(Closed) Writing my will, would you leave your child to his/her stepfather?

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2512 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

This is such a tricky situation. I think it really depends on their relationship and how long you have been together.

Personally, I can’t even think about this yet because we aren’t married and according to my daughter (who is only 5) my Fiance will not be her daddy till we get married lol.

I think if I died at this very moment, custody would go to my parents.

 

Post # 4
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t have a child, but this makes perfect sense to me.  I am guessing your family is worried that if something happened to you, they would lose ties to Mr. A and to your daughter.  But rationally and emotionally, it makes no sense to take a child away from her home and the parent who is raising her because he is not biologically related.

Post # 5
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

 I think in your case, that you are doing the right thing.  I mean, he’s adopting her for cripes sake, why wouldn’t your family expect him to keep her if something happened to you??  Would they feel the same way if he were her “real” father (and honestly, from the things you have told us, he IS her real father, bio dad is just a sperm donor!)? Seriously, if you are 100% firm on the decision, then trust yourself, and your family will come around eventually once they can continue to see he has her best interests at heart.

Personally, if I were in your shoes, I would do the same thing. Adopting someone else’s child means that you are choosing to be their parent, and you want to be able to take care of them like a parent should. 

Post # 6
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Honestly no matter what, no matter how long I was with a guy– I don’t know that I’d write a will and give him full custody without at least stating that my parents had a right to visit the child at least x times/year. You have no idea what the circumstances could be at the time of your (hopefully only hypothetical!) death and what drama might occur between your parents and your husband. I think grandparents have a right to at least visit with their grandchildren and I’d want to protect that right. 

Post # 8
Member
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I have been with my Fiance for just over three years and we don’t have children together but I do have two daughters ages 19 and almost 11. If I were to die, my youngest is old enough to choose who she wanted to be with so I don’t know if I would even specify at this point. If she was younger, however, she would go with her step father.

Post # 9
Member
2512 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@SoontobeMrsA: ya man if she is calling him dad, you are doing the right thing. Sometimes that can be hurtful to grandparents, but it is what would be right.

 

Hopefully this is something you will never have to worry about though.

Post # 10
Member
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@CorgiTales: I absolutely agree with this one. When I was married previously, I stated in a will that he didn’t know about that the girls were to go with my parents and that if they didn’t for some reason, they were to be allowed monthly access to them and full rights to call/write or whatever whenever they wanted to. I also had to cite a mountain of abuse that I was enduring so if he killed me, everyone would know what kind of man he was.

Post # 12
Member
7779 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I totally agree with your decision. You guys have been together since she was pretty little, right? Plus, he’s adopting her and she sees him as her dad. All reasons to give him custody in the event of your death.

Post # 14
Member
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@SoontobeMrsA: I am glad that’s all you feel because it was SO hard thinking that he would kill me (his abuse of choice was choking) and have custody of my daughters (one his, one mine). I think that in the majority of cases it is perfectly reasonable to allow your husband to have custody should anything happen to you. If you didn’t think that your daughter would be safe with him, you wouldn’t be marrying him in the first place!

Post # 15
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@tranquility:

I have to agree with you. Every relationship is different. I was just talking to a friend the other day about guardianship. And I think the key thing for me is will this person (whether it’s her step  dad, grandma, your brother, friend, cousin) love your child like they are their child. I’m not talking about just loving them. I am talking about emotionally loving them like they are their child. Everything is fair, there is no favoritism between them and their own biological child (generally speaking).

I think the other thing you have to consider is what if your Fiance remarries after your (hopefully never!) death? Will the needs of your child supersede the need of this future imaginary person? Their relationship? Can you 1000% trust that he will not just default back to your parents?

@SoontobeMrsA:

On the note of a will. How does this work? Does a lawyer have to sign it to legalize it?

My husband and I have been thinking about this and in the next couple months we will be getting this in order.

ETA: I, 100% believe this is your decision and your decision only.

Post # 16
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@SoontobeMrsA: I think it makes sense in your case because they will be her family. I’d add the visitation stuff just to appease your family but if your FH has a good relationship with them then it shouldn’t be any different than if you died and she was biologically his child.

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