- 7 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
As a bride, I 100% said NO destination.
As a Bridesmaid or Best Man, I would respectfully decline.
I would hope that DH does the same.
To me, a party of ANY type is measured in hours, not days. But Im also the girl that went to a BSB concert on a Tuesday night for her Bach so maybe Im a bit out of the loop LOL!
I don’t know, I had a *mini* destination bachelorette at my parents condo in Mexico. Only a few girls could come and I chose that only because my BM’s had requested it. Our wedding is a drive (45 mins) from our hometown so the wedding isn’t a HUGE issue, but some people will get hotels.
BUT I totally agree that lots of people are getting carried away. I have been invited to several very expensive desintation bachelorettes when I was having to fly/ get accomodations for the wedding and it was EXPENSIVE. FI’s brother is having a desintation wedding and told my Fiance that he would like a bachelor party in Vegas, ARE YOU INSANE?
Hi @EncoreBridetoBe: As an Encore Bride of a certain age (over 50), I have to say it boggles my mind too…
Weddings have certainly changed in the last 30+ years since my first one.
My First Wedding was nice enough as a Traditional BIG White Pouffy Family event… just over 100 Guests. BUT it was far from over the top. It was just a standard 1980s Wedding.
I had 2 Maids & a Maid/Matron of Honor… My Ex had 2 Ushers & a Best Man. They were our “Nearest & Dearest” and we took care of them for honouring us by standing up for us
This seems to be where some of the biggest changes in Weddings have taken place. Where Traditional Etiquette would dictate that a B&G take care of the needs for their Bridal Party (my Girls ONLY bought their own dress… and got to the Wedding Location… EVERYTHING else was paid for)
I as the Bride carried the load… it was expected… it was the RIGHT THING TO DO. My Girls paid out in total maybe $ 250 to $ 300 each (a lot of money 30+ years ago)… but by comparisson I probably paid out 3x that amount ($ 600) for each of them when you add up their Transportation, Hotel Accommodations (2 Nights), Meals (Rehearsal Dinner & Wedding), Bridal Luncheon, and their Thank You Gifts.
In turn… we had a great relationship the whole way thru the experience. And they were happy to do nice things for me that I truly never expected… like a Shower, and they each bought my Hubby & I a nice Wedding Present.
I think what made it work more than anything was expectations… I never expected anything from them other than to as the saying goes “show up day of and look pretty & celebrate with me”. My Shower was a total surprise… literally and I was extremely gracious to think they’d done this for me. (There was no Bachelorette)
Today, Brides seem to expect their Bridal Parties to pay out tons of money… Dress, Shoes, Accessories, Hair & Make Up… Accommodations, Transporation… Shower Gift & Party, Bachelorette Party (and the Bride’s share)… PLUS a Wedding Present.
There have been posts on WBee by Bridesmaids who have said they’ve spent $ 1000, $ 2000, $ 3000 or more… and still there is an “expectation” of more (“We still haven’t gotten to the Shower / Bachelorette / Wedding”)
It has most certainly turned into a grab fest for the Bride !! And the amount of posts on WBee where someone (Bride or Maid) is posting about hard feelings reflects the lack of communication & fairness. Long time Friendships are often on the rocks or lost entirely.
And don’t even get me started on the ones where the “needy” Princessesque Bride is complaining that there is NO Shower, Bachelorette, or a Wedding Present given to her… Gift Grabby beyond words !!
Now to be fair…
I know that some gals have time & money to spare… and I have heard of many a Bachelorette that was a night out on the town… or a sleepover… or a night / weekend away close by (often hotel in the same city).
But ya, these Destination Bachelorettes really blow my mind… when I read about Brides2B that are “fretting the details” (when they aren’t the one’s doing the planning) and it is a plane ride away, plush hotel, fancy Destination, etc. Does seem over the top to me.
I cannot even IMAGINE what that must cost each Maid. I get wanting to get together with the other Maids, but really… to the tune of 100s if not 1000s of dollars is beyond my comprehension (Air Miles or not… that is a lot to give up of one’s time & money, real or virtual)
As for Pre-Wedding Trips…
These on the Bee seem to fall into 4 categories…
1- Identical to a Destination Bachelorette (see above)
2- An event that precedes a Destination Wedding, where the Bridal Party arrives early, and hangs out with the Bride in the days before the Wedding… and can also serve as the Bachelorette
3- A Bride & Groom escape just prior to the Wedding (less than a month to go) … either as a case to get away and “just breathe” / relax in the midst of the worst of the Wedding Planning.
4- A Bride & Groom getaway that happens just prior to the Wedding… but is part of the whole Wedding timeline. Such as a couple making their way to the spot where they’ll hold their Destination Wedding, or Elopement etc.
Mr TTR & I did # 4. We had plans to Elope to a Destination Wedding over Christmas. And fortunately we were able to organize our affairs so as to maximize our time off… combining everything into one large block of time. Christmas –PreWedding RoadTrip – Wedding – and Honeymoon. It was fabulous to have so much time off just to concentrate on the 2 of us (much in the same way that a B&G might find some respite in Wedding Planning by doing a Getaway such as # 3 above).
In our case we were off for 5 consecutive weeks. And it was FABULOUS. We spent 2 Weeks Touring theDeep Southand taking in the rich music & culture (we are both music fans)… Country – Rockabilly – Memphis Soul – Delta Blues – New Orleans Jazz – and Zydeco… then a week in theFloridaSunshine… including our Wedding in theFlorida Keys… and then 2 Weeks on our Caribbean Honeymoon Cruise. It was truly AWESOME
BUT, as I said we were Encores… and it was ALL ABOUT US. No one else had to pony up any cash. This was a trip of a lifetime for us that tied into OUR Wedding / Honeymoon.
And therein lies the difference… I don’t see anything wrong with a B&G ever spending money on themselves or their Loved Ones (Family & Friends) to be wrong. I do see things a bit crazy when Family & Friends are expected to fund a “Wedding Dream” (in any sort of manner / way) that isn’t theirs to begin with !!
And that is the major change that has happened in the last 30+ years.
As an “Etiquette Snob… lol”, I am all in favour of a return to the traditional elments of organizing a Bridal Party… far more fair for all involved… and truly the right thing to do when it comes to less DRAMA & TRAUMA in the long run.
I think that if Brides had to actually pay for their Bridal Parties, they wouldn’t be so quick to want 5, 6, 8, 10 Maids and all these unnecessary extras
Man, there is a lot of rage and judgement in this thread that I don’t understand. I’m going to Vegas for my bachelorette and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. It’s not some wild and unusual thing to go away for a weekend for the bachelorette, I mean the last time I was in Vegas it was FULL of bachelorette parties who were definitely not local. Me and a couple girl friends have always talked about how that’s what we wanted to do when one of us got engaged. What’s so ridiculous about wanting to have a blow out party weekend? No one else is obligated to come if they don’t want to spend the money, although of course I will invite them in case they do. But it’s an invitation, not a subpoena! If I can afford it and the people who want to come can afford it I don’t see whose business it is but ours.
Besides, there isn’t a male strip club in my home town 😛
I also want to point out that this is not just a bride thing. Since we have been together, my Fiance has gone to Montreal, Vegas, New Orleans, Atlantic City, and Miami for bachelor parties. Men like having destination parties just as much as women.
Yes, we all know an invitation is not a summons but really, no one wants to be the one who says no. I am sure you’ve also, as this time round pointed out, seen the threads where as a result of not doing enough or not going on one of these trips, has resulted in hurt feelings, strained relationships or friendship dissolved.
That said, here’s my story: I thought about doing Vegas (I live in NJ) Most of my Bridesmaid or Best Man and friends are on the East Coast. But then I was like, man I don’t want to ask all my East Coast friends to buy a plane ticket in addition to hotel rooms, dinners out, alcohol, etc. I don’t want to ask ME to do that! ha ha It would have been convenient for one person only: a lone Bridesmaid or Best Man who lives in San Fran. So we’re doing it in Atlantic City instead, which is closer to lots of us – but we still have to pay for hotel rooms for the night. (btw: My Bridesmaid or Best Man who has a 2yo is thrilled: She’s like HELL YEAH I Get to be out for a girls night away from the screaming kid! LOL)
So maybe some will complain that I’m still doing it too extravagantly. But others, like my friend with the kid, seem to be happy. My amazing sis, my Maid/Matron of Honor, is planning the whole thing but she did ask me: Where do you want to go?
So — because I reconsidered Vegas due to the expense — in that sense I get what the OP is saying: sometimes we DO get out of hand these weddings. I, as a wedding-crazed bride, have to admit that. I was literally all ready to ask all my girls to buy plane tickets to Vegas. And for some of them — can’t find a job, have kids — that just would not be possible. And I want them ALL there so I scaled back.
And also to add — when I was still thinking I’d do it in Vegas, one of my very best friends said she probably couldn’t come. It was NOT money interestingly enough: She would be 8 months pregnant at the time, and could not fly. Was I sad? Yes. But I knew we’d have so much fun regardless. that said, her inability to do a destination DID make me reconsider and choose somewhere closer to home.
It’s all on a case by case basis with this crap ……
I’m going to Vegas with a few friends a couple of weeks before my wedding. It also lands on my 25th birthday, and I’m not forcing or expecting anyone to attend. Those that wanted to go are going and those that don’t wait to/can’t afford it aren’t and that’s okay by me!
If a destination bachelorette works for your crowd of girls – go for it and be understanding if some can’t make it. If a destination bachelorette will put undue strain on your girls, you probably shouldn’t suggest it. If you’re a bridesmaid invited to a destination bachelorette, don’t feel compelled to accept, if it isn’t in your money/time budget.
I think the reason you’re getting heated posts is that your original post was quite acusatory and seemed to be saying that all destination bachelorette’s are a bad idea, which is a gross generalization and not what you actually meant, judging by future posts. But after reading through everything, we all seem to be on the same page.
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