Post # 1
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
A friend and former work colleague of mine is getting married. I am so happy for him but I’m in a bit of a pickle. My husband thinks we shouldn’t send a gift. (We can’t go to the wedding since we’ll be on vacation that week.) Reason being is that he didn’t gift us a gift 6 years ago when we got married. He couldn’t attend our wedding as well.
I would like to keep him as a friend. I’m not much of a tit-for-tat sort of person and I normally like to send a gift if I can’t attend a wedding. So my husband’s stance feels wrong to me. But the weird part to all of this is I received an invitation to her bridal shower too. I have never met this girl and I literally haven’t seen my friend for 6 years! Doesn’t this seem odd to you?
I don’t know what to do. What would you do? If you vote “yes”, would you get something small, or something off their registry, or cash?
Post # 2
Member
13998 posts
Honey Beekeeper
I would give them a gift. A gift is given in support of a friend or family member that you are trying to help out and support their marriage. Gifts are not tit-for-tat. Gifts are not only given to reciprocate. Gifts are given from the heart, not by comparison for what they gave you.
I would gift the same as if I were attending the wedding.
Post # 3
Member
4434 posts
Honey bee
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
HelpfulMarriedGirl: If you got an invite to the wedding you should get a gift, don’t repeat their etiquette mistake. Seeing as you can’t attend I would send a card with (probably less than you normally would) cash or a gift that you can mail with a gift note directly from the place where they are registered.
Post # 4
Member
9575 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
i defiantely wouldn’t send a shower gift if you are not attending.
since you are not attending the wedding, you can either send no gift, just a card, or a card with a small gift, or a card with a large gift. it is entirely up to you.
i am more of tit for tat so if it were me, since he didn’t send me a gift, i wouldn’t send him a gift but i would send a nice card wishing congrats.
Post # 5
Member
2185 posts
Buzzing bee
I would not send a shower or wedding gift. I am a tit for tat person and I would just follow his lead and not attend nor send a gift. I would send a nice card though.
Post # 6
Member
47412 posts
Honey Beekeeper
I would probably decline the shower invitation, but I would send a wedding gift.
If you are ever planning on having children, I hope your husband gets over his “tit for tat” mentality. It will not be a good role model for children.
Post # 7
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee
- Wedding: October 2014 - Church
HelpfulMarriedGirl: I would personally send at least a wedding gift and a card for both the shower and wedding itself. It is up to you – the appropriate thing is to at least send a card for the wedding to share your congratulations and well wishes.
Post # 8
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
HelpfulMarriedGirl: Definitely no reason to send a shower gift. I’m not sure how old you all are, but I know that at 27, 6 years ago I was in a much different financial situation than I am in now. If a friend got married 6 years ago, their gift from me was much more modest than what I would give now. I would hate for a friend to remember that 6 years ago I gave a substandard gift and have them think, ‘I’ll show her…’ and give me a lesser gift. Maybe if you put it to your husband that way, he might understand.
I think you should just send a card with cash, or a small registry gift. No need for something extravagant since you said you haven’t seen him in 6 years.
Post # 9
Member
787 posts
Busy bee
You want to keep him as a friend? How good are you of friends now? Like in regular touch slash a close friend or just friendly acquaintances? If a close friend, I would probably send/give just the wedding gift. If a friendly acquaintance, a card will do.
Post # 10
Member
1667 posts
Bumble bee
Send the wedding gift. I have NEVER heard of people sending shower gifts to a shower they could not attend. If you can’t attend the shower, no gift. That’s fine!
Post # 11
Member
498 posts
Helper bee
HelpfulMarriedGirl: I would give a gift. I wouldnt’ go to the bridal shower not because of the gift issue but because I wouldnt know the girl. A gift is not tit for tat. Maybe he couldn;t afford a gift at the time? I give gifts because I feel like it and don;t worry about how many times they gave me a gift vs when I did (plus I would probably end up behind on that tally because my friends have been generous with me).
Post # 12
Member
2864 posts
Sugar bee
HelpfulMarriedGirl: I don’t think it’s weird that you got invited to the shower — I find it more off putting when I’m excluded to prewedding events of that nature.
I’d send either a small gift or a card with a gift card.
Post # 13
Member
1464 posts
Bumble bee
HelpfulMarriedGirl: I think you should “be the bigger person”- or that’s what I would do in your shoes.
Although I also agree it’s wierd you’re invited to her shower. Maybe it’s a huge shower where all the women invited to the wedding are invited to the shower I have heard of that before.
SOOO I voted get them a wedding gift. Does not need to be expensive or amazing, although it can be. It’s however you want to support your friend.
Post # 14
Member
1087 posts
Bumble bee
No gifts, I’ve never given a gift to anyone’s wedding who I could not make, and I would be surprised to get a gift from some not attending my wedding, seems strange.
Post # 15
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
Thanks for all of your helpful suggestions! You helped me immensely.
I decided to send them a small gift for the wedding, but nothing for the shower. He’s very much into good wine and food, and I’m certain she is as well since he’s always posting their food/drink adventures on FB. So I bought them a great food/wine book, and will also buy a cheese board and cheese knives from their registry as well.
To answer some of the questions: He is older (42) and earns a good living so his ability/inability to afford a gift wasn’t an issue when my husband and I got married 6 years ago. Knowing my friend, he’s the typical guy who knows nothing about etiquette. We were closer friends when we both worked in very stressful jobs in the same department for 10 years and watched eachother’s backs. Now we touch base once a year but I haven’t seen him since I got married.
To the poster who commented about my husband: Yes we are parents to 2 kids now and he is a wonderful role model. Quite frankly I understand his sentiment because it gets tiring when you feel like you’re always giving gifts but not everyone feels the same sort of obligation toward you. We’ve been invited to a crazy number of wedding, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. and have always given gifts so there’s been a pattern developing over the years. After a while, you feel like folks are taking advantage of you because you are guaranteed to give a gift! I’m not saying my friend is trying to take advantage of us, but my husband doesn’t know him as well as I do.