- 7 months ago
Regular Bee going anon tonight. I know, I know, it looks fake. I promise it’s not.
Tonight my FH asked me if I want to see his “work crush.” He has access to photos of all employees in the database, because it’s part of his job. He sometimes works from home, and has access to all of this on his work laptop, which he has at home right now. This is someone he doesn’t actually interact with in person, but does over email and messenger regularly. He played it off like he was joking, but I’m not amused.
Out of pure curiosity, I said sure. He showed me the pic of this woman who is basically the polar opposite of me. Tiny, “pixie girl” type. “She looks like an adorable little elf and I like it” was what he said when I saw the pic and said “hm, interesting…” When I didn’t look amused, he said he was just joking. Yeah. Okay.
First of all, why? Why would anyone think this is an appropriate thing to say to their soon-to-be wife? Joke or not (and I don’t believe it was, because he knew her name well enough to type it directly into the search immediately)? And second of all, how the hell am I supposed to even feel about that? Like…what?
I don’t know, bees. I feel weird about it right now. Maybe it’s not that big a deal, but my ex used to always seem interested in small, pixie type girls (think Tinkerbelle) and eventually cheated on me with someone that fit that type, and this just feels like the same thing all over again. Maybe it’s my trauma talking, but this just has me so upset right now.
I am not tiny or even small. I am not pixie-ish. I have curves (a lot of them) and I have presence. I am not the cute little lady in the corner you want to put in your pocket. I am the vavavoom with curves for days and a personality to match. Most days, I’m happy with myself. I am proud of my body and personality and I feel confident and proud to be who I am.
But tonight, I just feel…deflated. I feel like no matter what I bring to the table, anyone I’m with is going to have eyes for this little pixie-type girl, which is something I have never been and will never be.
Maybe it’s just the fantasy of being with someone different. Maybe it’s acting out right before the wedding becaue of the anxiety of settling down. Maybe it’s just pure stupidity and cluelessness on his part. But, I can’t help thinking that maybe this is what he really wants and he’s just settling for what he has with me. And that is a horrible feeling, especially considering we’re getting married in a month.
To top it off, he’s been working later the past few days and spending a lot more time at work with coworkers before coming home, going out for happy hour, etc.. It’s a massive company. It’s totally believable that he’s only interacted with this woman through email and messaging without ever actually meeting her in person. But at the same time, how would I know? He’s never stayed late, and he’s never talked about (or asked if I wanted to see) a “work crush” before. He’s never so much as admitted to finding another person attractive, aside from celebrities, until tonight.
I don’t like any of this. What do I do? Is this just jealousy and past bullshit popping up in my head and clouding my judgement? Or do I have reason to be concerned and upset? What would you do if your FH or Darling Husband said something like this to you?