Writing your own vows: together or separately?

posted 3 months ago in Ceremony
Post # 2
5409 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I think it is important to write them together, at least in the sense of figuring out what tone you’re going for, how long etc. 

We decided to write a shared first and last point, then we each went our own way for the middle.  I liked it because it meant they matched up as we already had discussions about what was appropriate for the shared bit plus there was something nice and symbolic of having some of our vows be the same.  

Our celebrant offered to read ours and give feedback to each of us individually too ensure they matched in length and tone if we wanted it to be 100% a secret from each other.  Is this something you could ask yours to do? 

Post # 3
7851 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I had the same concern. We still wrote ours separately, but then after much back & forth decided to read them to each other in private the day before our wedding. Fortunately they were similar in length and format…though there was one line in dh’s that I didnt like lol..it was a bad joke, so I made him remove that. Anyway I am happy we read them to each other privately before the big day…it was a special moment and it allowed me to feel more relaxed during our ceremony.

Post # 4
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

We worked on our vows together and ultimately decided to read the same vows to each other as our styles were very different. The official read the vows we wrote and we repeated them after her. (We didn’t want to have photos of us reading off of paper.) So they were traditional in a sense, but completely our words and feelings as a couple. It took a few edits to get it the way we both liked it but ultimately I’m glad we did it that way.

Post # 5
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: City, State

we wrote ours separately but, discussed tone briefly and had many discussions on what exactly we were vowing to each other as we began a life together. 

Post # 6
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

I understand your concern about the vows being “uneven.” I remember a wedding where the bride’s vows were somewhat traditional and based on actual vows for the marriage, and then the groom’s focused more on stories from the past and saying how much he loved her and how he always knew she was the one for him and on and on. People were oohing and awwing over the groom’s, but I personally felt uncomfortable for the bride because her vows seemed less emotional compared to his, but they were actually better vows. While I don’t doubt that the groom’s were heartfelt, they had a humblebraggy quality to them that I did not like.

I don’t think I will insist that my SO and I write our vows together if he wants to write his own, but I will have to have a talk with him about expectations. I want our vows to focus on the future i.e. actual vows for the marriage. For a number of reasons I do not want his vows to focus on the past, how long we’ve been together, how much he loves me, or any of that. 

Post # 7
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

We actually wrote vows seperately but didn’t read them outloud during the ceremony. We read them privately right before our first look. It was one of my favorite things about our wedding day! My husband was too nervous to read them in front of 100+ people so it was at his request haha 


Post # 8
1452 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

We wrote ours separately and heard them for the first time at the wedding. It was really a special moment ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 9
8266 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think this sounds a great idea. Public reading of highly personalised ‘vows’ full of details of the couples feelings and history and stories is a trend l really dislike. Marriage vows , l think , should be short and traditional and well, marriage vows.

Keep the intimate stuff intimate, ie between yourselves. I think more guests are embarrassed by this oversharing trend than actually admit it. 

  beevincent18 :  

Post # 12
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I know you already figured it out (yay!) But I just got married Saturday and wanted to share my vow story, because I had a similar worry and everything ended up PERFECT!

My fiancé and I are really silly and geeky. We don’t take many things seriously. So when it was time to write my vows, I put some serious things at the beginning and the end, but the middle was silly and full of nerdy pop culture references. I loved them, and felt like my fiancé would find them funny, but was terrified that his would not be similar and either him or me would end up looking awkward at the ceremony.

My fiancé, meanwhile, had also written his, and expressed a similar worry that they weren’t gonna go together. But we also didn’t want to ruin the surprise before the ceremony… so we had a friend read both of them. She told us they went “pretty well” together and we both shouldn’t change them. And we didn’t.

Fast forward to the wedding… she had (intentionally, so we would be surprised!) majorly downplayed just how similar our vows were! We both were laughing so much because we both made almost identical pop culture references and had a light-hearted, silly tone (mixed with some heartfelt love too!) — which is exactly our style. 

They were so perfect that people were asking us afterward if we’d planned our vows to compliment each other, but we hadn’t! And I just thought it was one of the coolest things about our wedding, and maybe a sign that we are really meant to be! ๐Ÿ˜€ 

Have faith that it’ll turn out well! I’m sure both your vows will be great <3

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