your mom. But, you only get one wedding day! I would not consider compromising my own happiness, to make someone else happy (unless it were my fiance) on my wedding day. Your mom needs to understand that times and styles change, and you need to experience your own wedding dress shopping and your own dress-I feel like it’s a right of passage 😉 If you don’t want to wear it, don’t. It’s YOUR day, not your mom’s. Ultimately, you need to make sure you and your Fiance are ecstatic that day, that’s it. I’m sure you’ll have to be gentle in telling her, but you shouldn’t miss out on something so special just to avoid hurting her feelings. JUst my opinion. Good luck

Post # 19
Member
747 posts
Busy bee

I would wear the dress if it made my mom really happy, but would alter the sleeves for sure. She should understand that! Just sit her down and explain it to her, that it’s not your style and it’s either no dress or dress with no sleeves.

Post # 20
Member
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

 My mom wouldn’t come out and say it directly, but she definitely would have loved for me to wear hers or at least her veil. I have come up with a solution I think she’ll love though. When I get my bridal portraits made, I’m going to change into her dress and veil for a few professional pics and have one framed for her as a surprise wedding gift. Maybe you could do something like that?

Post # 21
Member
9028 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

No I would not wear my moms wedding dress just to make her happy. her dress was beautiful at the time she got married and considering I got married over 20 years later I chose a dress that was current.  I wouldnt ask my mom to wear one of my outfits just to make me happy so it goes both ways

Post # 22
Member
1352 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I was lucky, my moms wedding dress was stolen out of their car that night so I never was confronted with this LOL! I don’t think it’s fair to make you feel guilty about this… have you tried it on? Maybe she’s thinking in her mind it will look amazing and then  when you put it on she’ll see that it doesn’t.  I would try it on and then tell her you want to go look at other dresses also… maybe when she sees you glowing in what you really want she’ll realize it’s unfair to ask her to wear her dress.

Post # 23
Member
3261 posts
Sugar bee

If you got rid of the sleeves, the dress would look great. My mom didn’t have a wedding, but I doubt I’d wear her dress if it existed.. she wouldn’t get upset over it either. Styles change.

Post # 24
Member
5656 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

I think your mom needs to at least be willing to compromise with you. If you are going to wear this dress, I think it would be fair to have the sleeves removed/altered to fit better with today’s style. Also, maybe you could put a petticoat under the skirt to make it more poofy?

If you really do not want to wear it, I think you should get your own dress. You could always have some bridal photos done of you in her dress if that would make her happy.

Post # 25
Member
219 posts
Helper bee

@TigerFanRN  I really like this idea. It would give her the honour of having you in her dress but would allow you to have your own dress as well.

Alternatively, but along the same lines, you could pull a Kate Middleton and wear her dress (alter the sleeves) for the ceremony and have your own dress for the reception (or visa versa).

 

You could make the sleeves into a cap sleeve, I think that dress would work well with something like this:

Post # 26
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m not a “I’m a bride and this is all about me” type person, but I would stand up to my mom. My own has mentioned a few times wearing hers. We looked at it together and I gave her a few reasons why it wasn’t what I had in mind. She accepted it and we moved on. I wouldn’t have given in to her, even if she hadn’t. Styles change drastically and I could never see myself in that style of dress. I wouldn’t give in on this one if I was in your poition.

Post # 27
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

No. Just no. Your Mom AND sisters have had the joy of picking out their own dress, am I missing something here that you are not worthy of that same feeling?

Post # 28
Member
1866 posts
Buzzing bee

@bloodtipped:  You are so very sweet to be so considerate of your mother’s feelings!  Seriously, you’re being a great daughter.  However – and I mean no disrespect at all to your mother – I feel that she is being really selfish.  She should want you to be happy and you should get the dress that makes YOU happy.  The other day I told my FH I have every intention of selling my wedding dress after the wedding (It’s a Monique so I need to get back all the money that I can on it!) and he said, don’t you want our future daughter to wear it someday?  And I said I highly doubt she will want to, by then it will be so dated!  

Maybe you sit down and have a very serious, meaningful conversation with your mom and tell her how you feel.  Maybe you could somehow incorporate a part of the dress in your own dress – using the material somehow?  Or you could incorporate a part of the material in her dress as something to wrap your bouquet in?

Post # 29
Member
11484 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I am someone who really cares about the feelings of others, and I would never encourage you to do something to willfully hurt your mom’s feelings. However, I agree with pps that what your mother is asking you to do is just not right. It’s one thing for a mother to offer her dress to her daughter and to even hope that her daughter wears it.  It is another thing entirely to be “devastated” at the thought that none of her daughters will ever wear her gown and to insist that her youngest daughter wear it now that the two elder daughters have passed up the opportunity to do so.

Just as some brides tend to make things “all about me,” your mother is, unfortunately, trying to make this decision “all about her.”  As nice a person as I’m sure your mother is, she really is being very selfish and insensitive about this. And she really does need to see that.

It would be one thing if this were an issue of lack of funds, and your parents were saying to you, “Honey, I’m so sorry, but we don’t have money for a gown for you.  The only dress we can provide is this one.”  That would allow you to say, “That’s OK. I’m fine with purchasing my own gown.”  This is all about sentimentality for your mother. And, there’s nothing wrong with being sentimental — until it becomes about controlling others. Because of your mother’s sentimentality, I am thinking that she would rather you NOT wear the dress (and upset her) than decide to alter it, because, if you alter it, then it won’t BE her dress any longer, and she won’t be able to take it out and look at it or even try it on again herself. I think any attempt to touch this dress would NOT be a good idea.

Instead, I think some pps had the right idea for you.  What IF you decided to have some bridal portraits taken in your mom’s gown and present them to her as a gift.  I’m sure she would love nothing more than to have a beautiful, framed pic of this somewhere in her home.  And, the idea that a pp noted — of offering to display your mom’s gown along with your FMIL’s (if applicable) at your reception is also a nice sentiment.  You mom may not even like this idea, but she would certainly have to appreciate the love you would be showing by making such an offer.

Finally, maybe there is something that your mom wore at her wedding (the pearl necklace, the earrings?) that you may actually want to wear with a new gown that YOU are able to select? And, if ALL else fails, perhaps you can convince her that fashions come and go in cycles and that the big, puffy sleeves of the 1980s just are NOT something that women are wearing right now for their bridal gowns. However, perhaps that look may return in the future, maybe when one of her granddaughters is ready to marry.

I wish you the best. You really should be able to choose a dress that YOU love.

Post # 30
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

No way… my mom said she would love it if I wore hers, but she certainly did not expect that I do so.  I think you would really regret not being able to have the experience of finding “your” dress and that emotional experience of feeling like a bride and perhaps sharing that experience with your mom….

I wish you a lot of luck.  I hope you make the right choice for you…. 🙂

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