(Closed) WTF bridesmaids?!?!

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Hi,

New to the Bee.  I went through a couple of your posts and man, how stressful!  I’m actually having the opposite issue.  I am a Bridesmaid or Best Man and I’m trying so hard to get the bride pumped enough to actually start planning.  It’s not her thing, I totally understand, but this sort of thing is stressful on all parties.

My thoughts are sort of conflicted.  On one hand, it sounds like your ladies are feeling a little overwhelmed supporting this event.  On the other hand, they sound like they don’t understand how important their role is.  If it were me, I would say, screw the measurements for the time being.  It sounds like you need to spend some quality time building your team back up.  This may be the most important thing you do.  And it’s really easy…invite them one on one (!!!) to lunch and do nothing but talk about them. THEM.  We need to make them feel important or they’re going to forget that this friendship is a two way street.  I know it sounds counter productive for women that are acting like spoiled brats and too ‘busy’, but it will likely be the best investment you make toward your wedding.

Someone in a previous post had said ‘they can be replaced’.  Can they?  Getting pulled into the game this late is not a compliment.  It will be very clear that you’re pulling in someone who was not your first pick.  Do whatever you can to work with what you have got.  However, if lunch with Bridesmaid or Best Man #2 isn’t going well, straight up ask (without attitude!) if she would rather bow out of the event, with no hard feelings.  It may be the best thing…or maybe she’s just bummed she’s not number 1.  Who knows…

Build a bridge with your girls, invest your time and energy into them, and they will return the favor big time at the wedding.  πŸ™‚

Post # 7
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Ms Rocky Point:  Why dont you call each one, ask them why they are being so flakey and make it clear that if they continue to be this flakey that you will have to downsize your wedding party to RELIABLE people.

Post # 9
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@MsNarwhal:  Ouch, don’t you think that’s a little harsh?  If a bride asked me like that, I would end our friendship.  That’s incredibly rude. I sincerely hope you’re joking.

Ms Rocky Point, If you’re not getting what you need then you need to do whatever it takes to get to a common ground with them first or you’re never going to get what you need for the big day.  I would start with your problem child and work your way down.  You don’t necessarily need to meet with the girls that are ‘on track’.

I am a bride myself and specifically chose no brides maids (I have a Maid/Matron of Honor that I am not really ‘utilizing’ because I didn’t want the BS.  If all else fails, you can always go down this path.

Post # 10
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@WillyNilly:  I totally agree. Have a one-on-one heart-to-heart talk with each of these ladies.

Are they super busy they can’t make it? How high are you on their priority list? They don’t have to attend everything but at least make an effort to get back to you. I think that’s the main issue.

In my opinion bridesmaids aren’t just pretty decorations at a wedding. They’re friends that are supposed be involved with the wedding by physically helping and acting as confidants during this stressful time. If they seriously cannot help with the wedding then they shouldn’t have accepted being a bridesmaid. If they want to back out or take on a smaller part in the wedding then that’s fine, they just need to communicate.

Post # 11
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m sad for you that your friends are not excited to be with you and do girls night. I can imagine how it must feel to not be able to rely on your BM’s. Sure, they probably have stuff going on in their lives, but if they can’t handle the responsibility to be there to support you during wedding planning and the big day, then they should have been honest about their situation up front.

That being said, if I were you I would ask them each to hang out as a PP said, and just have a girls day. I would invite them to wedding stuff after that, and if they still flake, then I’d approach the Bridesmaid or Best Man issue. If they just have too much going on, maybe you can relieve them of some of their “duties” and know they will be there for the big stuff closer to the wedding.

Good luck, I hope things get better for you.

Post # 12
Member
8432 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

In my opinion being a bridesmaid is an honour not a job. Sure you can ask these people for help but the only person required to help the bride out is the groom. I wouldn’t get upset if they choose not to help you. I understand that it is frustrating that no one else is excited as you about your wedding planning. Personally if I was you I would be thankful that your Maid/Matron of Honor is offering to help and leave it at that.

Should a bridesmaid support the bride sure but support isn’t and shouldn’t be solely about doing projects etc. To me support/friendship is talking the phone call at 3 am when the bride is freaking out with doubts over getting married or plans for the future and not being expected to drop everything in my life because the bride is freaking out because the shade of the napkins doesn’t exactly match the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses or helping make invites.

I personally would work on the relationships with these girls since they are your friends/relatives. I wouldn’t be confrontational and have a heart to heart asking why they are not doing what you want. I wouldn’t talk about the wedding at all and if they can’t catch up I would be an understanding friend and know that they have busy lives and that my wedding isn’t and shouldn’t be their top priority.

Is it nice when friends go the extra mile and offer assistance- sure but it shouldn’t be expected. The best words of advice I received from past brides was that no one will every be as interested/excited about your wedding as you and that the only person required to help you with your wedding is your fiance and/or a paid wedding planner.

As for the dress measurements- I think this is another issue. I would give that Bridesmaid or Best Man a deadline and if she does not meet it then she is taking herself out of the wedding. There is still time for the dress to be made.

Good luck

Post # 14
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I have had the same problem and in the end I had to send a message to them all saying i NEED you all here on this day and made it obvious that the stuation was stressing me out!I did it in a jokey ‘dont call me bridezilla’ way!i was afraid of upsetting them but tried to be nice but firm. In my case, im the first of my friends to get married so I think to them it is a long way off and they didnt realise how much I had to do. Also I tried not to be bitchy but to speak to people who I worried would let me down and said ‘i can tell you this as we are so close but im seriously stressed and if anyone doesnt come im worried I will have to make arrangments without them as they dont seem interested’ it seems sneaky but it works because then they dont want to be ‘that person’ xx

 

Post # 16
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

There will be a time you just have to say ‘no i cant re arrange i need this to happen’ i had the same thing people would let me plan and then say they cant when i was trying to organise 6people!i know youre worried about coming across nasty but the problem may be, as in my case that youve been too nice by re arranging every time they have a problem. These girls need to know how important this is for you and that its difficult!i really hope they step up, i know some people think otherwise but as ive sad to my Fiance i dont think i was asking a lot for them to be in the same room once for 3hours so i could fill them all in. On a lighter note, when it DID happen it was brilliant i did food and made it fun but still got everything organised….they have been much better since (i think they needed a bit of direction and to be made aware of timescales etc) and i now feel a million times better and more relaxed xxx πŸ™‚

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