WTF of the Night: "Do You Want to See My Work Crush?"

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
717 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I’d tell him how it made you feel. Maybe he was just being dense? I’d judge based on how he responds to that. Maybe it’s just a learning experience. Does he know about your past experience, specifically the type of woman? 

I think it’s just different for different couples and it’s up to you to draw clear lines and let him know what makes you comfortable. If my husband did that, he’d have a slightly sheepish look on his face and, yes, I’d be pleasantly curious. Having crushes is natural and being able to talk about them and acknowledge them helps keep things out in the open – at least that’s our view on it. 

Post # 17
Member
10185 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

anotheranonbeehere :  

Yeah, no.  Uh uh.  No.

What’s happening, Bee, is seepage.  He’s feeling more relaxed about you; he is your future husband. He has you captured. You will see more of his true nature seeping out.

The Bee who mentioned limit testing is spot in.

It’s not every day that I agree with j_jaye, but, this time, she nailed it.  Not only is your FH disrespecting you, he is objectifying the co worker and violating her boundaries.

I suspect that your snark toward the co worker is a reflection of your displaced anger.  She is not your problem, Bee.  Your FH is. It will be a lot healthier for you to direct your anger where it belongs.

How long have you been together? What is his relationship history?

Being hurt, angry, and upset are your feelings.  Feelings are never wrong.  All that matters is what you do with them. Be sure you’re not targeting yourself with this sudden loss of confidence.  Bee, you’re surrendering your power.  You have pegged your sense of self worth to your SO’s obnoxious behavior. How is that helpful?

Your ex is only relevant in relation to the status of your radar.  It sounds as if it’s still bent. Is it possible it was never put into proper working order after your past relationship?

It’s certainly sounding as if you are repeating the same cycle, albeit unconsciously. It’s what we do.  We repeat old patterns from our childhoods, hoping to put better endings on them.  We won’t stop until we bring the unconscious material forward into awareness.

I suggest finding some quiet time, in a quiet place.  Tune in to your solar plexus; the spot where we feel our tummy butterflies.  Breathe into it.  Ask yourself questions.  Your solar plexus will never lie to you.

I am sorry to say this, Bee, but, I would be very surprised if this turns out to be a one off event. A big apology or explanation, no matter how Oscar worthy, would not move me.  My guess is, he’s had practice.

 

Post # 18
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

What he said was wildly inappropriate and weird.  Why does he even have a crush while he’s engaged to be married?  He should be so excited to marry you that other women should not be entering his mind.  I would be incredibly sad if I were you and it might even be a dealbreaker because I can’t imagine marrying someone who would say that to me.

Post # 19
Member
10185 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

I would like to write this off as obtuse, insensitive, or just plain stupid; but, I can’t.

—In a bolt from the blue:  Hey, wanna see my work crush?

—He has no direct interaction with this woman, yet knows enough identifying information (first and last name) to quickly pull up her photo out of the company’s database.

—The woman he claims to be crushing on is, per OP, the ‘polar opposite’ of the woman he supposedly loves and is soon to marry.

 

Taking all of these facts together, I can’t help but note that this behavior is the kind that would knock any woman way off balance. It would certainly cause her to question and doubt herself and her attractiveness.

Note, I’m giving him a pass on the ex thing, although I would bet the farm that he knows about it.

I will concede that this is just one piece of behavior. It’s one I think should be examined closely.

Post # 20
Member
7764 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

So weird. It’s one thing to privately have those thoughts – of course no one likes to think of their partner being attracted to someone else, but realistically it does happen – but to voice them to YOU, a month before your wedding? It’s even worse given your history of being cheated on, which I assume he knows about. Just why would he do this? I would not know how to make sense of this but I’d definitely be reeling from it. No one wants to go into a marriage feeling insecure and questioning their partner’s faithfulness….so yeah, I’d be having a come to jesus talk asap.

Post # 21
Member
11450 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I would tell him here and now that you don’t do or believe in work crushes, and that you don’t think he was joking. It’s obvious he wasn’t or he would have told you so up front. Instead, he made you sit there while be pulled up this woman’s photo, then waited for your reaction. Gross. 

I’d tell him that you have as good a sense of humor as anyone, but that this was not even a little bit funny and that he crossed a line with you. All the recent last minute late nights hanging out after work would be another issue.

I suppose you know him best, but I’d be upset and concerned because I don’t see myself marrying the kind of person who would say or do something like that a month away from a wedding or at all. Whether I took it farther than a CTJ talk would be a function of everything else you know about him.  Can he be insensitive, crude, and selfish in general? Is he having last minute doubts or cold feet of his own? If so, I’d have some thinking to do. 

Post # 22
Member
5744 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’m going to disagree with what many others have told you and say that this sounds like it relates to your history of being cheated on and your own past wounds and yes, your guy should be more sensitive to that but him telling you he has a crush is not that big a deal (if you are confident in the security of your relationship).

My husband is my lover but he’s also my best friend. He tells me about crushes and I tell him the same. It’s a non-issue because we are secure and confident in our relationship. So if my husband had said “you want to see my work crush?” I’d say “sure” and maybe ask a couple questions and then move on with the day. Other men didn’t stop being handsome or appealing because I chose to be with this one. The same is true of other women being attractive just because he is with me.

The main thing is how secure you feel in your relationship and it sounds like yours could use some bolstering here.

Post # 23
Member
3090 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I feel like the likelihood that he would bring her to your attention intentionally if he was cheating or wanted to pretty slim. That would be pretty stupid. 

If this was done out of ant kind of meanness it would be him trying to make you feel bad about yourself. Has he ever been intentionally hurtful before? Does he often say or do little things that make you feel shitty and then act like you’re the problem when you tell him you’re hurt? 

If not I’d probably let this go. It seems he was joking around and it just didn’t land well. 

But if this is part of a pattern of behaviour that makes you feel bad, you need to start questioning who he is and why you’re with him. 

Post # 24
Member
10185 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

sboom :  

Nope.  Classic dick move.  It’s in the cheaters handbook.  Throw some sunshine on your partner in crime and your SO will never suspect a thing.

Post # 25
Member
1114 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

I’d want to know just what reaction he was expecting out of you? What is the normal reaction, were you supposed to agree with him? Were you supposed to encourage him to ask her out?? What is the point of bringing something like that up. I’d ask him exactly that. WEIRD. It would plant the seed of distrust in me for sure. 

Post # 26
Member
9554 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

He should be made to pay.

Post # 27
Member
823 posts
Busy bee

If the words “work crush” ever came out of my SO’s mouth, I would be incredibly hurt. He knows better than to joke like that, especially considering that I’ve been cheated on before via workplace romance. So yeah. This would be a huge no.

Unless he was referring to a male coworker’s car as his work crush. That’s happened. 

Post # 28
Member
2800 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

anotheranonbeehere :  I have no problem with my husband saying a woman is attractive, like when we talk about girls my Brother-In-Law is dating he might say “she’s out of his league, she’s really attractive” or something along those lines which doesn’t bother me. I know he thinks women are attractive. But going out of his way to talk to me about a woman he finds attractive and refers to as “work crush” would piss me off. It just seems totally unnecessary, he should have kept it to himself.

That being said, I think some of the bees are jumping to conclusions by saying he’s cheating or planning to cheat on you because of this. If this was a one off event, and he’s normally respectful and never given you a reason to not trust him, I’d write it off as him being an idiot in the moment. 

If I were you, I’d be very honest about my feelings and tell him what you’ve told us here, then try to forget about it. 

Post # 29
Member
1182 posts
Bumble bee

Pretty disrespectful of him. Like, cool story bro. 

I think you need to set some boundaries!

xo

Post # 30
Member
498 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

Ohhhhh ugh. They can say the *lamest* shit sometimes!!

early on, my FH said some horrible things that took us basically 3 years to even begin healing. His explanation is that he loved me, thought I was completely secure in that love, and knew this stuff meant nothing. 

But… news flash, gents – “this stuff” will never mean nothing. 

It sounds to me like he’s comfortable in the love you share, and is just expanding and saying stupid shit. It sounded like a little-boy moment of playfulness, nothing more. 

He probably feels like you’re secure in your beauty and KNOW that you have his loyalty. The thing is, they just do not understand that no matter how beautiful we are or our man thinks we are, this kind of shit can still really mess us up. 

So tell him it hurt you. Don’t pull any punches. He needs to know. 

I’m so sorry, bee. I don’t get any red flags from this, tbh, at ALL – and I hope you can do some healing of your past wounds with your FH, and maybe it’s a good thing this came up, so you can! 

 

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