(Closed) Would you/DH say something? (long)

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think it’s something you have to get over, and also have to resist reading too much into. There’s not always an obvious reason to why people give the gifts that they do, and while the only way to find out why SIL gets a teapot or a gravy boat and you get a watch would be to ask Mother-In-Law, that has huge potential to hurt her feelings. For all you know, there’s a tradition in her family or her social circle that the first son to marry and the first daughter to marry get gifts like that, and everyone after gets regular gifts.

Post # 5
Member
3375 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I think he should say something. If it was my parents I would say something! I’m pretty open with my family about things like that.

But to answer your question, my Darling Husband wouldn’t say anything at all because he doesn’t like to rock the boat. He’d rather I be unhappy than his parents. Err!

Post # 6
Member
3375 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

ahh reading your 2nd response. Normally the youngest child gets everything, normally like 2x more than older siblings have gotten (at least in my experience).

If he wants to say something, he should.

Post # 7
Member
494 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think he should say something.  He can just ask “Hey, why didn’t we get those Denby dishes like everyone else did?” and admit that he was a bit hurt by it.  These aren’t just random wedding guests who didn’t give a gift – they are his PARENTS!!  I think he has the right to at least mention it to them.

Post # 9
Member
14443 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’d say let him say something if hes bothered by it. It’s his parents, he should be able to be open to them.

Post # 10
Member
10288 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

It’s something that you have to get over even though it does seem a bit unfair. Then again, I say this as an only child. In DH’s family, everything is pretty much equal between him and his brother. His parents gifted us with the same amount & tangible gifts that they gifted his brother and his wife with a few years prior. I know I shouldn’t have expected the same things that they received but I guess I kind of did since I know how the gift giving dynamic works in his family.

Post # 12
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I understand where you’re coming from. My DH’s older brother received presents and money from my mil and we didn’t even get a card. It’s upsetting and extremely unfair, but I would suggest just letting it go.

Post # 13
Member
2711 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would let him say something since it’s his parents and not some random wedding guests.  I find it strange that both older siblings got the dishes AND Mother-In-Law asked you which pattern you liked and you got nothing.  I don’t think either of you is being gift grabby – it just sounds like there is an unfairness amongst the siblings and I don’t blame you and your H for being hurt. 

 

Post # 14
Member
10288 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

@SarahSmilesDec28:  If he’s comfortable saying something then he should but that totally depends on the kind of dynamic he has with his parents. My family is incredibly sarcastic. I can go as far as to insult someone but as long as there’s a twinge of humor in my voice, it’s no biggie (and trust me, they dish it right back). If he has an open relationship with his parents and then can laugh about this kind of stuff then it’s worth a try.

With that said, are you sure this is something that you want to receive for the next however many years for every gift giving holiday? I only ask because my SIL made the mistake of telling my Mother-In-Law that she “kinda liked” her stupid Christmas village (sorry to those who like them) and now she gets a new piece as her gift every year. While I’m opening my spa gift certificates and things that I actually like and use, she’s opening the post office or library that match the village that she has on display for a few weeks a year. Deep down, I’m pretty sure she regrets ever opening her mouth. lol 

Post # 15
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Really each family has its own dynamic.  In some families, the youngest gets the short end of the stick. In my family it’s the middle (me) because my brother was first and is the only boy, and my sister is the baby.  When you really look at it though, it doesn’t matter. It’s first off not fair for any of us to compare ourselves to our siblings; we are all different people, and our parents, no matter how hard (or not) they try, will not love us identically, nor will they gift us identically.  We’re not clones and our parents are not robots, and we just have to get used to these facts.

It’s also really not cool to compare our gifts with our siblings.  It’s wrong on so many levels but mostly because these gifts are bought with your parents’ money and it’s up to them to decide how best to spend it.  If my mom wants to give my sister a trip to Paris and give me a rock, I’d be annoyed and disappointed and a little jealous, of course— but I’d NEVER have the nerve to question my mother about it, any more than I expect to be questioned when I give more generous gifts to my sister than I give my brother.

You have a right to your feelings, and if you feel disappointed, that is perfectly reasonable. But I think it’s unreasonable to go any further than the “feelings” stage. 

Post # 16
Member
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I can understand his feelings I am the youngest and have had similar feelings thougout life where my other 2 siblings were given and provided for when I was not! 

If I was him I think I would ask it in a question format – more nonchelant like it does NOT bother him because if this is what they are trying to acheive then he will come away ‘pride’ intact if he gives no indication of his hurt feelings… so I would say something like “hey is there a delay on the Denby set pattern that insert your name picked out”? 

To me it backs them into a corner to have to answer and makes him appear that he is ignorant to their behaviour…. they will then be in a position to HAVE to answer what their intention is and if they decline to buy one he could then bring up his feelings to them if he wishes or otherwise (as I have done many times) look surpirsed that you ‘misunderstood’ their intention to buy and thank them for their already gift to you both and walk off. 

At the end of the day what matters is how we react to the actions of others, so even though they may hurt us inside keep your head up – purchase the set yourselfs and make sure you invite them over for dinner when you do…. and of course make sure to mention to her as you serve her – Don’t you just LOVE this set that I showed you.. I’m so pleased I bought it…..LOL  🙂

Families!!!

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