Post # 1
I’m at a loss and holding back tears here, tell me what you would do!
back story: DH and I have been together for 10 years and for about 7 of those years he would tell me about how Mother-In-Law was a bad mom, she never took interest him, called him stupid, never knew where he was etc. FYI, DH’s dad died 28 years ago, mil never remarried.
DH would always say that he went where he wanted and when he wanted for as long as he can remember and Mother-In-Law never knew where he was. He said his friends’ parents basically raised him. So he has engrained in my mind that Mother-In-Law cannot be trusted with kids and she’s very irresponsible.
Our dd is 2 1/2 and when she was born DH changed his tune and now Mother-In-Law is very responsible and was a great mom. In my mind she is still irresponsible and I don’t trust her to care for my kids.
DH and I are very close with my parents and we both feel very comfortable with them watching our kids (DS is 6 months) and DH has never said he felt uncomfortable with them babysitting or anything. If he was uncomfortable, I would not let them babysit because both of us should have 100% faith in whoever has our kids.
Now, Mother-In-Law came over today for a short visit and she said she wants to pick up dd later this month and takd her to her house to play. She said she will pick her up at noon and bring her back by 7:30 (didn’t ask….told) I said no, plus dd takes her nap at 12:30 anyway. So she looks to DH and says she’ll pick up dd after her nap, and he nodded. She said she wants to play with dd and take her to the park. Later I went to the kitchen to make DD’s lunch and DH came and asked if I was ok with it and I said no. He never said anything to his mom.
I’m so uncomfortable with this I’m holding back tears. I don’t trust this woman to be alone with my dd! And she took it upon herself to get her own car seat assuming she would be taking dd with her all the time. I have no idea what kind of car seat or where it’s from or if it’s even installed correctly, she always buys used things and I wouldn’t put it past her to buy a used car seat.
What would you do? If/when I talk to DH about this he’s going to be mad because as I said, all of a sudden his mom is wonderful and should be trusted.
Post # 2
Ok cool it a little op! Your DH survived right? A used car seat, is not a big deal. At least she took the time to get a car seat! It means she is taking this seriously. My mom takes me nieces around in a used car seat and it’s fine. She grew up before car seats even existed! It’s not like she’s taking a road trip with them.
Look as teenagers my mom or dad never knew where I was or what I was doing, but she watches my nieces like a hawk. I don’t necessarily think she was a great “mom” but she is killing it as a grandma. And I would have no issue leaving my kids with her or FMIL/FFIL. I also think she had a lot more crazy life stuff going on when she was raising me, that she doesn’t have going on now. So I think you are panicking for no reason unless when you are with her and Dear Daughter you actually think she is being negligent or harmful.
Post # 3
It’s just a few hours. She isn’t trying to adopt and raise her. She’ll be just fine. Relax.
Post # 4
it doesn’t matter if your Mother-In-Law won “mother of the year” or has a nobel peace prize. If you’re not comfortable, then say no and stick to your guns.
Your Mother-In-Law is manipulative at best, the whole you said no and so she looked to your DH and he nodded…the two of them just walked right over you, like a doormat.
Your kid=your rules. You need to get your DH on the same page as you and present a united front to Mother-In-Law. No more different answers from different parents.
Grandmothers don’t need alone time with grandkids.
Post # 5
Can you meet in the middle until you are more comfortable? Go to the park with them? Sometimes parents realize their mistakes with their kids and are amazing grandparents. It doesn’t sound like she was abusive, just inattentive either becausE she was a busy working mom (like many) or simply thought her kids were safe without a lot of guidance
Post # 6
As far as I’ve read, there’s not much here that shows she’ll treat your daughter the same way she treated your husband. My grandparents bought my mom thrift store clothes that she hated, but they always bought us around five expensive Christmas presents each every year. It’s very possible that she’ll be fine with your daughter– it sounds like she really dotes on her, and that she’s never said or done anything awful to her.
The car seat situation can easily be fixed. If I were you, I would check the car seat myself to make sure it holds up to my standards, and if it doesn’t, offer to help her pick out a new one. See if you’d feel comfortable leaving your daughter with your mother in law for short amounts of time– 15 minutes while you run to the store, or if that’s too much, then let them go play in another room without you while you’re in the house and can still keep an ear out. That might make you more confident in her abilities to care for your daughter.
Post # 7
I think that as a mother you need to be comfortable. I don’t know exactly how to advise you do this, but perhaps spending time with just Mother-In-Law and Dear Daughter would help you decide.YOU need to be comfortable with this or it will be very stressful.
It was difficult for me to have my Mother-In-Law watch our kids… And I didn’t have DH saying bad things. I will say that people do change.
My grandfather was the best. He was always there for us growing up, babysat, drove us everywhere, and was such a huge and positive part of our lives. He died when I was 28. It was then that I found out that he had been a terrible father and husband. I even recently found out,a disturbing fact about him from before I was born. The thing is, he regretted the father he was, and swore to be a better grandfather…. And he was. Just something to think about and hope for with her.
Post # 8
Mother-In-Law was dealing with being a single mom (and widow) while raising your DH, so she may have been under a lot of stress or emotions, which won’t come into play with your Dear Daughter. Also – I seriously doubt he was allowed to wander around town at 2 1/2 – she’s not going to let your Dear Daughter go unsupervised.
That said – you shouldn’t be steamrolled by your DH if you’re uncomfortable with it.
Post # 9
As a mom, maybe a bit over protective mom. No one. I repeat NO ONE watches my babygirl without me being comfortable with it. It only takes one bad decision……solution instead of just saying no. Give a smaller window of time, and asked to join them on a day out and get comfortable with her interacting with your daughter. I would say for the escuse of going is you would like to get to know her as well.
Post # 10
You need to talk to your husband and explain to him exactly WHY you feel the way you do– because HE told you she was a bad mom. This falls on him. Was she a bad mom? I dont know. But if he put that in your head its no wonder you feel uncomfortable. He’s obviously changed his tune though, so I think he needs to come clean on whether or not she was a bad and irresponsible mother or he exaggerated and she actually wasn’t. Either way, I place this on him that you dont trust her.
Post # 11
You also have to consider when she was raising your DH, times were a lot different. Depending on his age it may have been perfectly acceptable to many parents at the time to let their kid out in the morning and not see them again until the sun went down. Nothing you’ve said really indicates to me that she’s unfit to care for a child for a few hours. She wants to be in your kids life, would you rather she just didn’t give a damn about them?
Post # 12
Have you actually witnessed anything that makes you think she’ll mistreat your daughter? Or are you basing this entirely on secondhand info from 20 years ago?
Post # 13
I think you need to talk to your DH and figure out what the deal is with his mom. Why did he paint this picture of her as a horrible mother and himself as a victim, and then do a total 180 when your daughter was born? The past is the past, so it’s not like she has changed over time to become a better mom and his perception of her has shifted — he’s painting two completely different versions of what happened years ago.
Until you get to the bottom of this, I don’t blame you for not being comfortable with this lady watching your daughter. I would put my foot down and say you’re not sending your daughter to your FMIL’s house until you get the real story about her parenting skills. I would also want to know what my DH’s deal was if I were you…is he a compulsive liar or something? What a strange and mean thing to do to throw your mom under the bus if his stories about her being a bad mom weren’t true.
Post # 14
See, I don’t get this “unless you have proof otherwise you should trust” attitude.
Msybe I’m super harsh but nope. It works the other way around for me. Show me you are trustworthy FIRST.
So two things: talk to DH and figure out why he suddenly has a unicorn for his mom as a care giver and two, accompany his mother and your child on an outing. See how she handles things. If she respects YOUR rules, you are the mom not her, and you see her paying attention, then consider giving more leeway next visit.
Caveat: the way she went around you doesn’t bode well for her respecting your rules. But maybe it was a one-off. verify and then trust.
Post # 15
I would not let my child go with someone I didn’t trust, to be cared for, alone, for seven hours. Never never never. This is a hill I would die on.
I also find it concerning that you’re being treated as if you have no say in this, and that your Mother-In-Law is not respecting your boundaries (looking to your husband for a different answer after you said no, assuming she will take your daughter places all the time). Worse than that, why is your HUSBAND not respecting your boundaries?