(Closed) WWYD? MIL wants to take DD

posted 4 years ago in Parenting
Post # 2
2397 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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Fall_In_Love22:  Ok cool it a little op! Your DH survived right? A used car seat, is not a big deal. At least she took the time to get a car seat! It means she is taking this seriously. My mom takes me nieces around in a used car seat and it’s fine. She grew up before car seats even existed! It’s not like she’s taking a road trip with them.

 Look as teenagers my mom or dad never knew where I was or what I was doing, but she watches my nieces like a hawk. I don’t necessarily think she was a great “mom” but she is killing it as a grandma. And I would have no issue leaving my kids with her or FMIL/FFIL. I also think she had a lot more crazy life stuff going on when she was raising me, that she doesn’t have going on now. So I think  you are panicking for no reason unless when you are with her and Dear Daughter you actually think she is being negligent or harmful. 

Post # 3
2699 posts
Sugar bee

It’s just a few hours. She isn’t trying to adopt and raise her. She’ll be just fine. Relax. 

Post # 4
1304 posts
Bumble bee


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Fall_In_Love22:  it doesn’t matter if your Mother-In-Law won “mother of the year” or has a nobel peace prize. If you’re not comfortable, then say no and stick to your guns.

Your Mother-In-Law is manipulative at best, the whole you said no and so she looked to your DH and he nodded…the two of them just walked right over you, like a doormat.

Your kid=your rules. You need to get your DH on the same page as you and present a united front to Mother-In-Law. No more different answers from different parents.

Grandmothers don’t need alone time with grandkids.

Post # 5
9521 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Can you meet in the middle until you are more comfortable? Go to the park with them? Sometimes parents realize their mistakes with their kids and are amazing grandparents. It doesn’t sound like she was abusive, just inattentive either becausE she was a busy working mom (like many) or simply thought her kids were safe without a lot of guidance 

Post # 6
812 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

As far as I’ve read, there’s not much here that shows she’ll treat your daughter the same way she treated your husband. My grandparents bought my mom thrift store clothes that she hated, but they always bought us around five expensive Christmas presents each every year. It’s very possible that she’ll be fine with your daughter– it sounds like she really dotes on her, and that she’s never said or done anything awful to her.

The car seat situation can easily be fixed. If I were you, I would check the car seat myself to make sure it holds up to my standards, and if it doesn’t, offer to help her pick out a new one. See if you’d feel comfortable leaving your daughter with your mother in law for short amounts of time– 15 minutes while you run to the store, or if that’s too much, then let them go play in another room without you while you’re in the house and can still keep an ear out. That might make you more confident in her abilities to care for your daughter.

Post # 7
2803 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I think that as a mother you need to be comfortable. I don’t know exactly how to advise you do this, but perhaps spending time with just Mother-In-Law and Dear Daughter would help you decide.YOU need to be comfortable with this or it will be very stressful.

It was difficult for me to have my Mother-In-Law watch our kids… And I didn’t have DH saying bad things. I will say that people do change.

My grandfather was the best. He was always there for us growing up, babysat, drove us everywhere, and was such a huge and positive part of our lives. He died when I was 28. It was then that I found out that he had been a terrible father and husband. I even recently found out,a disturbing fact about him from before I was born. The thing is, he regretted the father he was, and swore to be a better grandfather…. And he was. Just something to think about and hope for with her.

Post # 8
4674 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Mother-In-Law was dealing with being a single mom (and widow) while raising your DH, so she may have been under a lot of stress or emotions, which won’t come into play with your Dear Daughter. Also – I seriously doubt he was allowed to wander around town at 2 1/2 – she’s not going to let your Dear Daughter go unsupervised. 

That said – you shouldn’t be steamrolled by your DH if you’re uncomfortable with it. 

Post # 9
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

As a mom, maybe a bit over protective mom. No one. I repeat NO ONE watches my babygirl without me being comfortable with it. It only takes one bad decision……solution instead of just saying no. Give a smaller window of time, and asked to join them on a day out and get comfortable with her interacting with your daughter. I would say for the escuse of going is you would like to get to know her as well.

Post # 10
1038 posts
Bumble bee

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Fall_In_Love22:  You need to talk to your husband and explain to him exactly WHY you feel the way you do– because HE told you she was a bad mom. This falls on him. Was she a bad mom? I dont know. But if he put that in your head its no wonder you feel uncomfortable. He’s obviously changed his tune though, so I think he needs to come clean on whether or not she was a bad and irresponsible mother or he exaggerated and she actually wasn’t. Either way, I place this on him that you dont trust her.

Post # 11
10374 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

You also have to consider when she was raising your DH, times were a lot different. Depending on his age it may have been perfectly acceptable to many parents at the time to let their kid out in the morning and not see them again until the sun went down. Nothing you’ve said really indicates to me that she’s unfit to care for a child for a few hours. She wants to be in your kids life, would you rather she just didn’t give a damn about them?

Post # 12
4207 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Have you actually witnessed anything that makes you think she’ll mistreat your daughter?  Or are you basing this entirely on secondhand info from 20 years ago?

Post # 13
3610 posts
Sugar bee

I think you need to talk to your DH and figure out what the deal is with his mom. Why did he paint this picture of her as a horrible mother and himself as a victim, and then do a total 180 when your daughter was born? The past is the past, so it’s not like she has changed over time to become a better mom and his perception of her has shifted — he’s painting two completely different versions of what happened years ago.

Until you get to the bottom of this, I don’t blame you for not being comfortable with this lady watching your daughter. I would put my foot down and say you’re not sending your daughter to your FMIL’s house until you get the real story about her parenting skills. I would also want to know what my DH’s deal was if I were you…is he a compulsive liar or something? What a strange and mean thing to do to throw your mom under the bus if his stories about her being a bad mom weren’t true.

Post # 14
11392 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

See, I don’t get this “unless you have proof otherwise you should trust” attitude. 

Msybe I’m super harsh but nope. It works the other way around for me. Show me you are trustworthy FIRST. 

So two things: talk to DH and figure out why he suddenly has a unicorn for his mom as a care giver and two, accompany his mother and your child on an outing. See how she handles things. If she respects YOUR rules, you are the mom not her, and you see her paying attention, then consider giving more leeway next visit. 

Caveat: the way she went around you doesn’t bode well for her respecting your rules. But maybe it was a one-off. verify and then trust. 

Post # 15
2882 posts
Sugar bee

I would not let my child go with someone I didn’t trust, to be cared for, alone, for seven hours. Never never never. This is a hill I would die on.

I also find it concerning that you’re being treated as if you have no say in this, and that your Mother-In-Law is not respecting your boundaries (looking to your husband for a different answer after you said no, assuming she will take your daughter places all the time). Worse than that, why is your HUSBAND not respecting your  boundaries?

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