Post # 61
If one of my friends told me this, i wouldn’t necessary end the friendship. But i would be very very vocal on how much i disapprove.
There are no words to describe someone who knowingly has an affair with a married man who is still living with his wife and children. Oh wait, two words….absolutely disgusting.
Post # 61
I hope you aren’t really considering cyber stalking this guy to figure out who his is. That’s asking for trouble IMO.
If you don’t want to get involved in her situation then just tell her you aren’t comfortable with being involved in it and don’t want to discuss it. If she wants to cut you off because of it, then it’s her choice. Ultimately, I think her choice to date this man is her stuff not your stuff. It’s her choice and you can’t stop her. I actually hope you do stay friends in one way or another. Since I imagine this relationship is not going to end well and she’s going to need a friend sooner or later. This will probably just end with a hard lesson learned.
Post # 62
jellybellynelly : I would never do this. Come on. Its their marriage and they can work it out for themselves.
Post # 63
All you can really do is express your feelings that what she is doing is wrong in being a homewrecker. The rest is up to her. She will have to deal with her own conscience and feeling used by this married man because that’s really what he is doing – using her. Who cares what his excuses are for cheating on his wife. Your friend is playing with fire but it’s her choice. I personally would think less of someone if I knew they were with a married man. You don’t have to stop being her friend, but you don’t have to agree with or support what she is doing. I’m sure she will learn a life lesson from this.
Post # 64
Thank you to everyone who has posted! The different opinions and perspectives have been really helpful in figuring out what I want to do.
A bit of an update: My friend and I were texting back and forth last night and she started talking about her boyfriend. I stopped returning her texts, because I didn’t really want to have the conversation via text, but I didn’t want to really engage. I did ask what the real status with his wife was, why he hadn’t moved out, why she started it in the first place knowing he was married. She said he does still live with his wife, but has told her that he thinks their marriage probably wont work out anymore. He has not contacted an attorney, moved out, etc. The wife doesnt know about her, and is still wishing things could work out with her husband.
She said they knew eachother as friends, fell in love, couldnt hold back anymore, hooked up, and are now dating. I asked what that even means, how do they go on dates? She said restaurants out of our area of town, hotels, etc. (ick). They think they will get married some day. He just needs to be sure he wants to leave his wife first. I don’t even understand how you have that conversation, but that’s where they are. She also talked trash about the wife, indicating it’s the wife’s fault he cheated. She doesn’t show him affection, she doesnt pay him attention, she’s trashy. Nothing like she’s abusive or an alcoholic…or anything that would somewaht justify why he is stepping out on his marriage. My friend can’t wait until the boyfriend moves out so she can start bringing him around our friend group and they dont have to hide anymore. she feels that if people don’t understand their relationship, she doesnt want them as friends anymore. Because they’re ‘soulmates’.
I asked these questions of her because (as some pp’s pointed out) maybe there was more going on than I knew about. Or maybe it wasn’t as bad as I was thinking.
At this point I am thinking of asking her out to lunch/coffee and just explaining how uncomfortable this makes me, how horrible of an idea I think it is, how horrible it is to sleep with someone’s husband and that while I still love her, I don’t want to know anything about this or be involved anymore. I’m assuming that will pretty much end our friendship, and that’s okay with me. I would be willing to try to keep the friendship going, but it sounds like if people don’t agree with her choices, she doesnt want them in her life. I don’t want to compromise on my morals and do something I am uncomfortable with just to stay her friend.
Post # 66
I haven’t read all the comments, but I’d let her know I don’t approve, and that I don’t want to hear about it because of that.
Post # 67
Imo it’s none of your business. If you take a big enough issue with it then end the friendship but otherwise it’s her life & shes the one responsible for her action & the consequences of her actions.
Post # 68
If you still want her as a friend but don’t approve/want to talk about it, I would say, “Listen, I know you said you don’t want to be friends with anyone who doesn’t support your relationship but I’m going to be honest. I don’t approve. I don’t think this is a good decision on your part and I think you are going about it really shady. So from now on, I don’t really want to hear any details of your relationship until you are the only woman in his life, period. That being said, I still care about you and want to be your friend. This can be the last time we bring it up.”
That way, the ball is kind of in her court. You said your piece, you got what you wanted off your chest.
Post # 69
italianbride0508 : A friend of mine had an affair with a married man (two kids with one on the way). When she told me about it, I told her that I found behavior like that repugnant and nothing she said to me would justify it. We didn’t speak for six months because I just couldn’t interact with her. Cheating is a big no-no with me. She was free to live her life as she saw fit, but I couldn’t stop her. I expressed my disappointment and then kind of stopped responding to her calls/texts/e-mails. She got the message pretty quick and six months later, three months after the affair ended, she reached out to me to repair our relationship. It’s been four years, but I’m still not 100% with her anymore. It may be extreme, but in my opinion, she and I have a *very* different moral compass in that regards.
In terms of this friend, I’d wait for the subject to come up again. When it does, just shut it down and say that you disapprove and find her behavior to be shitty AF and that you don’t want to engage in the conversation. You can be blunt and honest and express your opinions and during that time. She is free to live the life she wants and you telling her what a fucked up thing she’s doing is not going to prohibit her from one thing or another. At the very least, girls like this need at least one stern talking to, someone to kid of scuff that shiny lens they are staring at their relationship with. An affair is an affair regardless of if you’re “in love” or not. If they really loved one another, they’d take the time to ensure that the wife was not going to get screwed in all of this and they’d wait for him to be legally seperated.
Post # 70
italianbride0508 : “He just needs to be sure he wants to leave his wife first.”
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………………..doesn’t this statement negate your friend’s whole argument that their marriage is over?! What did you say to her when she said this?!
Post # 71
Does this girl not hear her own words? Dude is NOT committed to her. He’s told her what he needs to in order to keep her on the side and waiting for him patiently, while he lives the good husband/daddy facade at home, and supposedly contemplates whether he really wants to actually truly for reals eventually leave his wife. He’s a jerk and NOT a catch.
A relationship started on lies and sneaking around is not a solid one, but this is so much less than she has convinced herself that it is. She’s the dirty secret that he’s not sure about. He’s basically said that. Soulmates… barf.
Girl needs to be reminded that there are real men out there who don’t cheat and lie, and will be faithful in all things, so she needs to get out of this and someday find someone she can actually trust. She should value herself more than this scummy affair.
Post # 72
Just say the update “He just needs to be sure he wants to leave his wife first.” He’s told her he’s not sure if he wants to leave and she still thinks he’s going to? She really has no idea how many women there are who waited for a man to leave his wife, then went on to wait for years? I never say this, but I think this girl needs some therapy and quick. Wonder if she really thinks they have a future together or if she’s just reationalizing that she slept with a married man. She made a mistake, move on. Good grief.
Post # 73
I was in a similar situation once. The girl was actually my so-called BFF at the time. She was having an affair with her SIL’s fiance (husband’s sister’s fiance). They all lived under the same roof (gross). I was also friends with the SIL since I was well-acquainted with their family through our friendship. Needless to say, I couldn’t stand by and support her affair and ended our friendship. I felt so bad for the husband and the sister-in-law. I was just so turned off by her choices. If I were you, I’d have a talk with her and tell her that you don’t support her affair. If she continues then it’s up to you if you want to continue being friends.