- 5 years ago
- Wedding: July 2012
I’m truly terrified that I married the wrong person. Please allow me to set the scene. I want to paint an accurate picture so that you can provide your feedback on as much information as possible. I truly believe the situation I am in is 100% my fault, so please don’t mistake this for a pity party. I am just hoping to get some advice on next steps. I don’t really feel comfortable talking to anyone we know until I have a bit more clarity of my own.
We are both 26 years young. My Husband and I both come from rural backgrounds. We have a lot in common in terms of the way that we were raised but post-college, took completely different career paths. I didn’t meet him until after college. At the time, I had just broke up with a guy that my parents weren’t fond of and I really wanted to make them proud and “do the right thing”. Don’t get me wrong, I liked him and I dated him because I liked him – not just to make my parents happy. My parents didn’t push me at all but I always strive to make my parents proud (And I think they are, this isn’t their fault). I met him and he was everything I had ever wanted.. on paper. Nice guy, good work ethic, parents liked him, would be a good dad, friendly. I never really felt sparks for him but after dating a major loser with a rollercoaster relationship, I just wanted something boring. Calm.
I continued to progress in my professional career while he works on his family farm and for a major agriculture company. We are both doing well in our career and make a good amount of money. I get frustrated because he doesn’t understand anything about my career. I travel and close big deals, he doesn’t know basic grammar. We both graduated from major universities, so he’s not dumb, but he’s very close minded and often lacks common sense. He was raised under a rock. Growing up rural, I was still much more socialized as a kid. His friends are all very nice but they are.. and I don’t mean this as an insult.. ignorant. They are so close minded and are not interested in expanding their horizons. His family is the same way. We live near his friends and family because he farms. I don’t feel like I fit in at all. There is so much bigotry and gossip. What’s more, I’ve been recruited by Fortune 50 companies but they require moving, which is not possible in our situation because of the farm.
So there’s the back story. My husband proposed about two and a half years ago. We were engaged for a year. The few months leading up to the wedding I had serious anxiety about getting married. I was sick to my stomach and I confronted him about it but he didn’t want to talk about it. He kept saying that when we were married, I wouldn’t be as stressed and that everything would be fine. He had spent around $10,000 on my ring and my parents spent more than twice that on our wedding. I felt awful. I didn’t want to let all of them down. I tried to bring it up to my mom but, similarly, she seemed to brush it off. I now think that I wasn’t forward enough with her. Almost immediately after our wedding, I realized that I had made a terrible mistake.
We don’t have any kids and in fact don’t have any itimacy. My friends have observed us as “content cohabitation”. There’s virtually no romance. I think he is a great guy but I don’t think I’m in love with him and I’m not sure if I really know what love is. I don’t want to waste his time and I don’t want to break his heart. I’m scared that I will never really be happy. Sometimes we get into stupid fights and are pretty shitty to each other. We get over it fast but this is the easy time. I can’t imagine how it would be if we had kids.
Both of our families and the two of us are quite religious. Marriage is not something I take lightly.. and I feel dizzy even thinking about the mistake I believe I’ve made. I feel hopeless. On top of that, we both come from rural areas so everyone knows everyone’s business. In all of our extended families, we’d be the first to be divorced and 100% of both communities would know it.
I grew up in a very conservative home and still consider myself quite conservative but my education and experiences over the past year or two have really opened my eyes. I have become more liberal and I really believe people should do what they need to do to be happy. I don’t think people should settle with just being content.
Over the year and a half that we have been married we have really continued to have separate lives. Most of our finances are still separate. We have acquired a lot of assets, the biggest being a house. Since we live near his family, I’m fine with letting him keep the house. I want him to be happy and I don’t want to screw him over… I just want another chance at happiness.
I’m sorry this is so long and I’m sorry I have rambled so much. I just want to know… what are your thoughts? What should I do? I have always taken marriage so seriously, I can’t believe this has happened to me and especially as a result of my own choices.