WTF of the Night: "Do You Want to See My Work Crush?"

posted 7 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee

I was going to advise that you let this “joke” slide (although jokes like that aren’t funny to me…sometimes people say stupid shit) but then when you mentioned he already cheated on you? I wouldn’t marry this guy. He’s showing he’s not to be trusted AND he’s an insensitive jerk by “joking” about having a crush on someone else.

Please think VERY LONG and HARD about staying with someone who has cheated on you in the past. I did, and married that person and am now divorced. I never ever got over it, just became numb to it. 

Post # 3
Member
9731 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

You read it wrong her ex cheated on her, not her fiancé. LadyLuna711 :  

Post # 4
Member
9731 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

If my husband did something this dumb/insensitive I would be very upfront that it was hurtful, not funny at all, and bringing up insecurities. There’s a million ways that conversation could go so I can’t really say what I would do after being honest that I was mad and hurt but I certainly wouldn’t brush this aside.

Post # 5
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

I wouldn’t be happy either Bee, and I think it’s fair to share this with you FH.

But I also want to say that while it was a shitty joke, I think you’re letting this girl’s ‘type’ play into your insecurities too much. Don’t let go of your confidence in this and don’t let what’s happened in the past haunt you forever. You’re allowed to be pissed about an insensitive comment, but don’t let it get bigger than it is. I think it’s more likely than not that your FH just didn’t put any thought into this at all and I doubt he’s comparing you or feeling that he’s settling. 

At the same time, if you need it, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking FH to help boost you up by reminding you why he loves you. I think that would be a very appropriate penance, actually. 

Post # 6
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee

hikingbride :  Whoops! That’s what I get for crusing this board so late at night!

Post # 7
Member
659 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

If your Fiance knows you’ve been cheated on in the past by an ex who was also into “cute, pixie girl”, then he’s being extremely insensitive. Does he normally make weird jokes? I hope you told your Fiance that you were hurt by all this. You don’t have to or need to play the cool girlfriend/wife.

I find it odd for him to suddenly show you his work crush. I could be wrong but I feel like he’s testing the waters…

Post # 8
Member
473 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall

I would NOT be impressed. What the hell was he thinking? 

How would he feel if you paraded a “crush” of yours in front of him? Someone that he knows you actually have interactions with. 

I can’t even get my husband to admit he finds anyone else attractive.

Post # 9
Member
738 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2018 - UK

I have an ex who I worked with (and still do), and he was forever pointing out other women in the company and telling me how hot they were and how he had crushes on them. It was awful, and it affected my self esteem so much. I used to tell him this, but he didn’t really care.

Assuming your man is less of an ass than my ex, I would definitely bring this up with him. Tell him exactly how it made you feel and how much it upset you. Don’t let this kind of thing become regular, because I can tell you from bitter experience how badly it’ll end up grinding you down.

Post # 10
Member
9041 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Not only is he being an arse to you but he is also being an arse to this poor woman. It is such a violation to use your work security level in this way. His access to this information is for work purposes only and not to pull up her picture for his spank bank.

He is showing how much he disrespects women, believe his actions. 

Post # 11
Member
3063 posts
Sugar bee

anotheranonbeehere :  

“I am not tiny or even small. I am not pixie-ish. I have curves (a lot of them) and I have presence. I am not the cute little lady in the corner you want to put in your pocket.”

Just an observation: you seem to have pretty strong negative views about petite women : “tiny”, “cute”, “little”, and imply that such women have no presence. Lady Gaga, Frida Kahlo, and Ruth Bader Ginsburg – just a “tiny” example – would beg to differ…

Post # 12
Hostess
8723 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

Wowza – I would not be impressed either! I would be fuming!

 

It’s bad enough he has a work crush, but to show you and then the crush be totally different to you – WTF?

 

To me it feels like he is trying to get his ass dumped. 

Post # 13
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

Just tell him that after thinking about it, his comments were inappropriate and hurtful. That showing you his active crush on someone in his work environment isn’t funny or to be joked about. Then ask him why he felt like he wanted to share that with you? 

Just talk to him. Because marriage is a choice, choosing the other person every day. And to do that both of you will need boundaries. Because you will meet people you are attracted to, and it’s going to be necessary that when that happens you both react by acknowledging the attraction and then avoiding that person and that temptation. This might be a good opportunity to review with each other what your boundaries should be. One OP posted about that a while back and I remember googling married couple boundaries and quite a lot of good articles came up. Might be worth a look. 

Post # 14
Member
493 posts
Helper bee

anotheranonbeehere :  What an ass. I hope he feels awkward for putting his foot in his mouth.

TBH, this would be borderline deal-breaker behavior for me. I am very adamant that I am the only woman who takes space up in my FI’s head like that. Like most women, I have been cheated on, I have been the second choice, I have been not my partner’s usual type, I have felt like second best, and etc. Life is too short to be with a partner who entertains work crushes and isn’t respectful of how lucky he is to have a woman like you.

My FI and I have the same beliefs. Though, we do both point out attractive people when we are out people watching like, “Oh, she’s pretty! I like her outfit!” or “Oh, he’s handsome, he kinda looks like so-and-so.”. This is acceptable to both of us.

But to me, there is a world between, “She is pretty and I am observing this with you” and “I have a crush on this woman and interact with her regularly at work.” The latter is highly inappropriate to me.

Assuming your dude just made a brainless comment, I would approach him and have a conversation about how you feel. If he is genuinely sorry for hurting you, then let the mistake go. But, if he is indignant, and says it was just a joke and you need to get over it, I would “thank u, next” his ass into next Tuesday.

Post # 15
Member
300 posts
Helper bee

Yea, this is just weird. It’s almost like he’s testing your boundaries or the waters. I’d honestly be pissed and I have to applaud you on how you initially handled it because I’m a petty person and would’ve said something vitrolic. My advice would be to tell him how this makes you feel, how it’s insensitive of him knowing the past with your ex, and that you wish to have an exclusively monogamous relationship and now you’re having doubts about his intentions and whereabouts because of this. 

The bottom line is, yes we can be in relationships and find other people attractive and may have a little crush on them, but you need to have boundaries and respect for your partner and not cheat or play with fire.

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