(Closed) WWYD, the case of the missing bridesmaid

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I would ask her if she feels like she may have too much on her plate with the new job and the like, and if being a bridesmaid might not be something she has time for. Let her offer to step down if she feels its necessary, and only attend as a guest.

Post # 4
Member
593 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Sorry to say this, but it’s time to have a heart to heart with M.  This is your wedding day and you should not have to worry about absentee bridesmaids.  The bride has enough stress during this time and there is no need for extra drama.  If M is not willing to commit a certain level of availability to you, she should have declined the honor.  Good luck.

Post # 6
Member
739 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@atlbride2013:  Good for you! Although the news might be a little sad, (you asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man initially for a reason) I’m glad you addressed the situation!!! Good for you. I was initially having trouble with my Maid/Matron of Honor and eventually confronted her about it, and I’m so glad I did. 

Post # 7
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

It’s a rough situation. I work holidays and taking off my first year was difficult.

Post # 8
Member
7761 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@atlbride2013:  I’m of the opinion that you can’t expect BMs to travel except for the wedding itself. And if she’s a dear friend, you’ll be happy just to have her there. So, it’s great you had a talk. But if she decides she can be there for the wedding as a Bridesmaid or Best Man, but can’t make it for the bachelorette, then so be it.

Post # 11
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I know this situation got resolved (kudos to @atlbride2013 for having the tough conversation!)…but I wanted to offer up some general Bridesmaid or Best Man thoughts. 

After being a bridesmaid in a bunch of weddings within the same two years, I can sympathize with the Bridesmaid or Best Man who is not participating as much as the bride is hoping.  It it is very hard to say “no” to being a friend’s Bridesmaid or Best Man, because it is an honor and I think most people feel very flattered to be asked. However, the reality of being a bridesmaid is that you are most likely going to shell out a lot of time, money, and effort.  I’m not sure when in wedding history this happened, but I do think the expectations for bridesmaids have gotten really high.

I had said yes to being in a friend’s wedding party a few years ago. At the time, I hadn’t realized the expense (I was only partially employed at the time), and she didn’t tell me the date when she asked me (which ending up coinciding with another important event for me). We had also had personality conflicts over the years, and weren’t the best of friends. In retrospect, I blame myself for not getting more info…and then ultimately not doing the hard thing and saying “I’m very honored, but I can’t really be a great Bridesmaid or Best Man right now”. But I felt since I had said yes, I needed to stick with it…even though my heart wasn’t in it. I ended up creating a tense situation and damaging the relationship by not being the kind of Bridesmaid or Best Man she wanted, and I really wish I had handled things differently. It’s a big regret of mine.  

I wanted to share this because I hope it can maybe help other ladies avoid the same situation.  My advice to fellow brides is to really think about what you want/expect from your potential BMs, then be super clear on it you ask them: if you want them to be a part of the details and happy/able to travel for all of the different events, be upfront about it when you ask…and give them time to really think it over and offer them an easy out if needed.  And if they do say “no”….appreciate their honesty, because you’ve saved yourself stress in the long run! For those that say yes, keep in mind everything that they’re doing on behalf of your big day. In most cases, it IS a lot, and they’ll be all the happier and supportive for you if you show them some love and heartfelt thanks. I think most of the brides on here are keyed into that already, but wedding planning can be so all-consuming that it’s easy to have the blinders on.    

If you end up with a situation is like atlbride2013‘s, I think she set a good example: have the conversation, and if the Bridesmaid or Best Man doesn’t say “I’m really sorry, I didn’t realize I was being lame, I totally want to be in your wedding”…then I think what she’s really saying is “I don’t want to do this, but I don’t know how tell you that.” Make the executive decision yourself, and your (former) Bridesmaid or Best Man will probably be silently grateful. Props atlbride2013!

(For the record, my only Bridesmaid or Best Man is my sister…so glad to go this stress-free route!) 

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