Post # 1
Member
7 posts
Newbee
So, I found out a few months ago that I am pregnant. My SO and I had been on and off and well, were on and next thing you know……..
I am thrilled about baby and he is on board- more so as time passes by. We are very amicable and get along well and are working to figure out how this will work for us. He lives about 30 min away from me.
A few weeks ago, I had a serious health issue pop up. Baby was fine, but it was a very stressful night and I needed him. It was around 9pm and he didn’t answer his phone. We talked the next day and he had fallen asleep with his phone off. (This isn’t a trust thing- he often goes to bed early.) I explained to him that it worries me when I have something going on and I can’t get in touch with him. He promised to be diligent about keeping his phone on.
Flash to last night. I had a work event and called him on my way home. We speak every night- this is not unusual. He didn’t answer- it was about 9:15. I tried again at 9:30 and then realized that his phone was off. This morning I again explained that there could be any number of emergencies and I need to be able to reach him. Also, what about when I am close to going into labor???
He got mad and said he doesn’t think he needs to be available to me 24/7. I explained that babies are 24/7 and as the dad this is part of the responsibility- being able to be reached at all times- especially reasonable times! He said he prefers to turn his phone off at night because emails and messages go off and wake him. (Hi, get an iPhone and this isn’t a problem!!)
Am I totally wrong here? Please tell me. He calls me about 3 times a day- I very rarely call him because he has a more demanding job- so it’s not like we are not in frequent contact.
Post # 3
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
Hm… this is a really tough one…
On one hand, I do believe that if he really wants to take on the roll of father, he should be available for baby-related emergency communications 24/7.
On the other, if you’re not in a relationship with him, it’s difficult to police him on his own time. I’m not sure you have the right to get mad at him, because he is not your SO and he doesn’t need to make himself available to you all the time, especially if it’s just for “check-in” type calls.
In the end, I think he will make himself as available as he wants to be. You can’t force him to keep his phone on. If he wants to risk missing the birth of his child, there’s not a ton you can do about it.
I still think it’s shitty, but I’m not sure what the resolution is….
Post # 4
Member
2623 posts
Sugar bee
Are you guys currently in a retlationship or in the “off again” stage?
Post # 5
Member
3760 posts
Honey bee
Well I would hope that when you are closer to going into labor he’ll be more receptive to leaving his phone on. I just think that right now since the baby isn’t even close to being here, he’s more concerned with unplugging and getting sleep.
Post # 6
Member
7 posts
Newbee
@ThreeMeers: We are in a very ambiguous place right now. Neither of us is dating other people, we still spend the night together (tho my pregnant lady lack of libido has us mostly just snuggling) and say I love you. I call him my boyfriend because it’s simple. But we don’t have an explicit relationship commitment at this time.
Post # 7
Member
4416 posts
Honey bee
This is a tough one, since you guys aren’t really in a relationship with each other (at least, that’s the impression that I got … ?). I would absolutely 100000% expect my DH to answer his phone no matter what time I call, not just as the baby’s father but more so as my husband — in other words, he is obligated to the baby, sure, but he’s also really obligated to ME.
I’m not sure what I would think the “rules” are for a man who is the baby’s father, but doesn’t necessarily have any particular obligation to YOU. Given your situation, it might be smart to try and branch out your options a little bit in terms of who you can call if you’re in trouble. Parents, siblings, etc. But most important is to really get on the same page with your Baby Daddy about what the expectations are. If he doesn’t plan on being available 24/7, then there isn’t really anything you can do to force him to be. Which really sucks 
But if that’s the case, it’s better to know about it and prepare for it now rather than be surprised and let down later.
Post # 8
Member
3584 posts
Sugar bee
I would think it’s reasonable to keep your phone on until 10pm
Post # 9
Member
7 posts
Newbee
@iarebridezilla: I agree. The thing is- he is all in for everything. All the baby classes, touring daycare, trying out strollers. I said I can easily find a friend nearby who can be my emergency person and he gave me a hard time saying I wasn’t being flexible. This is just a really weird and tough situation. I’m thinking we would do best to sit with a counselor to help us figure out what works best for both of us.
Post # 10
Member
11760 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I think you guys need to define some clear boundaries of what you are and are not, for everyone’s sake, but especially for your sake. My friend was in a similar situation when pregnant and it was terribly stressful for her and ultimately ended absolutely horribly for her and baby.
Post # 11
Member
7 posts
Newbee
@MrsTVLover: so if i wake up bleeding at 2am??? i’m not trying to argue- I’m really wondering. clearly, he isn’t going to be the one rushing me to the hospital, but i guess maybe i’m mostly just hurt that he doesn’t seem concerned about that sort of thing
Post # 12
Member
1391 posts
Bumble bee
You may call him your boyfriend but he definately isn’t thinking about you as his girlfriend. IMO he does not need to be available 24/7 until the baby is born. And even then, it is a gray area.
Post # 13
Member
3699 posts
Sugar bee
I think there’s a compromise in there somewhere. There are phones that can go on vibrate unless a certain number calls, can not alert you to email (who does that anyway?), etc. Or maybe even and old-school pager can just alert him when YOU need him and no one else can bother him so he can turn his phone off.
I do think it’s a weird grey area where he doesn’t really have an obligation to take your calls, but still seems to want to be in the know. It’s obviously part of a larger issue that you’ll have to continue to work out as your pregnancy progresses. Best of luck to all of you!
Post # 14
Member
787 posts
Busy bee
This might be a dumb suggestion, but what if he got another phone that he keeps on and charged all the time just for you. Around here you can get a $12 trac fone and put an hour of talk time on it for $20. Then he e wouldn’t get e-mails/texts/calls late at night unless it’s you with an emergency.
Post # 15
Member
11760 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
@needyourthoughts: if you wake up bleeding at 2 am, it will your responsibility to get yourself medical help. Sure, you can call him to let him know. But, I don’t think you can expect him to be available. At that point, there is nothing he can do for the BABY. Sure, he can be there for you if he chooses, but isn’t obligated to be since you aren’;t together.
Now, if you call him at 2 am because seomthing terrible has happened to your child, I think you can more reasonably expect in that situation that he make himself available. But, even then honestly it’s a gray area.
Unfortunately, these are the things you have to learn to deal with and compromise on when you have a child outside of a stable relationship.I do suggest working out how all of this will work with him before baby comes though so you can provide a stable situation to baby from the beginning.
Post # 16
Member
7 posts
Newbee
@Sunflower–girl: We call each other boyfriend and girlfriend to other people. it’s just easier to say “my girlfriend and i would like to test drive the car”. I am under no illusion that we are in a stable relationship and neither is he.
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