Post # 1
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
A few weeks ago during a drunken talk, SO yes DEFINETELY when I asked him a proposal would happen within the year. For the past few weeks Ive been feeling insecure about it and havent brought it up. He keeps talking about how he has no money, and its making me feel like we will never move on with our future if he doesnt make it a priorit to save.
Last night, I asked him why we dont talk about it…EVER!! He gets snary and says “what, do you want me to give you a date?'( looking back, I should have said HELL YES!!).
Then tells me that he doesnt even know where he will be next year with his job and might want to move to a new place (he is an excessed teacher who has been in a sub pool for two years. I get that he wants somthing perm, but his income is not effected by this–gets paid whether working or not). Heres the kicker….Ive YET to see him check job openings or schedule an interview?? What is he waiting for??? Also, shouldnt we be making a decision to leave current city together (original plan was we are moving in together in oct when his lease is up)
Then he goes on to tell me that he’s never had this convo before until the 2 year mark (we are 1 year and 8 months) but that Im the one he wants to spend his life with….SO WHY CANT WE TALK ABOUT IT NOW????? Do I need to add this talk to my calender for Feb 2013???
So yeah, Im hurt. Im confused. Is it too much to have a productive conversation? If Im really “it” why the hold up??
Post # 3
Member
10355 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
It sounds like you guys aren’t very good at communicating, frankly. You’re not being open with each other about the job hunt (how do you actually know he hasn’t searched for anything? Are you over his shoulder 24/7?). Have you discussed how his current job is effecting his outlook on life and the future? How it’s effecting his happiness? I bet he’s feeling very insecure, very unhappy, and very much like he has no say in anything in his life at the moment, and now he has you yelling at him about a marriage that he can’t committ to, likely because he feels like his job isn’t stable enough/he can’t afford a ring. If you really said “Why don’t we talk about this, EVER” to him, I think you know that’s an aggressive and leading question that has a whole boatload of blame and negativity with it. There are a million better ways to bring that up in a loving and supportive way. Why would he be positive about spending his life with you if you are so aggressive in the way you talk about it? Is this a pattern with other problems? That may be why he only talked candidly when drunk.
I think you both need to take a deep breath and figure out a more productive way to talk about this. This is a minor bump in the road along the path of life – if you’re imploding at this, it’s not a great sign for your communication skills through a marriage.
Post # 4
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
Sorry but this sounds like a bunch of excuses. HE might want to move to a new place? Where do you fit into this?
You guys need to have a serious sit down conversation where you both lay ALL your cards out on the table.
I find it worrying that he is going on about him moving somewhere and not including you in the discussion. Lots of “me”, not enough “we”
Post # 5
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
@crayfish: I know, I know, I know….I totally get about the job and money, etc. I get it that he wants to be a providor, and is insecure now. But I see money going towards fantasy football, and no interviews (a few were presented to him that he didnt even prepare for). Its frustrating, knowing WHY its not happening, but seeing nothing change. Makes me feel like less and less of a priority.
Post # 6
Member
509 posts
Busy bee
@mrssoontobeh: Just a quick question… is your job flexible enough to move with him or might that be the problem?
Post # 7
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
@anothersmith: Not SUPER flexible. Im in an industry that doesnt have alot of jobs outside of certain cities. But, he knows I would go with him and make it work
@deucesarewild1: I agree, hence the total confusion today. The more I think about it I honestly really dont think he would move anywhere. You need money to move, which he just doesnt have. I totally understand where you are coming from though…this convo does sound like a ME convo and not a WE. But, we have had many WE convos as well (but I tend to post only the bad ones, not the good!!) such as having a family, moving in together next year, and getting married someday….now someday just sounds farther away than what I originallt thought
Post # 8
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
Sorry to bump my own post, but just had an update I wanted to add
Just got off the phone with SO. Had a mini convo about how we both want to spend forever together. Told him I just want to make sure we are on the same page with things, and he said we are. So really, all I can do I guess is continue to wait. And be SUPPORTIVE. And show what a wonderful wifey I will be….someday.
Post # 9
Member
1404 posts
Bumble bee
@mrssoontobeh: Unfortunately that really is all you can do… well, short of proposing to him. If you’re on the same page in terms of a future together and you’re happy to wait til he’s ready, then that’s a good thing.